The Family Bed
Posted on March 8th, 2007 – 9:29 PMBy May Chen
The very idea of the family bed is enough to keep guest blogger Samara Tilkens Postuma up all night…
 This is my 10-month-old son’s bed. |
 This is my almost 6-year-old stepdaughter’s bed. |
 This is my 8-year-old stepson’s bed. Interesting, huh? Not only do they have their own beds, they sleep in them too. |
As the New York Times revealed last week, a lot of people are doing the whole “family bed” thang. What’s the deal?
I’ve been there at 3am when your child will not go back to sleep and all you can think about is sleep. And I’ve dragged a baby into my bed, or crawled into my 5-year-old’s bed to help her fall asleep. Been there, done that.
But what I haven’t done, is turn the master bedroom into the family bedroom. I guess I like my space a little too much.
Little arms and elbows tend to cramp my style.
And diapers and luxury bedding just do not mix.
Call me crazy, but there are nights when having a baby in a bassinet was too close for comfort. Every little turn or sigh makes you jump out of bed.
Is it because some parents don’t want to say no? And what does it mean for our kids later? My biggest question is: what does it mean for our marriages?
When you’ve got little kids, the bedroom doesn’t have a whole lot of fireworks going on anyway…but when you’ve got kids in bed with you, there are No. Fireworks. Period.
My bed is MY bed and that’s final.
Note: Strib writer Kay Miller is doing a story on co-sleeping and would love to hear your stories - pros and cons on the issues. Do you have a child who displaces your spouse every night? Or has co-sleeping with your babies and kids been the perfect way to bond? Write to Kay Miller at kmiller@startribune.com or call (612) 673-4393. Please include phone numbers.
57 Responses to "The Family Bed"
Co-sleeping has been a wonderful and important practice in our family. We made the decision to co-sleep based on our desire for the bonding and attachment it provides. We also based this decision on our values as well as researching the many studies conducted on co-sleeping.
Parents must decide what is best for their family. Co-sleeping is appropriate and encouraged in our family but it may not work well for the next door neighbor or co-worker. It is a personal choice.
I hope parents (in this blog and elsewhere) can support and respect each others’ choices, such as co-sleeping, even if it may not be the choice they may make for their family.
I have heard a lot about co-sleeping lately, but have to agree with Samara that our bedroom must remain ours. I encourage all types of bonding with our children. However, I think it is healthy and necessary to let kids understand that mom and dad have their own lives and a special relationship as well. This relationship does not take away from the love for the kids, on the contrary, the stronger it is, the stronger the family bond. Part of that is sharing a bed and private time with each other, and only letting the kids into that bed when there is an *exceptional* circumstance. I am concerned that cosleeping inevitably creates an atmosphere where all family relationships blend into one category, which could be detrimental to a marriage.
I agree with Samara wholeheartedly. I treasure the time that I have to myself and with my husband when my kids are tucked securely in (their) beds at night. I think it’s very important that parents have time (and space) to themselves. And I also think it’s important that kids learn to put themselves to sleep and self-soothe at night (of course, with exceptions). Like Stephanie, I would be concerned that co-sleeping (especially for a long time) would take a toll on the relationship between the parents. It’s healthy to reserve time for your spouse alone.
Even though my sister and I go back and forth about parenting ideas, the way she handled her daughter and her bed makes me most impressed with of her.
Their daughter has yet to spend a day in the parents’ bed; the baby started in a tiny crib outside the parents’ bedroom door, and eventually moved to her crib downstairs.
My neice is so good about going to bed that she is 15 months and puts herself to bed. Once her diaper is changed, she puts on her own pajamas and walks downstairs (with help, of course) to her bed and asks to be put into her crib. She waves and says “goodnight!” and even tucks herself in. She never cries about going to bed, and has been sleeping through the night since she was two months old.
And trust me, there are no bonding issues in my sister’s immediate family.
I simply do not understand parents sharing their bed with their children. A parent’s bed is for the parent. Parents need time for themselves and their marriage.
A healthy relationship with your children has to start with a healthy relationship with your spouse.
