Sisters who Settle
Posted on March 10th, 2008 – 9:28 AMBy May Chen
You may have already read the article that’s whipping up the latest post-feminist fracas.
In her article “Marry Him!” in the March issue of the Atlantic Monthly, Lisa Gottlieb, 40 and a single mom of a baby conceived using donated sperm (why do they call it a donation when you have to pay??) harangues women in their thirties to stop wondering if he’s Mr. Right and just accept him as Mr. Good Enough. Her argument: you might be willing to wait but your eggs won’t.
“Don’t worry about passion or intense connection,” she insists. “Overlook his halitosis.” For a man, she says, any man, is part of the necessary infrastructure to start a family.
Now that sounds to me like the necessary infrastructure for divorce. I’m in the head-over-heels at “I do” camp myself (I’d have to be to move across the world to Minnesota from a tropical paradise).
I wasn’t one of those who yearned for kids. That came after I met my husband. I wanted kids with him. But if I was 38 and single? I don’t know…I’d like to think I’d have directed my energies elsewhere, like my career.
Gottlieb’s argument hinges on the fact that her friends whinge endlessly about their husbands yet aren’t willing to chuck them. “Send them over!” she exhorts. No discarded mates have come her way yet, she reports.
16 Responses to "Sisters who Settle"
Ooh! I am SO glad that you wrote about this topic. I read the article and several follow up pieces and find it very interesting. I have no idea how I would be in that position but I’d like to think ideally that first comes love, marriage and babies. Wow. I’m interested in seeing what other Cribsheeters have to say on this one.
Samara, if you hv links to those follow-up pieces, post them here…
Marriage and parenting is too much work to not have someone by your side who you know you can count on. I don’t think that would happen if you just settled. Often times people will tell me how lucky I am to have a husband who plays with our son, reads to him, puts him to bed, picks up after himself, etc. I say, “No, I am not lucky. I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t like that.” I believe in, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”
Like Samara, I’m glad you wrote about this. When I read the article originally, I said to my husband: “This is going to create a stir!” But thus far I haven’t seen or heard a peep!
To be honest, I’m on the fence on this topic. Up until a week before I met my husband, I was browsing sperm bank websites. I had been in so many relationships that I thought were “the one,” that when the last one ended I decided to be done with the dating thing. Too often my future plans with some guy went awry because of his change of heart. I was 37 and I really wanted a child, so I was going to do it myself. Best laid plans (so to speak) . . . a year to the day after I met my husband we got married, and 6 weeks after that we got pregnant. Did I “settle” on my husband? Sort of. I wasn’t head over heels for him, he didn’t make me giddy or turn my world upside down. But he was kind, thoughtful, intelligent and interesting. And we had both matured, I think, past the point of needing to fall madly in love. (Hell, I had fallen madly in love so many times, and had ended up licking my bruises so many times, that I didn’t dare fall inlove again.) I knew I loved him and he loved me, and I felt he would be a fine father and husband.
The irony of it all is that my husband got very sick in the middle of my pregnancy, so for the remainder of my pregnancy, and during labor, delivery and about a year or so after my son was born, I was, for all intents and purposes, a single mother. Careful what you wish for, huh?
I don’t believe that a man, any man (or a partner, any partner) is part of the necessary infrastructure of a family. There are times when I sure am glad my husband is around, but there are also times when it would be a lot easier without him. (He probably feels the same way about me.) I’m glad my kids have a kind, involved dad; if the dad (or mom) is hostile or indifferent, kids (and the spouse) may be better off without him (or her). I love my husband, and in general I enjoy coparenting with him, but can I imagine doing it without him? Sure I can.
Having tried my hand at single motherhood, involuntarily, I can see the pluses and minuses. Having “settled” — or maybe I should say having married someone who wasn’t what I set out looking for — I can see the benefits and the drawbacks.
The men I would have settled for through most of my thirties apparently weren’t that interested in settling for me. The man who did eventually settle for me did so after I had already decided that I didn’t need him. Maybe what Lisa Gottlieb should be advising is to let go of the desperation, then good things, especially unexpected things, may come your way.
One thing I’d like to add, however, just for the record, is that if I had done the sperm bank thing on my own, I wouldn’t have the children I currently have, and I certainly CAN’T imagine my life without THEM! 
