Our Zoe’s been a challenge recently in the morning. Won’t get dressed, won’t eat breakfast…instead, she drapes herself lazily on the couch or asks to watch tv…all while we’re trying to get her out the door to preschool. So when Tina Feigal, a Twin Cities parenting coach, offered to guest-blog on a topic - any topic -  I asked for tips to deal with little dawdlers.

Among the parents I coach, I find that that one near-universal issue arises at some point in the coaching process: How do we take the pain out of the morning routine? Here are some real solutions to this often-frustrating everyday issue.

Set up a family meeting. Using the same approach that you would with a respected adult, ask your child if she will be available at 6 p.m. on Tuesday to discuss an important issue. Hold a family meeting to share your concerns in a non-judgmental way. This gives the child a sense of being respected and also infuses a feeling of importance into a troubling issue. I recommend this approach for any topic that needs discussion in your family life.

Use the family meeting to lay out the issue of morning squabbles as objectively as you can. You might say something like, “I have noticed that we are having trouble getting going without an argument every morning. I know that when this happens, I get upset, and I imagine that you do, too. I would like to see us have a peaceful morning instead. 

Use Present Moment Parenting, featuring The Nurtured Heart Approach for morning experience management. Say, “We need rules.  What should the rules be, Kids?”  Children know what the rules are, and the ones they offer will typically be more stringent than yours. Use the child’s rules religiously whenever practical, as this creates buy-in, which strengthens the likelihood that the rules will be followed.

If a rule is broken, there is an immediate, non-negotiable break. A gentle, unemotional “Broke a rule. Take a break,” is all that is needed. The break should take place in pre-designated break spots around the house (in the room with you, not in another place) and should last 30 seconds. No energy (no talking, no negotiating, no engagement of any sort) should be directed to the child. The break starts when the child is calm.  He can make it start, and make it end! He can exert appropriate power!

For steps that are completed with cooperation, use heartfelt appreciation to show that you are noticing and valuing the child’s actions. You might say, “I see that you have your teeth brushed and are headed to get dressed. Thank you so much for following our plan, Kayla. Every time you do this stuff, I feel like you are making this house such a wonderful place to live!” Using the formula “When you … I feel … because …” for this feedback makes remembering what to say much easier.

Set a definite schedule. Do not consider this optional. It is very good modeling for your children. They need to know that there’s enough time to get out the door without being hurried.  Add 15 minutes to your routine, so you won’t have to rush.  Remember: child speed is much slower than adult speed. 
Include any special rituals in the morning routine that the children deem important, and that are acceptable to you, such as: wash your face, get dressed, find the backpack, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, grab your jacket, and go out the door. Rituals provide a sense of continuity and comfort, which is vitally important to raising healthy kids.

You’ll want to rehearse morning on Saturday afternoon, when you are all home.  Everyone gets into bed, has the alarm go off, goes to the bathroom, gets dressed, eats breakfast, finds his backpack, grabs his jacket, and goes out the door. This builds a definite map in the child’s brain for what morning is supposed to look like, which gives the child a huge head start on complying when it’s the real thing.  Be sure to give heartfelt appreciation for the cooperation during the practice. 
Here’s to a much more peaceful morning for everyone! 

Tina Feigal is a former school psychologist and parent coach.  She offers coaching over the phone to parents all over the U.S. and Canada.  Visit www.nurturedheart.com for more information. 

Cribsheeters, what do you think?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 at 9:25 am and is filed under Family Life, Guest Bloggers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.