I think each child is different. We never planne don sharing our bed. But our first was a premie and he needed that closeness. He slept in our bed until he was 6 months. The he ewent to his crib. But at differnet times in his toddler years came back to our room. Like our move cross country. When he felt safe he went back to his room.
Our 2nd always loved her crib and never did need our bed.
Our third has gone from his crib to his bed and in with us sometimes.
And our 4th is loving her crib. But even when we have kids in our room and bed we have time for ourselves. We take the time. What happens in a bed is not the only thing that builds a strong marriage and it is not the only thing that brings a couple or family together.
Couples do what works for them and for the family. And I don’t think it is really anyones place to say it is wrong. Just as I would not say how dare you only put your child in a crib or feed your baby formula I think people need to keep it in mind that each family raises their kids to the best of their ability.
One can have a healthy relationship with one’s spouse and co-sleep. The two are NOT mutually exclusive.
My personal experience was that co-sleeping caused a divide in our marriage, and in our bed! Physically, our son had to be touching both of us, one with his head and arms, and one with his feet, so we always made an “H” and I was being pushed off my side. The divide came because my husband and I were not in agreeance, I wanted my bed, and he wanted what was “easiest” in the groggy middle of the night wake up. My husband wakes easily, and I was never hearing my son when he woke because my husband was there so quickly, I would simply wake up because I had toddler feet in my ribs once he was back into our bed. It tooks months of work to break the habit for both my husband and my son. None of us were sleeping well!) I do believe that this is very important for parents to figure out together, because like so many parts of parenting, it has the abilty to cause a lot of issues if you don’t agree! This has just been my experience, but I do know that it works for some people, and I certainly don’t disagree with that.
I disagree with Jeanne, my husband and I have a healthy relationship and I co slept with my son the first year due to him being particularly sick. He just moved to his crib at one because now he rolls to fast to sleep in our bed. You have to be creative with your relationship. Its all about priorities and a family bed was wonderful for us. I would not mind getting our puppies out though.
I’ll never understand why as parents we feel the need to “debate” these hot button issues (witness the train wreck that was the comment section of the extended nursing post). There is no right answer here, just a lot of people trying to justify what is in fact right for their own family.
Some kids sleep just fine on their own from the beginning, other kids need the comfort of lying next to their parents, and still others have some combo thereof. Who am I to judge what is right for you? As long as we keep our family’s best interest in mind the solutions we come up with will be the RIGHT solutions for us. Period.
I agree some of the debates have gotten out of hand. But as an expectant mom I really appreciate being able to read about other people’s experiences and insights. Thank you to all those willing to share.
For a few days, I tried having our newborn in a bassinet next to our bed, but like the author of this post, I am such a light sleeper that I woke up at every slightest sound and movement. It was a nightmare! We all did better when I moved him to his own room, and he’s been there ever since (2 1/2 years).
So I know the co-sleeping is not for me, but certainly if it works for others that is their call.
And thanks to Heather for being a voice of reason! I agree, the constant debating about what is best for every child and family is not constructive. There are many “right” ways to be good parents; and I appreciate a forum where we can all have our own opinions about what is best for our own families, and not feel judged by others.
We’ve coslept with each child until weaning (between 12 and 16 months), then gently moved each child to a crib then bed. Our kids are fine and are no clingier or needier than other children in their age groups.
The benefits to sharing a bed with an infant - in my mind - are mainly for breastfeeding convenience for mom and warmth/security for baby. My own philosophy is that two month olds have no need to be independent so I certainly would not spend a moment training a little baby to tough it out or self soothe or whatever. If an infant cries, I believe in comforting her/him right away.
I couldn’t tolerate sleeping with my kids beyond age two (on the outside) because they get big and hog the bed!
I am expecting my first child in July so it is interesting to read how parents are dealing with infants and breast feeding at night. For those of you who had the baby in bed, what size bed do you have? I am afraid of rolling over the baby or of it suffocating under blankets. I also heard that an infant should sleep on its back. Any advice out there?
Mary, there are quite a few products out there for co-sleeping with an infant. Check out the bassinet section on babiesrus.com or target.com. They have side sleepers which basically pull up to the side of the bed and put the baby at the same height as you, or contraptions for on the bed that have side walls to keep you from rolling onto baby. Many bassinets have a side wall that detaches to do double duty, you can have them next to you or in another room. Blessings on your upcoming adventure!
