Bullying
Posted on March 28th, 2008 – 9:53 AMBy May Chen
Cribsheet regular Tobi sent me this link from the New York Times this week, about Billy Wolfe, a high-school sophomore who all his life has been picked on…..and much worse. This month, his parents sued some of the bullies and is considering suing the school district. (My husband’s initial reaction: “Oh boy, if he had trouble with bullying before…..”)
Here’s Tobi’s e-mail with questions for Cribsheeters:
What can parents of young children do to keep their kids from becoming perpetrators or victims? What have other cribsheet parents noticed about the social food chain, especially when it seems to begin younger and younger? What words do you use when they are so young? I want my kids to be kind to others, I also want them to stand up for themselves. I want them to march to their own drummers, but I don’t want them to be social outcasts. This topic freaks me out.
2 Responses to "Bullying"
I read Billy Wolfe’s account a few days ago, too. And I was heartbroken for him. I don’t have any answers. I had a visceral reaction - I felt that I might not be able to stand it if he were my son - I don’t know how his parents continue sending him to the same school with the same results… I think that would kill me.
My eldest is a month shy of ten - a 4th grader. I’ve got two more coming up through the ranks, one of whom is now in school and one who’s just a tot. I don’t fret daily about bullying, but I try to tune my radar such that it picks up subtle warning signs.
I am just operating on mother’s intuition - I ask open-ended questions a LOT - basics: “So what’d you do at recess today?” “What’s the craziest thing someone did in the lunchroom this week?” Etc. Interestingly red flags have popped every now and then - the pattern of a certain child who is “always in trouble” or the small band of kids who jeer and taunt a certain boy or girl. Over the years I’ve gotten to know the names of likely bullies and likely “bullieds” (my kids so far are in neither camp.)
When my son brings home tales of the schoolyard, we talk thru how he would respond if he were picked on. And, perhaps more importantly, what he might choose to do to assist someone being teased/bullied. Apparently he has at least once shouted “cut it out” to a jerk. Sorry to call a little kid a jerk (what does that make me??) but my maternal heart rages when I hear of a certain child who is downright evil to a classmate. My kids and I talk through - hmmm… I wonder what it will be like in high school for X if he keeps being so mean. I wonder what’s going on in his life that makes it hard for him to be nice… etc.
Mainly, what I’m trying to say, is we talk a LOT and I listen a LOT without rushing to exclaim, “oh how awful!” or “you must tell the teacher!” or “I’m calling his mother!!!” or any other dramatic statements that are famous for shutting kids down.
I hope others respond - people who have perspective from either camp and people who have older kids and have wisdom to share.
I think Claudia has it right on, Sister! I really like that approach. She is doing a great job modeling respectful, yet involved social behavior. Plus being in the know is always good, I think. The nanny I share with my sister is a deeply lovely person and we’ve discussed bullying.
She was bullied in school and when she hears me go on and on about school choice for kindergarten, and all the myriad of factors I think about, she says all she wants for our 3 girls is that they go to school with the sense of self-love (and being loved and loveable) and confidence that can get them through whatever they face. She thinks she didn’t have enough of that.
However, she turned out to be a delightful, thoughtful person with a very good life…so despite the bullying she found a way to grow well, and into happiness.
