Looking for Adoption Advice
Posted on July 23rd, 2008 – 10:49 AMBy May Chen
From Cribsheet’s inbox….
Hi Kay and May,
I love the blog - thanks for all the great postings! I’ve got kind of a heavy question for the Cribsheet Crowd…
My husband and I went through two years of infertility treatment and finally had a beautiful little boy, who is now 3 years old. We’ve been trying for 18 months to have a second child with no luck, and the emotional stress is really getting to us.
We really want more children, though, so we’ve been talking about adoption. I’ve seen some adoptions that turned out beautifully, but I’ve also seen some adoption “horror stories” from families who have had trouble adjusting. I feel deep compassion for the kids out there who need homes, but I really want to make sure it’s the right choice for my family.
Do any Cribsheeters have advice or adoption stories? I’m especially interested in how to best bond biological children with adopted children, and whether people chose domestic or international adoption and why. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
- Jen from St. Paul
6 Responses to "Looking for Adoption Advice"
I could go on about this topic forever, but I’ll try to keep my comments brief and helpful. (OK, I’ve now read back through my comments — NOT BRIEF!!! SORRY!)
We adopted our daughter internationally when she was nearly 3 months old and our bio son was nearly 3 years. NO bonding problems for the siblings in our case. They adored each other from the first moment. Although there are occasional spats of sibling rivalry, they are very dedicated to each other. (Son is now 5 1/2 and daughter nearly 3.)
My son (by nature? because he is first born? because of my mothering style? becuase his sister was adopted?) is VERY possessive of me and my time, and this is exacerbated when he notices us talking with others about his sister’s adoption. But as far as the bio-adopted siblings go, that is the only notable issue.
The adoption process itself went very smoothly. We used Children’s Home Society in St Paul. They were professional and up-front about what to expect (including the fact that there’s a lot you can’t be prepared for). We thought their pre-adoption info sessions and classes were fantastic, and I HIGHLY recommend them for everyone considering adopting. Frankly, I think it would be great if every prospective parent had to go through one of their two-day sessions, pre-adoption or pre-birth.
But this is not to say that our adoption experience has been perfect. We had many reasons for adopting child #2, one of them being that I was older and wanted to avoid those attendant risks. HA! I’ve come to appreciate that there are risks EVERY time you bring a child into your family, no matter the method.
In our case, our daughter had significant brain damage, probably while in utero, that has led to significant developmental delays, vision impairment and other issues. Likely not detectable before we adopted her, although I still have some questions about the accuracy of the medical information we received about her at referral. (I definitely advise using the U of M’s International Adoption Clinic to review a child’s medical information before you accept a referral - but the info you actually get at referral is pretty limited.)
There was always something a bit “off” about our daughter after we brought her home, but we attributed it to the trauma of being separated from birth mother and transported to a competely different living situation at such a young age. (Don’t let anyone try to convince you that there are no attachment issues with young infants — they may be different, but they exist.) But soon we realized that the delays she was experiencing were not fully explainable by the adoption experience. Now, two years after we first sought medical help and early intervention for her, she still has significant delays, and has spent more time with doctors and therapists than we thought possible, but she is a happy, active and beautiful child. Maybe she’ll be cognitively impaired, maybe she’ll be a self-supporting adult, maybe she’ll have trouble all her life, maybe she’ll get a PhD or win an Olympic medal. I have no idea what is in store for her — but I also have no idea what is in store for my biological son.
As far as bonding goes, I don’t know if it is due to our daughter’s health and developmental issues, or to the adoption, or who knows what, but parenting this child is quite different from parenting our son. I didn’t bond with our daughter for quite a while, and even today that bond is different than the one I have with my son. (Because he’s first born? Because I birthed him? Because his temperament is so much like mine? Who knows?) I always felt committed to and responsible for my daughter, but it took a while before I felt true love for her.
All that said, I DO love my daughter, and she is REMARKABLE. She has amazing talents that have NEVER appeared anywhere in my ancestry or my husband’s, and for that we will have a much richer family life.
As much as I tried to “engineer” a family without risks, adoption has taught me that is not possible. There are risks with having bio children (through fertility help or “unassisted”), with having adopted children and with having NO more children. I have friends with bio children who have significant health and behavioral issues, friends with “perfect” adopted children, friends who wake up every day regretting that they never had another child.
I would never discourage anyone from adopting a child, just like I’d never discourage anyone from having a bio child. Our daughter is a JOY (an exhausting joy, but a joy just the same). But you need to do your research, decide what risks you are/not willing to assume, be assertive, and commit to bringing someone into your family who will expose you to worlds you would never have imagined.
Sorry again for the length of this “comment”. It’s obviously a topic near and dear to me.
Best of luck!
We are just starting the adoption process with the same agency as the previous post (we have an almost 3-year old bio daughter). And two books that are repetitiously recommended in the two-day pre-adoption classes are “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Grey and “Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft” by Mary Hopkins-Best. I’ve started reading Toddler Adoption, and it’s pretty informative as to what to expect. A lot of it deals with international adoption, but can apply to domestic. Of course no one ever knows how our children will turn out, biological or adopted. We can only do our best, and hope and pray that adoption and attachment will go smoothly for all.
Thanks for bringing the adoption card into Cribsheet. We appreciate it!
My sister and I are a pretty fun case study of this, she is adopted and I’m not and we are 9 months and 1 day apart! The main thing I can remember about our growing up, when it comes to adoption, was that we always had open communication about it from the very begining. We always knew the special story of how she was adopted and when she became part of our family. It was sort of two stories, one with how I came into the family and the other how she did. Not better or worse, just different ways to end up together. I think this approach was great and we always had a respect for each others situation.
Also, there is a wonderful children’s book called “chosen baby” about adoption, I can only find it on ebay now, but it’s great.
Like Barb, I can speak from the child’s perspective. I second her comments. My parents were always open and honest with me about my adoption. Even as a very young child they explained it outright. That was the most helpful. I think it created trust, and I grew up thinking that my parents CHOSE me. While that is true of biological children, too, I felt extra special knowing all the work they had to go through to get me. I felt hand-selected. I also cherish my adoption story. Document that story!
Congratulations on your decision, and thank you for parenting a child that really needs a family.
I am my parent’s only biological child. My 2 brothers & sister were all adopted through CHS domestic adoption program. Growing up, I never felt differently about my siblings. The fact that we weren’t genetically related was never a thought for any of us. Now that we are adults, my parents have shared with us that before they adopted, they had feared they could never love adopted children as much as they loved me. However, once the other babies joined our family, they realized that nothing could be farther from the truth. It is true that adopted children may have issues with abandonment as they grow, we all know that biological children can have issues as well! I’m sure that you have learned through your struggle with infertility (as I have) that when it comes to building a family, very little is within our control! In my opinion the benefit that adoption has over fertility treatment, is that in the end, after all of the stress, worry, and financial expense…you will have a baby to love! Best of luck on your journey. I hope that you provide us all with an update!
We adopted two children through Lutheran Social Services. Ashley is now 9, and we held her at Regions hospital minutes after she was born. I will never forget that moment. Tyler arrived a couple years later after spending his first six weeks in foster care. I can’t imagine life without them, nor can I imagine loving a child any more than I love these two.
I say we … and I’m just the godparent!
My other friends adopted a little boy from LA and had a comletely different experience. After years and years and tens of thousands of dollars and many tears trying to adopt from overseas, they were asked to adopt their baby through a friend of a friend of a friend etc. Now they are ready for child #2 and are awaiting word from Nepal. Again, much anticipation and way, way more joy.