I recommend a co sleeping device. We had my son in a bassinet until he was older. I would have been worried otherwise. We have a queen size bed and it was a bit crowded. Also, at one my son rolled out of our bed. He was fine but for us it was time for his crib. Best Wishes
Mary, the American Academy of Pediatrics has a great website http://www.aap.org/healthtopics/Sleep.cfm If you go to their “AAP SIDS Policy Recommendations”, they have a section on bed sharing on pages 3-4.
My baby, husband and I tried co-sleeping after the baby was born, but after a week or two, we moved him to his crib. A lot of reasons for the move– my husband was afraid he would roll on top of The Boy, all of us were waking too often, our bed seemed too small (a 6-7 225 # man, baby and me was just too much!), etc.
I bought the book “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” because while we weren’t going to co-sleep, I also did not want to leave The Boy to cry it out. So far the tips are working, and the book has a lot of information on baby’s sleep cycles, etc. The book’s author is Elizabeth Pantley.
Anyway– Everyone needs to do what works best for them. There are other ways to create closeness than in bed, but some relationships need that time in bed also. I do not think either way is better or worse. Every relationship and family is different.
i’m with you, jeanne. co-sleeping is not unusual in other countries. we’re just kind of weirdly puritan here in the US. my brother and his wife sleep in separate rooms and have for years. she sleeps with their two daughters (and in the same bed until the girls were about 7 and 
and he sleeps in a bunk bed with his son in the top bunk.
there’s nothing weird about it. it’s unusual for americans, but that doesn’t make it weird.
ooops–i have no idea how i created that smiley face in my above post. i meant to type the number 8.
I agree while we want to think our own way is best, most parents do what they feel is best for their family and their situation and we need to respect that.
I’m single and I co-slept with my son from 3 weeks until 6 mos. I found it great for breast-feeding, (there was no crying, just waking up, feeding and dropping back off to sleep) and I was getting sleep…light sleep, to be sure, but better than little to no sleep. I also read the “no-cry sleep solution” and it gave great safety tips if you decide to co-sleep.
Personally, to me it makes sense from a biological perspective to sleep near our children when they are small, although it is an inconvenience at times. They are near us for warmth, food, and just to feel mom near. They grow up so fast that this time doesn’t last very long. My son is already five and that was only five months out of his life – I don’t regret it for a second! For those that are married, I know of many couples who co-slept too – they just had to be more creative. 
My partner and I are adopting this summer and will definitely be co-sleeping in order to enhance and expedite our bonding and attachment process. It’s not for everyone, and we may even decide it’s not for us, but we plan on making a go of it!
I love sleeping with my babies. There is nothing better than falling asleep hugging a warm, sweet smelling beautiful baby. They start the night in their own beds but the first time they wake up I just get them and put them in my bed. Sometimes if I need some extra loving I get them on my way to bed.
I did this with my all 3 of my babies until I found out another one was on the way, then I started weaning them off of sleeping with me right away so they wouldn’t associate losing their spot in my bed with the new baby! Weaning them was a little difficult, but we usually get through the hard part in less than a week…
btw, husband sleeps like a rock, and could care less. it also doesn’t affect our time together, since I usually don’t get them until the middle of the night.
I understand completely parents who don’t want to share their beds, however. it’s all about getting as much sleep as you possibly can while raising kids, whatever makes you comfortable. while I love sleeping with babies, I have a hard time sharing my bed with my snoring farting husband! lol! and older kids in my bed is an absolute no no…
I don’t have any psychological hang-up about co-sleeping, as until the Victorian period children and parents usually shared a single bed, and humanity seemed to survive just fine. Prudish hang-ups about children and adults sharing sleeping arrangements notwithstanding, children aren’t damaged by the presence of adults when they sleep.
However, for my family there’s no way it would work - even with a king-size bed, our 2-year-old daughter can take up enough space to push both of us to the edges. Kids move an awful lot in their sleep, adjust themselves, kick, roll, etc. There’s just no way we could sleep that way. Except for maybe seven or eight nights, she’s slept her whole life in a separate room. We need our sleep and our space, and that’s not compatible with our daughter’s sleeping!
