Trusting a Stranger
Posted on March 14th, 2008 – 8:10 AMBy May Chen
Guest blogger Samara Tilkens Postuma on trust in our society…
A few weeks back, I ran to Kohls with my almost two year old son, Henry. I’d been looking for some new pictures for our living room wall and was soon engrossed in comparing, looking at different ideas and the current sale. H was busy as ever trying to climb in and out of his stroller and I finally seemed to be making some decisions.
Then reality hit and I realized that it was pretty much going to be impossible to push him in the stroller and carry the heavy pictures I’d picked out. And by now he’d started losing his patience as well.
We stepped in the main aisle, me, trying to push him while balancing the two pictures on the stroller. A woman walked up and offered to help me.
“Umm, that’s ok.” I said.
“I’m all done anyway, I can help you.”
And finally I said yes, letting her push Henry up to the front while I carried the pictures.
When we approached the checkout, I thanked her over and over and she surprised me again.
“Do you want me to wait and help you out to your car?”
“Oh no, that’s ok.” I said feeling nervous inside.
“I really can, I have four kids at home.”
The cashier and I looked at each other and I agreed to allow this kind woman to walk me out to my car. (At least I’d have a witness?)
I have to admit I was initially skeptical. Why did she want to help me? What if she was a crazy? A kidnapper? A murderer? (Though she definitely looked like a normal mom to me.)
Is this is what our society has turned into?
Recently I learned of a new change and requirement for parent volunteers in our school district.
All parent volunteers will be required to submit background checks in order to volunteer, attend field trips and in a sense, be involved in their childs education.
I honestly can see both sides of the issue here. We do need to protect students by keeping dangerous people out. We need to make sure those that are coming to help are really coming to help and not to seek out vulnerable students.
However at the same time, it makes me really sad that this is what it has come to. Providing a background check to the school to prove that you are safe and trustworthy enough to help in your childs classroom. Nevermind the added responsibility on the already overworked office staff who will now need to keep track of exactly which parents can and can not do certain things.
It just makes me sad to think of the people who might not volunteer because of the time and expense of going through a background check, nevermind those with traffic violations or the like who might not want those exposed to school personnel.
I’m seriously torn on this issue because of my own beliefs that most people are genuinely good but also the belief that this is the world we live in and there are some people that do want to cause harm.
Am I just that naive?
Samara Tilkens Postuma
http://simplicityinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
21 Responses to "Trusting a Stranger"
We always have had to do background checks here in the school dist. At least that Iknow of since my kids entered into it in 2002.
Not that I am saying they do not do them at all but I do know I never filled it out this year as they need to be done each year and I have volenteered every Wed all year.
So i would not feel all out safe just because the policy is in place.
That being said the whole trust thing in todays society is sad but I am one who like you believes that most people are good people. I have left my purse behind and had someone turn it in 2 times. I have also lef tit and nothing was left. (yes I know learn girl) I know the first time my oldest son deemed it that he was to old to go into the girl’s bathroom to go pee and went into the men’s room without me I counted the seconds and had a heart attack while I waited.
I’m reading a book right now called “Protecting the Gift: How to Keep our Children Safe and Parents Sane”. It talks about following your instincts and not being nice just because someone is being nice to you. The incident at Kohls turned out okay, obviously, but everything inside of you screamed that it was NOT okay. The book talks about being very wary of people who try to convince you that they are trustworthy: “I really can, I have four kids at home.”
It says that we are much better off to ask someone for help, because we will choose someone we are comfortable with and chances are much higher they won’t be a predator (compared to someone who approaches you).
I’m finding this book very interesting and am recommending it to everyone I know with children.
I also think most people are good at heart, but we do need to worry/think about the ones who aren’t. I, too, would have had some hesitation about the woman helping me to my car…I would never forgive myself if it led to something happening to me son. As far as schools are concerned, I am a teacher and I am all for background checks for the parents. It is sad that it has come to this, but we also know that we need to protect our kids. I would want a ex-felon, no matter how much they had changed, to be escorting my son on a field trip.
I would have happily accepted the woman’s help and had her carry the pictures to the car and lay them down when we got there. What’s the worst that could happen, she steals the pictures? I’m not seeing how that situation is any different than if the woman behind you in the checkout line left the store at the same time.
Sure she could mug or car jack you, but I’m not seeing how carrying your pictures puts you more at risk for that.
Kate -
It appears that she let the woman push her son’s stroller versus carrying the pictures. I would agree with you if the stranger handled the merchandise instead of the child. It least that is the way I would have handled it.