So hard to know without reading the article but if her point was to say marry whomever’s handy just for their sperm I think we could all agree that’s horrible advice. Being a single mom seems hard enough. Would it be harder to be a mom with a dad around who a) you don’t really care for or, even worse, b) doesn’t do much or is even detrimental in some way would be worse.
However, if she’s saying that women who are sure they want kids should get rid of unrealistic ideas of romance and perfect partners then I’d probably be on her side.
Was she just trying to be provocative?
Wow, thanks for posting about this article! I just read it now. I have to say that I also disagree with most of it. You should never settle for the person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with, and the person that will be the father of your children. That does sound like a way to get a divorce and to have your children in a potentially messy situation (although some couples do handle divorce wonderfully) or to have a sub-par father for your children. I think that having a poor father for your children is probably worse than having no father (such as having a sperm donor). At least the children will not have to deal with rejection and all of the issues that may go along with it in the no father/sperm donor situation, and will feel like they were born because their one parent truly wanted them.
I also hate how she insinuates that a lot of women have settled, which is probaby the case for a small percentage of women, but certainly not all. There are those of us with wonderful marriages who waited to find the right person. We didn’t settle and are certainly very relieved and happy that we did not
I also don’t like how she seems to think being in a mediocre relationship is better than being single. Every relationship is different, and it depends on how poor the relationship is, but I think as a society we agree in general that being alone and happy is better than being with a partner that is a poor fit for you. Better to be lonely sometimes than to be fighting with someone half the time, and not truly enjoying the time that you spend with them the other half.
I do agree with how she states that many women are too picky about their potential partners; that is somewhat true and even your soulmate (or if you don’t believe in that, someone that you are truly compatible with) will have some traits that you’re not crazy about as nobody is perfect. However, marrying for someone that you truly love and cherish but has an annoying habit of getting cracker crumbs in bed is a far cry from marrying someone that you aren’t truly in love with and you aren’t sure how good of a father he will be! There is a big difference there that she does not go into or even seem to understand.
I’m really interested to hear what other Cribsheeters say as well!
Tobi,
I didn’t read your response until after I posted mine. Thanks for the honest reply!
Sherry
I’ve been hesitant to post because I understand where the author is coming from. I’m not there…I married at 24 and had my baby at 30, but marriage is a compromise! And I’m a realist!
Maybe “settle” is the wrong word. I’m realistic. My husband isn’t perfect. But, when I met him, I decided he was the right partner for me (and he decided the same thing). It was a gamble made without knowing each other very well, but we’ve been married 7 years and have a beautiful toddler. I decided that he was the man I would marry because he loved kids, was kind, generous, worked hard, made me laugh, is loyal. Are there things I don’t like? YES. (I’m positive he could say the same thing about me!!) There are things about him that if we were dating, I probably would have broken up with him about. But we mutually decided that we wanted to aim for marriage and a family, and we’ve worked hard and supported each other since then.
Maybe the author said “settle” for the sake of shocking her audience. Better advise would be to tell people (not just women!!!) that marriage is hard work and “the one” is going to be the one who’s quirks you’re willing to put up with in order to have them on your team for the rest of your life! It’s hard work and take mutual committment. Maybe the person that wants to be with you isn’t a 10 (or even an 8). Maybe they watch too much ESPN, or have an annoying friend. But maybe they are loyal and kind, and will let you sleep-in while he gets up with the kids on a Saturday. I think “settling” is just a shocking way of reminding you to look at the pros and cons and maybe realize that the pros win out! And the lovely thing is that in addition to the rush at the beginning relationship, your “not quite perfect partner” can turn into your best friend, father of your children, your son’s hero, your cheerleader, and the person who will be around for the next 50 years!
Busy Mom, I think you hit the nail on the head! I certainly don’t think it sounds like you and Tobi “settled” for your husbands at all but just had realistic expectations and work hard in your marriage as well all do! If the author had term’d her article the way you did your post, I think we would all pretty much agree with her. The way she using the term “settling” sounds like she is willing to overlook a man’s gambling and alcohol habits, which is certainly different than overlooking an ESPN addiction! Thanks for your great post!
Again, have not read the actual article, but do other people have the same experience as it sounds like the author does–friends that complain, in a serious sort of way, about their husbands a lot? I really don’t. We might gripe about this or that but I never get the sense anyone’s close to showing them the door. Am I living in some kind of Stepford Bubble?
