First, another tribute to those who make us laugh. Panic Clown writes: “JOE! I liked this segment but it’s sort of like daydreaming about dating the hottest girl in school when you’re Ronald Miller without the $1500 bucks from mowing lawns all summer. We can’t buy love here.”

Fair enough. La Velle had the scoop Thursday that the Twins looked into re-acquiring Jacque Jones from the Cubs, who were reportedly willing to eat $6.6 million of the remaining $7.2 million he has on his contract, which runs through 2008. (*New photo, right.)

According to a club source, the Twins have no flexibility to take on payroll beyond this year because of the raises right fielder Michael Cuddyer and first baseman Justin Morneau will get through arbitration after the season. The club also could make another run at locking up lefthander Johan Santana beyond 2008 and possibly re-sign outfielder Torii Hunter.

That is revealing in one significant aspect: If the Twins add a hitter before the July 31 non-waiver trade deadline, it will likely be a player whose contract expires after this season.

Even if you brushed off the idea of a potential Jones re-acquisition, this gave you some valuable insight into the Twins’ thinking. It also explains why we, at Trade Target Central, have not wasted too much time here throwing out big-salary players under contract past ‘07, Dunnder Whifflin being the exception.

That, by the way, was our favorite nickname to date. You guys seemed to be reaching with ideas like Matt “I never take the” Stairs, and Matt “Elevator” Stairs. C’mon, imagine if he went deep one night to win a game for the Twins. You know Batgirl would drop a “Stairway to Heaven” on him. Picture him as part of her Sept. 25, 2006 post:

And magically, in those ill-fitting pieces, we found superstars—not just the Cy Young pitcher and President of the United States of Batgirl, but the sweet swinging hometown boy, the golden-locked Canadian with lumberjack arms and potential to hit the ball many many mooseantlers, the Automatic closer, the Nathanest of Joes, who lost not a game this season, and, yes, that clipped-winged center fielder who hit his 30th home run tonight. But it wasn’t just them, it was Punto, Bartlett, the resurgent Rondell, John Paul Bonser, Jason Renyt Tyner, Sideshow Pat and the Bullpen of Doom, Punxsutawney Phil, (Stairway to Heaven), Naked Batting Practice’s one man Pep Squad, and of course the One Armed Man who stared deep into the abyss and told it to go…

That is, you know, if she still ran the greatest blog ever. But, we digress. Time to re-introduce ourselves to Little Sweetcheeks:

Name: Jacque Jones, Cubs OF

Basics: He’s 32 (turns 33 on April 25). Bats L, Throws L (insert joke here). 5-10, 200 lbs. Born in San Diego. Drafted by the Twins out of USC as a second round pick in 1996.

Stats: Batting .233 with 2 homers and 20 RBI. A .294 on-base percentage and a .327 slugging percentage, which is why the Cubs are practically giving him away for free. He hit .285 with 27 homers and 81 RBI last year, his first in Chicago.

Salary: $4 million this year. His deal also pays him $5 million in 2008.

Good Twin because: He’d be coming home. He’d be away from the catcalls at Wrigley Field. He’d be back with Torii Hunter. Manager Ron Gardenhire still loves him. The guess here is he’d understand his role behind the more promising Jason Kubel and take whatever at-bats he could get, even as the DH. Most importantly to the Twins, he’d come cheap.

Available?: Oh, yes.

Probable cost: If the commissoner’s office lets the Cubs eat that much salary, and the mystery men making ownership-level decisions about the team’s finances agree to swallow much salary, the baseball people could demand a prospect in return.

Potential Batgirl nickname: Looking at her Nickname Guide, she called him Little Sweetcheeks. (Hunter, of course, being the original Sweetcheeks).

Odds this trade happens: 10-to-1. La Velle reported that the Cubs’ efforts to trade Jones have fallen apart because they decided they can’t eat that much salary. If Chicago changes its mind, the Twins should pounce. Hate on Jacque all you want, but this would be the baseball equivalent of shopping at Dollar Discount Store.

First, another tribute to those who make us laugh: Our last trade target was Adam Dunn, and cmathewson nailed the nickname for us, writing, “How about Dunnder Whifflin, an homage to ‘The Office.’ ”

Admittedly, it took me a while. When you spend most nights at the ballpark, you’re not exactly hip to TV lingo. But I have seen “The Office” and after a Google search, I realized Dunnder Mifflin is the name of the Scranton-based paper supply company where Steve Carell and his minions work their magic.

For our puproses Dunnder has now whiffed 97 times in 266 at-bats. Of course, he has a Morneau-esque 20 jacks now, too. … Sigh.