Above link should do it. The book worked very well for my family.
Again - to each their own. Maybe I am a bit selfish, but I like my kids (4 & 7) in bed by 8pm and they sleep in their own beds.
If the marriage is perfect, it doesn’t matter. For non-perfect marriages, it becomes another excuse to avoid the problems in the marriage.
I wonder why it is that certain parenting hotbuttons do create hostile reactions… there are cultural, social, and personal preferences to be considered.
My husband and I have different work schedules and, among other things, our baby’s sleep patterns had to deviate from what’s considered ‘normal’ here in the U.S. That included having to resort to co-sleeping. Oh, we tried to put her in her bassinet, and then her crib numerous times. I was physically, psychologicall, and emotionally exhausted when I first nodded off in bed with my baby on my chest. I was so guilt-ridden, I couldn’t even tell my husband. However, if anyone wants to throw the first stone, I hope that person knows what it’s like to have absolutely no help from anyone, a husband who couldn’t take any time off, and a baby who simply would not stay asleep unless she was held. After consulting our pediatrician, we finally accepted that we would become a co-sleeping family.
A former friend, single with no children, who knew about my angst, even blogged about those bad/lazy parents who co-sleep. It does boggle my mind when people without children seem to be the most judgmental when it comes to parenting styles.
Yes, there are pros and cons. Of course, the grass can be greener on the other side and I sometimes wish our baby took to the Ferber method (I was not going to have my baby cry nonstop for over an hour, hyperventilating and dehydrated), or that I had some support system to enable a transition to her crib. On the other hand, I personally cherish the moments when I have laid next to my baby just watching her beautiful sleeping face. And yes, I would have rather been a co-sleeping social-pariah of a mommy than to have been a sleep-deprived mommy prone to postpartum depression.
These so called “mommy wars” are extremely silly - we all love our children, right? So what if so-and-so breastfed only for 2 minutes or until 4 yrs of age? So what if this mommy went back to work or didn’t? Parenting is not an easy task. We all have to ponder each scenario and make careful decisions, all the while hoping they are the right choices and that we are raising our children to be good human beings. Shouldn’t we be supportive with each other instead of judging each other’s choices, making personal jabs at strangers on the internet, and carrying a general “my way or highway” attitude?
On that note, I wonder why there are so many childless ‘experts’ lurking around parenting blogs, ready to blast deviant parenting styles? Don’t you have your own playground?
I have gone back and forth with this issue, my husband I both work a couple nights a week and work long hours so having our son sleep with us is something that I enjoy after a long day of work, he starts school next year so there is going to become a time when it has to stop and when my husband and I have to be able to get “our time” together because it does cramp the intimacy a couple can have but it works for us and getting elbowed at night or kicked at night is the price we pay.
I simply do not understand why someone, Samara in this case, has to question a decision that another parent or family makes when no harm is being done. It frustrates me that at every turn we are looking to judge someone else’s preference. There is evidence and logical reasons why both sides of this argument are legitimate, but it comes down to the individual circumstances. I could just as easily comment on the fact that we are taking time away from our jobs or being parents to read and respond. There are just some times when minding your own business would be best.
I co-slept with my daughter, and it was perfect for us. She could breastfeed during the night without even truly waking me up. I had no issues about rolling on top of her, and she did not seem any less confident or clingy than any other child - quite the opposite, frankly.
It really comes down to what works for each family, and I lose respect for people that get so judgmental they feel the need to disparage an alternate way to parent. Good grief. The way this blog entry is worded is borderline disrespectful. So the blog writer is a light sleeper who treasures her bed space. Fine! I regretted ever buying a crib, as my child never spent a night in it. Frankly, she didn’t permanently migrate from my bed until she was 10, yet she was the go-to kid in the neighborhood to escort scared/homesick kids to away camp. It certainly worked for us.
No fireworks for co-sleeping parents?! As for us, we have *more* fireworks, since we’re not confined to the same boring place (the bed) every time!