I agree with Kate and would have happily accepted help. The concerns about strangers doing bad things to kids are totally overestimated. The rate of stranger abduction of children has always been extremely low (although the cases are well publicized) and today it is even lower than it was in the 70s. It is much more common that someone you know and trust will do something than a stranger will. And again, the likelihood of that happening is slim.
We should be much more worried about kids not spending time outside running around and exploring than we should be about the possibility of someone doing something to them. The real threats of childhood obesity and accompanying health issues are a much bigger concern.
Ok - that was really preachy. But this is one of those things that gets to me. We have these misplaced fears and worry about the wrong things - the things we don’t have control over, instead of the things we do have control over.
Again, apologies for the preachy tone - does anyone else agree, though?
I couldn’t think of the name, but now I came up with it. There’s a great book on this topic called: “The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are Afraid of the Wrong Things” by Barry Glassner a sociology prof. He examines how the media and other cultural influences make us worried about things, such as stranger abduction, that are really rare and prevents us from doing things, like monthly breast self-exams, that really are helpful.
Ok -enough from me!
On a vacation with my husband a few years ago we were standing at “the best place to watch the sunset,” along with everyone else staying on that Greek Island. A french man standing next to us was trying to juggle luggage, a wriggling toddler, and a camera, and I offered to help. To my surprise, he handed me the toddler without thinking - I was expecting the luggage.
My reaction vs. his reaction made me think there is a cultural divide here, as Lija mentions.
I agree with Sarah, there is a culture divide these days. How many of you remember running the streets of your neighborhood when you were 7 years old? I grew up in Robbinsdale and would be out doing any and everything from dusk to dawn and never did my parents worry about me not coming back at night. I myself on the other hand feel the need to watch my 12 year old as he goes outside to shoot baskets for a few minutes. I guess my ‘fear’ comes from working in the occupational area of human services and being aware of people’s backgrounds which include felonies. But, I would have accepted the offer for help from the kind lady at Kohls and opted that she only had good intentions in mind. I myself have offered to help those in need and wish I could see more of that happening on a daily basis. I guess times have changed though…….
Ah, yes, culture. I grew up across the world, where everybody picks up everybody else’s babies (yes, we have abductions too and horrible crimes, but for the most part, babies are sort of treated like community treasures - for all to enjoy and coo over.) Anyway, last summer here, I got on the shuttle bus to the Target Book Fair loaded with stroller, 1-yr-old and 3-year-old. I’ll never forget the look of shock on the bus driver’s face as I handed him the baby. I mean, he was standing by the bus door, hands out to help, but I suspect he expected to help out with the stroller instead. Something inanimate, anyway.
I love that people are discussing this!Our kids are actually SO Much safer today from stranger attacks and abductions. Our kids are suffering from a lack of freedom and independence due to our fears and it saddens me. Like others growing up in the 80s I would go out in the morning to play around the neighborhood and not come back until meal times, and it was a wonderful childhood full of exploring and learning about things on my own, and yes I did have a few bruises and stitches. 
My husband was much more sheltered growing up and he has trouble jumping into things and challenging himself while I am independent and unafraid to jump out of my comfort zone.
We have to stop over protecting our kids and ourselves. While I totally agree with following ones instincts and even being rude if it means doing so, I also feel that we are being over paranoid.
Most people offering help are just trying to be nice and have good intentions. I am orginally from Iowa and it was really hard to get used to the more wary Minnesotans (or perhaps its a big city thing?) who would act scared of me or leary if I offered help or just tried to make small talk in a line or in an elevator. I’m not an intimidating person (5′3 female) so I at first I was hurt that people were acting as though I was trying to get something or trick them when in fact I was just being friendly.
This has bothered me and reading the author’s reaction to assitance being offered has made it more clear to me why this happens. Most people are good and kind and sometimes you have to tell yourself that.
Use common sense. Ask yourself why you are afraid of the person talking to you or offering help. If we stop accepting help and ignore everyone around us in public places we’ll stop being a community. THings will happen like that poor woman who was raped and beaten in a hallway with others peaking out their doors and doing nothing for fear of getting involved.
Get to know your neighbors, connect with another parent at the park, be considerate of others and treat them as though you know them (you’ll drive much differently if you pretend the person who just cut you off in traffic is your mom).
I’m not saving to be naive, I’m just saying lets be kind to each other and not so fearful.
I meant to add, Lija, I totally agree with you and think we are on the same page!
I too enjoy that this is being discussed! Thinking about it from the other end, when I’m out without the kids I’ve often seen a mom struggling to carry things and wanted to help, but stopped myself for fear that she’d think I was “crazy” or trying to take her kids. Beyond holding an occasional door, I usually keep to myself. How sad that societal fear cuts down on our “random acts of kindness”. Sad to say, but I don’t think I would have accepted the help at Kohl’s either.