It’s been a slow morning. Todd Zolecki, a friend from our Minnesota Daily days, reports that The Real Deal will tote his 14.63 big league ERA to the mound in a spot start for the Phillies on Friday. Also, as a frequent flier, let’s just say I found this story … interesting.

After spending that last road trip with the Twins, I got a real sense that this trade talk is mostly futile. Many insiders feel the team won’t pull the trigger on a deal for a slugger. Other teams are asking a lot, Twins don’t want to part with prospects … blah, blah, blah.

Quite frankly, I’ve thought about ditching this trade target series. But since the Blue Jays are in town, here’s a name that was floating around on some of those insider’s wish lists not long ago: Matt Stairs. That was back when the Blue Jays looked buried and when Stairs was just starting his recent tear. So, for the sake of discussion, let’s take a closer look:

Name: Matt Stairs, Blue Jays OF/1B

Basics: He’s 39 (turns 40 on Feb. 27). Bats L, Throws R. 5-9, 215 lbs. Born in St. John, New Brunswick (Canada, eh). Originally drafted by the Montreal Expos, he played for the Chunichi Dragons in Japan before eventually becoming a regular for the Oakland A’s.

Stats: Batting .304 with 12 homers and 28 RBI. A .371 on-base percentage and a .582 slugging percentage, which is why the Blue Jays now have him batting third. All 12 of his home runs have come since May 13.

Salary: $850,000. The Blue Jays signed him to a minor-league deal, so Stairs has been a steal. He’ll be a free agent at season’s end.

Good Twin because: He’s red-hot at the plate right now, and with Jeff Cirillo’s knees barking, he’d give the Twins another first base option with Morneau out with a bruised lung. He plays left field and right field. The Blue Jays haven’t used him as a DH because they have Frank Thomas, but Stairs could also DH for the Twins. Minnesota’s preference would be to add another righthanded bat, and Stairs bats lefty, but the way he’s hitting, it shouldn’t matter which way he swings.

Available?: Maybe a month ago. But the Jays have now won 16 of 26. The Twins fancy themselves a wild-card contender, trailing Cleveland by 5 1/2 games, and Toronto is only a half-game behind Minnesota. But 1B Lyle Overbay and LF Reed Johnson are getting closer to returning from the disabled list, so there could be a Toronto surplus. There have been recent reports that the Jays are listening to offers for 3B Troy Glaus. A Southern California native with a no-trade clause, Glaus isn’t coming here anytime soon, but in Stairs’ case, Terry Ryan should keep Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi on his speed dial.

Probable cost: Toronto might be thrilled to turn a minor-league signee into a B-level prospect. If the Blue Jays cool off again, Stairs is definitely one to watch.

Potential Bat-Girl nickname (*You know, if she still ran the greatest blog ever): Stairway to Heaven. (That seemed too easy. Definitely open to your suggestions.)

Odds this trade happens: 16-to-1. Another reach, we know.

First, another tribute to those who make us laugh: An hour into Tuesday’s game, Jeff writes, “Santana should bat 7 in this lineup.”

Ah, shoot. The Twins look like a hitting machine — every other game. With three hits in back-to-back games, Jeff Cirillo looks like he could inject some life into the offense from third base. Meantime, I’m busy stirring up the masses about potential trades. In a text message Tuesday, La Velle said I’ve officially become a “rumor monger.” But for the first three installments of this trade series — Chief Wigginton, Cash Flowell and Lieutenant Kendrick — I made a concerted effort to only profile the players whose names we were hearing at the ballpark.

I’m going to deviate from that now because even if it appears unrealistic that the Twins will acquire Adam Dunn, I think he’s an important case study. And people, it’s time for you to step up in the nickname department. This is supposed to be fun.

Name: Adam Dunn, Reds OF

Basics: He’s 28 (turns 29 on Nov. 9). Bats L, Throws R. 6-6, 275 lbs (aka huge). Born in Houston. Drafted in the second round out of the University of Texas in 1998.

Stats: Batting .267 with 19 homers and 46 RBI. A .359 on-base percentage and a .560 slugging percentage (aka huge). He led the NL in strikeouts the past three years with 195, 168 and 194. And he leads the league again this year with 94.

Salary: $10.7 million. The Reds hold a $13 million option for next season, but that gets voided if he is traded. In other words, the team that trades for him would be getting a player three months from free agency. From what we’re hearing, the contract is the reason the Twins disinterested. Not just Dunn’s salary, but the players the Twins would have to give up for a pending free agent.