Sherry, I don’t know for sure what the author’s experience is but what I’ve learned is that from the outside looking in, sometimes the normal gripes are misinterpreted by single friends. When we were going through some hard times a couple of years ago, I needed an outlet to vent a bit in order to not say something I’d regret at home. I noticed that I had to pick my audience. I compared notes with another married friend and she’d learned the same thing. If you hear spouse complaints (just normal gripes) they can seem worse than they are and out of context. One of those single friends recently got married…now she understands what I was talking about!
Amy: Thanks!
Sherry and others who haven’t read the article…here’s the link again:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
I agree she’s being provocative…. “settle” is a v. loaded word.
And Tobi, thank you (as always) for being so thoughtful and honest.
I’m not sure where to begin with this one. My initial reaction when I heard about this article last week was to scoff and be appalled and disappointed that a woman of my generation would really conclude this.
I still feel all that, but I also find myself hesitating to judge women (or men) in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to be in their shoes and frankly, the older I get, the more unwilling I am to judge situations I haven’t faced yet — esp. big life ones, like this or terminal illness or infertility or any of that. I just don’t know how I’d feel or what I’d be willing to do (or not do).
I do know I was/am incredibly lucky; I’m married to a man who actually managed to *surpass* my very high expectations and still does — as my love, as my friend, and as a father (and even as my nonprofit business partner, as Ms. Gottlieb characterizes marriage with children). I also know that we didn’t marry till we were in our 30s, and that I very consciously held out for either a great marriage, or none. I had watched my mother suffer for years in an unhappy marriage to my father, and I was determined to marry *only* if it could be an extremely strong, happy, wonderful marriage. So part of it was my own thinking and my decision not to settle. But mostly it was luck, I’m the first to admit that.
I find myself wondering many things as I read the article:
– Will she still feel this way when her son is a bit older? I really feel she’s speaking from a particularly time-intensive, grueling time of parenthood, when it’s true you rarely see your partner apart from chores, heading to bed exhausted, etc., and when just the helpmeet aspect of marriage seems so paramount. But what about when you start to sleep more, and the kids head off to school, and you have more time for each other (and yourself)? I feel as though we’ve turned such a corner in our life as our kids have moved out of toddlerhood. Things are still crazy busy and tiring, but there’s just more space to breathe now, and to be ourselves as individuals again as opposed to just Partners in Drudgery. What happens later in life in a marriage where you “settled” for a baby/toddler helpmeet, and you now have 20 years of each other and a teenager to boot?
– She talks of “Mr. Good Enough,” but what *is* good enough? And good enough for what? She seems to be hinging an awful lot of her reasoning on parenthood, which was obviously very important to her. It’s almost as if her article should have been subtitled “The Case for Marrying Mr. Good Enough If You’re Convinced That Children Will Make You Happy and You Just Want Some Help.”
– I’m struck by this: “It’s one thing to settle for a subpar mate; it’s quite another to settle for a subpar father figure for my child.” But isn’t that what she’s suggesting? She claims that just bolsters her argument that you should settle young (before you are older, “when settling involves selling your very soul in exchange for damaged goods” — yikes!), but isn’t a subpar father subpar regardless of age??
I guess I have lots of deep-seated resistance to this argument, but also come back to that basic fact that I’m not in this position, so who knows. I don’t think I ever saw having children as that critical for my happiness, and she seems to think most women do. I wonder.
Sherry and Busy Mom:
I was thinking the same thing…that she probably is making too much of the “complaints” she’s been hearing from married friends and taking them out of context. I do think it’s the rare person who can put themselves into a situation they’ve never been in and really “get” the issues going on.
Just as I have not been in her position, so it’s hard to say how I would feel if I were in my late 30s and still looking for a partner…but I do agree with several others here who have said (better than I can) that it seems like “settling” for a man just for the sake of a man (and the kids you hope to have with him) is not doing him, you, OR the kids any favors. What seemed like things you could “put up with” when it was just the two of you might grow larger than life when there’s a new baby in the house, people are running on little sleep, and tempers are short.
I’m the 24 year old single mom of an almost 5 year old. I personally have no problem with single-parenting, and wouldn’t want any discarded mates sent my way. I had quite an easy time adjusting to parenting, being only 19 and barely getting a taste of autonomy before being totally depended on by someone else. Maybe part of her issues with single parenting are that she was much older when she had her child and was so used to not being tied down? I don’t know, this is just a hypothesis I have after noticing some of these same issues among my older single mom friends and colleagues. Who doesn’t love anecdotal evidence? 
Of course, as others have said, the grass is always greener.