To each his own, and I’m not questioning others parenting decisions but my kids do not sleep in my bed. period. I never slept in my parent’s bed. Bassinet in the room right away was fine and for feedings, but general “sleeping in my bed?” NO.
My fiance’s sister has both of her kids sleeping in their bed and they always have. Child #2 was conceived when child #1 was about 2 years old. Um, hello? So I have to say that I don’t think that all situations are, ahem, appropriate.
Crawling in bed in the morning to wake up is one thing… But
As a working, nursing, mom co-sleeping was a godsend. My daughter reverse cycle nursed and I barely woke, she just turned her head and latched on. I was able to function at work the next day. I did a lot of reading and there is a major US - rest of the world spilt on co-sleeping. Even the medical studies garner strikingly different results. Non US studies show little SIDS in co-sleeping cultures. The big US studies that examine co-sleeping deaths “forgot” to include other factors like waterbeds, drunk and stoned parents, parents with sleep disorders and so on. When the data was reviewed by others low and behold, not a single co-sleeping death without those other factors! So after reading and reading studies from around the world and buying a king sized bed my fear of harming my daughter left.
well geez, missy, you don’t know when that child was conceived. i wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it was when the two-year-old was in bed with them.
people’s habits can be more, um, creative than that….
If you choose to all sleep in the same bed and worry about falling out of bed, one option is to place a mattress or two on the floor. Some people may not even consider this but it actually works quite well.
As far as affecting your marriage…I guess it would vary with each marriage. Sure it may have some impact but it’s only temporary…I mean the kids will eventually have their own bed…and yes it could actually create more fireworks like Katie said!
I co-sleep for the same reason I breastfeed……
I am lazy end of story. The first 6 mos (except when a diaper needs changed) all I have to do is roll over stick in the boob and go back to sleep. I can not imagine getting up walking down the hall and feeding a newborn several times a night ugghh! Plus once we make the transition to the crib which is usually around month 7 I have a hard time resting because every noise in the house I think is a baby crying. Both my 6 and 3 year old sleep in their own beds now. As far as sex goes …. when my first was born we had more sex when we shared a room then when she moved to her own because when she slept with us we took every opportunity at alone time that was offered to us!
Overall there are 2 groups of people those that co-sleep and those who don’t. Is either way better than the other? No thats like saying being a red head is better than being a brunette.
Yeah, no fireworks???? ROFL We have co-slept with all 8 of our kids, and are currently expecting #9 in about 6 weeks. Who ever said you could only have “fireworks” in bed…..or at night? There are 24 hours in a day. 
Incidentally, in case anyone is wondering, at this moment, my 21yo and 19yo DO indeed sleep in their own beds. (As do the other 6) New baby will be in our bed for a few years, and it will be fine.
We coslept when our babies were newborns, out of pure laziness. Personally I think it’s the best way to get a decent amount of sleep when you have a new baby… if you’re breastfeeding. With my first, I was petrified I would crush her, so we kept her in a sidecar until she was too distracted by us to fall asleep at night (at about 4 months). At that point she moved to her crib with no struggle at all.
With our second baby, we weren’t afraid of crushing her. She slept in our bed - pillow top, down comforter, pillows… the works. She even slept on her tummy. But, she started trying to crawl over me and out of the bed at 5 months. Into her crib she went.
Point is, it’s important to keep an open mind as a new parent. Your baby may not have the same plans you do when it comes to sleeping arrangements. Research the options, and then play it by ear when your baby comes.
No one is a better or worse parent, regardless of the choice they make
Of course you can have a healthy relationship with your partner and co-sleep (and, obviously, get pregnant), but I would think it could still take a toll on a relationship if it continued for a long time. In the NYT article that Samara cites, I believe that the the families featured have problems or are not happy with co-sleeping because they are still co-sleeping with older children (3-6 year olds). (If I got this wrong, I am sorry. I read this quickly.) I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that having children in your bed for six or more years may not be in the best interest of the parental relationship.