Good Twin because: With limited defensive skills, he’s probably best suited as a DH. Not many AL teams are as desperate for a DH as the Twins, so their competition to trade for Dunn wouldn’t be too bad. As mentioned yesterday, the trouble with adding a DH for the Twins is they need a place for Joe Mauer to hit on days he doesn’t catch. Still, they could hide Dunn in left field occasionally, and adding another power threat could help unsettle opposing pitchers, who simply get too comfortable against the Twins. Though they really could use a righthanded bat, Dunn could give them a middle order of Mauer (L), Cuddyer (R), Morneau (L), Hunter (R) and Dunn (L).

Available?: Yes, but it’s tricky. Reds GM Wayne Krivsky took a lot of heat when he traded Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez to Washington last year, trying to bolster his bullpen. There’s a theory that Krivsky would need a more obvious return for Dunn to avoid a severe public backlash of trading another franchise favorite. And he’s hamstrung because the team that receives Dunn would only have him for three months.

Probable cost: For comparison, when the Brewers traded slugger Carlos Lee to the Rangers last July, they threw in Nelson Cruz and Texas gave up OF Kevin Mench, closer Francisco Cordero, OF Laynce Nix and minor-leaguer Julian Cordero. The Reds need bullpen help, but the Twins just don’t have the depth now with Jesse Crain injured and Juan Rincon struggling. This deal probably would take an A-level pitching prospect, i.e. Garza or Slowey.

Potential Bat-Girl nickname (*You know, if she still ran the greatest blog ever): Big Donkey. This is listed on Wikipedia, as a reference to Dunn’s speed, but we think you can do better.

Odds this trade happens: 20-to-1. Here’s something we can’t get over though: Since Krivsky left the Twins to take over the Reds, Terry Ryan has made three trades — two of them with Krivsky. He sent Juan Castro and Kyle Lohse to the Reds last year, then acquired Flailin’ Phil Nevin from the Cubbies.

Carlos Silva and Luis Castillo sat in a quiet Twins clubhouse Monday night, discussing another frustrating loss and the state of this team as it sits at .500 (34-34) with 94 games remaining. “It’s getting late,” Silva said. ”You know, we need to start playing better baseball because this is getting out of hand.”

“One thing we say is we don’t need anybody here,” he added, referring to recent trade speculation. “We have the perfect team to win a lot of games. The only thing we need to do is the little things.”

I think Silva is wrong, but you have to respect the opinion. The last thing management wants to hear is a player complaining that his team needs more talent. On one level, Silva is right. The Twins could add Chief Wigginton or Cash Flowell (our thanks to Baseball Blondie for the best Mike Lowell nickname), and it wouldn’t matter if they can’t get more production from Jason Bartlett and Jason Kubel.

From what we’re hearing, the Twins are not close to completing any trade. They feel teams are asking too much right now, in general, but remain hopeful that the prices will drop as the July 31 trade deadline nears. We’ll continue our trade target series with Kevin Mench, which is a name that surfaced this past weekend at the Metrodome. We know you’re anxious to dissect Garrett Atkins and Adam Dunn, but we have yet to hear anything involving the Twins on those fronts.

They could have Mench for a song. With Corey Hart taking over right field, Geoff Jenkins in left and Bill Hall in Center (and Tony Gwynn Jr. waiting in the wings), the Brewers have kept Mench on the bench for all but two games since June 5. Can you say expendable? He’s worth a closer look:

Name: Kevin Mench, Brewers OF

Basics: He’s 29 (turns 30 Jan. 7). R/R, 6-0, 215 lbs. Born in Wilmington, Del. He was drafted in the fourth round out of the University of Delaware in 1999.

Stats: Batting .273 with 2 homers and 17 RBI. A .275 on-base percentage and a .403 slugging percentage. He has hit two home runs in his past 256 at-bats.

Salary: $3.4 million. He’ll be arbitration eligible at season’s end and eligible for free agency after 2008.

Good Twin because: The rumor is he wants to come here. They need a righthanded stick in their lineup, but Mench is a corner outfielder who does nothing for their third-base equation. And here’s a larger point that actually applies to the Dunn question: Do the Twins really want to trade for a DH? Where does Joe Mauer play on the days he’s not catching? To me, Mench would be a decent addition to the Twins’ bench (notice, that rhymes), but the Brewers probably like having him there, too.

Available?: Yes, and other teams aren’t exactly beating down the Brewers’ door.

Probable cost: Perhaps a C-level prospect, and even for that, Milwaukee would have to eat a portion of Mench’s salary.