Lin, I also have the experience of thinking that Minnesotans are a bit warier than people in other cities! I just moved here a year ago from Atlanta. There is such a cultural difference, where in Atlanta you would wave to drivers that would let you over, smile at people you pass at the mall, things like that that were completely normal and sort of rude if you did not do them. Those things are not done here and I’ve had such a hard time with that! Some days I wonder why people are kind of rude to me…then I just have to remember it’s the culture and not about me. They don’t think it’s rude at all. I also have a hard time trying to figure out my husband’s family, as they have that strong Scandinavian-Minnesota culture that I really don’t understand very much.
Jen, I think you brought up a great point about how our fears prevent us from doing random acts of kindness. There are many times that I would like to help someone out, but I don’t because I think it would make them feel strange. But I have also been on the flip side of the coin as well. One time in an apartment building that I used to live in, I was struggling to carry groceries up two flights of stairs (no elevator) to my door. A nice man offered to help me, but it left me feeling afraid, wondering if he was just trying to figure out which apartment was mine or something. When it is so infrequent for people to reach out and do something really kind, it is only human nature to wonder why they are doing it. I think it would take a major societal shift over many years of people trying to do nice things for others more frequently, for the culture to change for this to be seen as the norm and to alleviate people’s fears of this. And in today’s society where people are becoming more closed off, talking in chat rooms online instead of chatting with their neighbors (and I am guilty of this one!!), I’m not sure if that will happen anytime soon.
Oh my gosh, yes! I thought it was the only non native Minnesotan that felt this way. Back home, we always give a smile and make eye contact with people walking by in the hallway so its hard to get used to just ignoring a person as you walk by. I always wave to neighbors as I drive by in the alley, and I swear they think I am some big weirdo. And I was always brought up to give a wave to a person who lets you into their lane. Its not that MNers aren’t nice, they are very nice and caring people and I love getting to know them - they just seem to have this wall up of “Don’t mess with me if I don’t know you” at times. I wonder if it is a Scandanavian/Nordic thing as it does seem to be cultural. One of the reasons I’ve loved becoming a mom is that now strangers chit chat with me much more now as they comment on my little one and I just love getting to know different people and making this big town feel like a small town. Its much easier to be rude and inconsiderate to others when you have blinders on.
I find it very interesting the comments from people who are non natives to Minnesota and how it was an adjustment to get used to how people don’t smile at you in passing, chit chat in lines or wave when someone lets you in on the road. I am a native Minnesotan and I too find that people do this. I always try to smile at everyone and be polite and friendly. I never realized so many people in Minnesota were like that, not making eye contact, etc. until I visited other cities in other states and saw how much more friendly people were there. It’s very interesting and I am curious as to why it is the way it is in Minnesota. Just wanted all you non natives to know that there are natives who feel the same way as you do!
Hm. I am a native of NYC so I think MN people are relatively friendly. I’d probably drop dead from shock if I spent time in the south. I love when people are friendly and say hello or offer to assist w/ stroller/packages/etc. I do the same. When I go back east to see friends they chide me for being open and friendly and tease me about becoming a heartland gal. Oh well. It sounds like the author took a calculated [low] risk. Ideal would be for helper to handle pictures and not baby, but I can see how pushing the stroller w/ mom right there in a public place would seem just fine - go with your gut!
I think if you felt comfortable with the womans help then that is fine. Now this whole thing on background checks in schools for parent vollenteers is the real issue. I would do it if that was the only way to be able to go to the school and check on my kids but I would give them a piece of my mind before hand.
Sarah
I think the woman who volunteered the helping, was probably in the same situation herself (needing help with young children in tow) and someone helped her and she was just passing on the good deed.
Also, when you have more children than hands, you are more willing to accept help. Because sometimes you need that third or fourth hand.
Re: Minnesota nice (or not)– Perhaps part of the lack of warmth towards strangers comes from our ancestors? A large segment of the population has German ancestry, and German people do not make a lot of eye contact, exchange pleasantries (beyond the formal) or make idle chit chat. However, once you are friends, they would go to great lengths to help you out. A lot of people think the Germans are rude, but it is just a cultural difference.
That being said, in the small MN town I grew up in, people wave, smile and are helpful a lot of the time.
I have twice been offered help in the grocery store while I was trying to balance a screaming child and an overflowing cart. Both times it was from women who where a bit older than I and both said “I’ve been there when my kids where small, let me help” At first it felt odd, but then I realized that any mother who has been in that position before and wished she had an extra set of arms should just be grateful for the kindness of another mother who has been there