Personally, I don’t think sleeping with an infant is a big deal (even though we chose to move our babies into their own rooms and cribs at about 2-3 months ….OK, our first stayed in our room a little longer than the next two). I personally don’t consider keeping an infant near you or in bed for the first few months as having a “family bed.” The article cited focused more on having older toddlers or kids in bed, or the parents split in separate rooms. In this regard, I think Neil Newman’s comments (the psychologist cited in the article) are worth thinking about. He said “It’s commonly believed in the mental health field that it’s important the children learn to sleep on their own. Not doing it often generalizes to other problems, becuase it’s about a fairly important way that parents say no to their children.” I don’t think he was referring to infants.
Oh, and I don’t think there is anything “puritan” or “prudish” about not wanting to co-sleep with your kids. Am I missing something? For us anyway, it’s about carving out some time and space for the parents, getting a better nights’ sleep, and teaching our kids to sleep on their own.
I co-slept with my son until he was about 2.5 years old. I am a single mom, though, and it was rare that I had a man spending the night. In that case, though, he would sleep in his crib or toddler bed just fine. I still let him sleep in my bed once in a while (when we fall asleep watching a movie or something), and he will turn 4 this month. He had absolutely no problem transitioning to his own bed at 2.5 years, either.
For future babies, I’d definitely co-sleep for at least the first few months. Probably not until 2.5, though, if I have a boyfriend or husband living with me by then. I think this, like many parenting issues, just depends on the comfort level of the parent and what works best for both parent and child.
I find it funny that some people think that because a child is a good sleeper, it’s all due to them being in their own bed from the start.
My nephew is 4yrs old, and bedtime is still a total battle. Hours of struggle. He was in a crib in his own room from day 1. My neice is 4yrs old, and bedtime is also a battle. Screaming crying and conniving. Also in a crib in her own room from day 1. My other neice (sister of my nephew) is 1yr old and has slept through the night (crib, own room) since the beginning, asks to nap and to go to bed, goes down with no fuss. My eldest is 3yrs old, coslept in our bed for a year, then we put a double mattress in her room (took away the crib), and one of us would spend at least half of every night in her room for the 2nd year. When she was about 2.5 she realized that she COULD sleep on her own just fine. Now goes to bed with no struggle. We read a book, tuck her in, turn out her light, and she goes to sleep. Even if we’re somewhere new, or there are guests in the house, she accepts that it’s sleeptime, and she just goes to sleep. She’s a champion sleeper. Doesn’t wake, doesn’t cry, doesn’t try to con us into staying up later. Our youngest is just now sleeping in her own bed (also a double mattress on the floor) at 16 months. One of us generally spends a few hours in her bed each night.
do ANY of those situations mean that cosleeping is right or wrong? no. just means that some things work for some kids, and some things work for other kids. There is no ONE thing that will work for every child in every family.
as for the relationship between spouses, ours is just fine thank you Sleeping together doesn’t make or break a strong marriage. We prefer to have our quality time together while awake!
My husband and I are expecting our first baby in June. We’ve had friends and family whose experiences run the gamut - A) some coslept with their babies in the parents’ bed nightly to age 2, B) some slept in their kids rooms with the kids and until the kids fell asleep (and sometimes all night), and C) others had the baby in a crib from the get-go, putting the baby to bed awake so he/she could learn to fall asleep on his/her own.
From witnessing these experiences and seeing how the kids have turned out so far (now in their toddler stages) we can see…
The “A” babies had a very difficult time acclamating to being alone to sleep at night - nights of trauma for both parents and kids because of the lack of connection and insecurity in being apart. Plus, the parents had little time to “reconnect” with each other due to the third party in the bed.
The “B” babies couldn’t sleep (and still can’t) without someone laying with them or near them in their room until they fall asleep, then cry in the middle of the night if they wake up alone.
The “C” babies tend to be able to easily put themselves to sleep, sleep longer and so do the parents. They are easy children for others to take overnight because they can self soothe.
With these experiences we’ve learned (albeit admittedly second hand) that we want to have a C baby. Reading “On Becoming Babywise” helps us learn how to establish this - both parents and babies are comfortable and secure in a flexible, parent-directed schedule and babies are able to self-soothe and put themselves to sleep because of the sleep-wake/feed-play-sleep cycle. It only makes sense to me. Raising secure, independent children starts with a consistent, predictable sleep routine.