Potential Bat-Girl nickname (*You know, if she still ran the greatest blog ever): C’mon, this guy seems like an easy target. Anyone else seeing a poor man’s Kiefer Sutherland? Let’s call him Lieutenant Kendrick. (Other uggestions?)

Odds this trade happens: 25-to-1. You get the picture.

First, an ode to those who make us laugh. Jaques says, “Rincon to the Phillies for Scott Rolen and a time machine.”

We are treading in dangerous waters here, stirring up all this trade speculation. We can get way ahead of ourselves, and as beat writers, we get paid to deal in reality. I am not here to lead you into fantasy land. Chief Wigginton was highlighted yesterday because it’s a name we keep hearing at the Metrodome. Today’s intro may surprise you because it’s a name none of us heard until yesterday. But La Velle did hear Mike Lowell’s name. He wouldn’t have written this note, if one or more people in the know hadn’t told him this yesterday.

So Lowell moves to the front. In coming weeks, we will get to other names. The readers have spoken. I’ve added to this list, fighting off the urge to investigate some of your pipe dreams — i.e. Michael Young (Rangers aren’t moving him) Mark Teixeira (Twins can’t afford him).

Anyway, here is that list: Morgan Ensberg, Edwin Encarnacion, Garrett Atkins, Adam Dunn, Lastings Milledge, Mike Sweeney, Miguel Cabrera, Chad Tracy, Xavier Nady, Rocco Baldelli, Carlos Pena, Matt Stairs, Matt Murton, Jonny Gomes, Robb Quinlan, Wily Mo Pena, Sammy Sosa, Aaron Hill, Troy Glaus and Jacque Jones. (Still taking your suggestions.)

But you should know, right now, we have nothing of substance hinting that the Twins are considering any of those guys. I spoke to a scout yesterday who told me he didn’t think the Reds are dangling Encarnacion. “He’s too cheap [for the Red to give him away],” the scout said. Orioles 3B Melvin Mora could probably be had, but the Twins probably wouldn’t consider it because he’s under contract, at about $8 million per year, through 2009.

Again, if we had something on your favorite guy, Garrett Atkins, we’d write it. I was told yesterday that the Rockies would probably be willing to move him. As the readers have noted, the Rockies have a good 3B prospect at Class AAA Colorado Springs, Ian Stewart, and they also have a potential replacement on their major league roster, in Jeff Baker. But we have no word on whether the Twins are interested, and I have my doubts because Colorado would likely want Matt Garza in return.

Wigginton and Lowell at least have been mentioned as possibilities, though as you get to know Lowell, you will see that sounds more like a pipe dream for the Twins, too.

Name: Mike Lowell, Red Sox

Basics: He’s 33 (turns 34 Feb. 24). R/R, 6-4, 205 lbs, Born in Puerto Rico, and grew up in Miami. Has a degree in finance from Florida International University.

Stats: Batting .314 with 12 homers and 48 RBI. A .372 on-base percentage and a .556 slugging percentage. He was awful in 2005, when he hit .236 with eight homers and 58 games for Florida, but has bounced back nicely since getting traded to Boston.

Salary: $9 million. He’ll be a free agent at season’s end.

Good Twin because: He’d be good for anybody. Twins catcher Mike Redmond loves him from their days together with the Marlins. Lowell does have 12 errors this year, two shy of his career high. We all know the Twins love their defense. Lowell won a Gold Glove in 2005, so he’s capable.

Available?: I’m skeptical. As a scout said yesterday, “Why would the Red Sox want to break up what they have?” Trading Lowell, would allow them to move Kevin Youkilis to third base. Perhaps the Red Sox and Yankees are both bidding for Rangers 1B Mark Teixeira, but Boston does not NEED to make that deal as much as the Yankees might think they do.

Probable cost: The Red Sox are loaded. I see very few needs on their major league roster. They also have pitching prospects coming. Because Lowell is a pending free agent, Boston couldn’t command a top-line pitching prospect. If the Twins wouldn’t part with Garza for Alfonso Soriano last year, there’s no way they’d deal Garza, Slowey, Perkins, etc., for Lowell. If the Red Sox do indeed trade Lowell, I’d imagine them getting better offers from the likes of the Angels or Dodgers, two other teams who have been said to be looking for a slugging third baseman.

Potential Bat-Girl nickname (*You know, if she still ran the greatest blog ever): Drawing a blank here, but doesn’t Lowell look like George Clooney with a goatee? (Suggestions?)

Odds this happens: 50-to-1. I’m glad we did this exercise. The more you look into it, the more you realize how unlikely he ends up in a Twins uniform.