Cribsheet reader “singleinthecities” offers her perspective on Monday’s  post featuring the Atlantic Monthly piece “Marry Him”

To all the moms who responded to Lisa Gottlieb’s provocative  (and slightly pathetic, in my opinion) piece, try to put yourself in another set of shoes. You’re 37. Maybe you’re 38 or 40. You love life. You are also very single, and it’s hard to meet men, ANY men, despite the Internet and all. You love kids and you always have. You are realistic but not desperate. But you know that despite the latest celebrity midlife “baby bump” tabloid story (when did a child get demoted to a “bump” by the way?) that the clock really is ticking, and that stories of twins at 48 involve money and stretches of medicine and ethics that probably aren’t realistic for most women.

You would like to meet a nice guy. You could care less whether he is balding or whether he has terrible taste in shoes. You don’t care if he sings off-key. You have dozens of intelligent, attractive friends with good jobs and stable lives who are all single – and all women over 30. Some of them have deeply held religious or cultural values and can’t find someone who will walk that path with them. Some of them can’t read an article like Lisa’s without sobbing, I suspect.

We have heard that the statistics are against us – not just for motherhood, but for marriage at all. And we sense that, even without pie charts and numbers. Most of us are not scared of being alone. We’ve gotten good at it. And we have lots of friends, married and single. But sometimes we’re a little sad, to be honest. We see shelves in bookstores full of advice and regimens on how to get ourselves married, all of them marketed to women, incidentally. (I think we would rather read about how people stay married.)

 Yes, “settling” is a loaded word. But keep in mind that one person’s “settling” is another person’s “wise compromise.” After all, we live in a culture that speaks about soulmates and chemistry more than about commitment.

Clearly, some of Gottlieb’s examples are way beyond settling. If someone talks about their fascination with comas and terrorists, then your single sisters aren’t talking about settling, we’re talking: “Run for your lives. Now!”

If you’re in our shoes, you might not be looking for instant sparks and elaborate dates. You’re probably looking for kindness, honesty, integrity and stability. You are looking for someone to build a life with, not sweep you off your feet. (Now if he swept the kitchen floor…..)
Maybe that’s not settling at all. Maybe it’s maturity. Or maybe it’s personality. Some women just aren’t the giddy-giggles-and-butterflies type. And maybe that’s what happens when you’re looking midlife square in the eye, and the clock is ticking for you but not for your male peers. (Where are our male peers, by the way?)

Cribsheet readers, don’t assume that your single sisters don’t esteem marriage and motherhood. A lot of us truly love hearing about your kids. We love some aspects of being single, and we celebrate those, but we aren’t going to tear down marriage and children just because we have sole control of the remote.

Some of us can’t talk about the ticking and the ache because we might choke up and make you feel awkward. We wonder if the clock will eventually quiet itself. Some of us try to talk about it, but then we hear how lucky we are, with our tidy, quiet houses and diaper-free shopping carts and all. Yes, we know marriage and motherhood are work. But we think it’s work we’d like a chance at, without involving a donor anything. (Maybe we think THAT would be settling.) Maybe we want to talk about the ups and downs of being a mom honestly with you. Maybe it would be OK if the moms out there asked us about the dating scene – or lack of it. And of course if you know any nice guys, we’re probably OK with meeting them, too. Just no one who is fascinated with terrorists and comas. (Oh, and if you want to read a really pathetic slice of blogland, hold your nose and click on )

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