My son co-clept for the first 4 months, then a crib in another room. His younger sister slept with us for the first year–interestly, when my son was 3 (and went into a big bed), he started to join us in bed in the middle of the night, and did this for the next 5 years. His sister has never joined us in bed (except during a bad vomiting session). Each kid is different, each parenting style is different. To each his own I say. If we have more, time will tell where they will sleep. And as for sex and intimacy–the bedroom might be off limits at times, but the rest of the house isn’t!
Natalie, I just challenge you to keep an open mind, as many of our parenting plans fall to the wayside when the baby actually comes along. These little beings have needs/minds/desires of their own, and only time will tell which “category” your little one falls into. You might want a “C” baby, but your baby might not agree! For us, both my kids are in the “B” category that you described, and my eldest has become the most secure, independent, easy little sleeper ever. (the youngest is still getting there ).
also, breastfeeding will go MUCH smoother, and nights will be less interrupted if you do consider keeping your baby close by you at nights for at least a few months. I was the most rested from the time my babes were newborn, until they were about 5 months old. Barely woke except to find a boob. You’ll find that some babies will not adhere to the “schedule” you expect them to have. Some will physically require that they wake every 2hrs for 6 months, and that is much easier to handle if you just have to move 4″ to find them
I agree with Kristin, keep an open mind. But also consider that very few children, if any, are naturally “C” babies. They have to learn how to sleep independently, which means the parents have to teach them. It can take a lot of time and effort, but if you stick with it, it will be well worth it. Personally, if I had to lay down with my kids each night until they fell asleep, I don’t know when I would have time for myself and my husband. And I know I enjoy a night out or a weekend away every once in a while.
We co-slept with our first son until he was 18 months old (he was nursing at night until then). I was 3 months pregnant at the time. For awhile, my husband laid next to him until he fell asleep (he slept in a twin bed and never in a crib). Now at just-turned-three, we’re able to read him a story, tuck him in, say goodnight, and leave him to fall asleep on his own. He has never come into our room in the middle of the night. Our second son is still in our bed and will probably stay there for the next 6-12 months before he’s ready to move to a bed of his own. We’ll definitely put them in a room together and possibly get a double bed so they can share a bed if they choose. For us, we co-sleep during the time our kids would be in cribs because it makes breastfeeding easier, we feel it helps our kids trust us and know we’re always there for them, and because they’re warm and snuggly.
Thanks for the web pages, and book references, and imput. I feel so much better about making a choice that seems best for myself, husband, and baby, which I can see can vary with time as well as with the temperament of the baby. I feel like I can´t go wrong!!!
As many have already stated, there really is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Whether people do it or not is primarily a preference in many instances and a necessity for some. We found co-sleeping worked for our children and us. They loved it because they felt safe, attached and nurtured by being close to us. We loved it because we got to spend more time with them reading to them, talking to them and the like. We would not have traded a single night for the times we did co-sleep. They do not remain babies for very long and yes, they did eventually sleep in their own rooms and their own bed but in their own time too. Their childhood is over now but I believe that, for us, co-sleeping provided some quality/quanity time for creating fond memories that they (and us) will always have.
Before you use Babywise please read some of the info at the link below - and realize that the AAP actually has stated
“The policy statement says, “Newborns should be nursed whenever they show signs of hunger, such as increased alertness or activity, mouthing, or rooting. Crying is a late indicator of hunger.”
Babywise of course recommends not following these hunger cues. More info at:
Then make your own decision of course.
In my view, there is a very large gray area here. I do think it’s okay to co-sleep for some people. Say, when breastfeeding, because it is way more convenient. But (again, in my opinion) there comes a time when the child needs to start learning to take care of themselves. Sleeping on your own really is one of the first things humans need to learn. It creates a schedule with discipline. It teaches the babies to soothe themselves. The “Family Bed” issue goes stickier in that most people who practice this also practice “attached parenting” - which (from what I understand) can range from co-sleeping and not using babysitters to breast feeding until they are GROWN (don’t agree with but there was another post for this, right?). Again, there is a lot of gray here. Some situations I would see as being “normal” - as in, I would see reasoning and sensibility. Some situations make me wonder about the child’s safety. Not that every AP or co-sleeping practicing family is incestrious (sp) - I’m sure the majority are not. But with the number of adolescent molestation cases - by parents alone - it makes it really hard not to judge an adult who sleeps with a child. Even if it is in the purest of intentions, on paper it just looks so….Law and Order SVU. No partner of a child molester has ever said “Yeah, I kind of thought he would do that.”
Okay, AGAIN: I dont think you are wrong or sick or molesting your kids - I’m just saying that with the way the world is today, it’s hard to not assume the worst of people - especially people who are different from you. It’s easy to say “don’t judge me” … but isn’t it a little judgemental to assume that your children feel more loved because they get to sleep in your bed? Is my child not loved because he sleeps in his own bed? Maybe we all need to be less narrow minded - but that’s never going to happen. You just have to do what works for you and not care what other people think.
Natalie, your comments remind me of something that my mother once told me when I was commenting on my nephew’s behavior: The best parents in the world are the people who have no children. It’s funny, how 95% of what I read about parenting has fallen to the wayside, and the only advice I seek from a book now is how much Tylenol to give my son.
As a first time mom, I was against co-sleeping. My first son was an angel, slept in his crib from day one. My second son has been quite different. He will not sleep unless he is in the bed with us. He was like that since the day he was born. It was not anything that we had done differently or wrong this time around, he is just a needy, and somewhat colicky, baby. He is such a light sleeper also. There is no rocking him to sleep and laying him down in his crib, he is awake before he even hits the matress. We have tried everything under the sun, to no avail. It is easier for us, and our other son who hears every cry, to co-sleep for now. We have decided to put more effort into moving him into a crib until after we move next month, because most infants and toddlers regress on their sleeping habits when they move into a new home.
That being said, the first few weeks of sleep after the move are not going to be hard on the little guy, because as long as he is next to a warm body, he will sleep. However, my first son, who was a “C” baby using Natalie’s definition, will not sleep anywhere but his own bed at home. He was the best sleeper as an infant, but he is too used to sleeping in his own bed that it is difficult to get him to sleep anywhere else. He may be able to self soothe at home, but he has a hard time anywhere else. You can do everything that you feel is right, but the outcome is not always what you would expect. A lot of sleeping habits, and other habits for that matter, are not just about how you raise a child. You can do your best to raise a “C” child, but some children have a hard time outside the comforts of their own crib, even if they are able to self soothe at home.
As an adult, I prefer to sleep in a bed with my husband. It is comfortable. It is warm. To sleep in a separate room would be strange. I can understand why a child prefers to sleep with his/her parents, and why some adults prefer to sleep in separate rooms. A lot of adults have difficulty sleeping. Why should we expect our children to have it down from day one?
I don’t understand the concept of “children must learn to sleep on their own”. Why must they? Won’t they eventually learn that whether that is at 4 mos, 2 years, 4 years, etc? Why must it be at 4 mos? Haven’t families and/or siblings been sleeping near each other since humans existed on earth? It seems it has only been really in the last 50 years or so that having one’s own room and own bed seems so very important. I shared a bed with my sister for some time, my parents both shared a bed when they were children at some point with one or two siblings. Granted, my parents did not allow us to sleep in bed with them either, but they did allow us to sleep on the floor next to their bed when we were scared and needed to be near them.
I don’t think anyone is saying their children are “loved more” if they co-sleep. My son co-slept from 3 weeks - 6 mos, and then on and off when he was a toddler/preschooler. As a working, single mom who has to share custody, those extra nights of cuddling I got were so precious to me and reassuring for him. This is MY personal situation. Since about four years old, (now 5) he goes to bed with no problems, we read a story, get tucked in and I might lay with him for a couple minutes before he falls asleep, (although not required) but he goes to sleep and stays asleep. If he wakes, he falls back asleep on his own.
I have been sleeping in my 1 year olds room. It started out because my husband snores and being sleep deprived as it was….didn’t need to add that to the mix. I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep away from the baby as well since I would have to literally get up to check him if he made a sound that I seemed “out of the norm.” At least this way I’m right there in the same room and it gives me peace of mind. Now that he is strong enough to roll over, sit up, etc….I feel more comfortable moving back into the master bedroom.
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