How Much Bad News?
Posted on December 9th, 2008 – 10:47 AMBy May Chen
Cribsheet regular Tobi wonders how much to tell her preschooler….
Our car got broken into last night (nothing stolen).
E. was already sort of fixated on people stealing (why, how, why why why) but now he’s also super anxious. So I thought this blog in the Times was timely — what IS the right level of “reality” exposure for little kids? How do we explain why bad things happen?
When (and how) do I start talking to my kids about slavery, the Holocaust, 9/11, war? We never have the TV news on in our house, but I know E. is hearing little snippets from school and NPR. How to protect him, on the one hand, but also create a compassionate (and not-too-sheltered) kid on the other hand? Why aren’t there mathematical formulas for these parenting things?!?!?!?!?!?
6 Responses to "How Much Bad News?"
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Tobi,
I’m glad you posed this question because I’ve been wondering about exactly the same thing (and I also saw the NYT piece).
I’d be interested in hearing from some parents w/older kids on this one. My oldest is 5, also going through what seems to me an anxious stage, and all I know is that she is too young for the heavy stuff. I’ve tried not to outright lie to her (yes, kids die, no, police don’t shoot kids and babies!?) but I definitely try to get to the next topic quickly.
I actually drove her by a jail hoping it would make all her jail questions concrete. They do seem to have subsided only to be replaced by questions about being under the ground ala death (’do you ever come back as a mattress?’–had to give her creativity pts. for that–I’ve never introduced the concept of reincarnation to her, she came up w/it on her own abt. yr ago which made me revisit the validity of it if kids are coming into the world w/a concept of it…)
But I digress. I feel privileged to feel I’m in the position to shield her from these things though I know it won’t be for long.
I almost spit my cereal out when Warner said her daughter wanted to read a book written in the point of view of a Hitler Youth!
I think you need to answer the questions honestly, as they come, and in an age appropriate manner. They don’t need to know everything and in great detail. I say deal with them as they arise.
Sherry -
My son is also asking a lot about jail: what’s in there, what do you do there, do you ever get out, where do you sleep/eat/poop . . .
And also death: who closes the coffin (does the dead person close it themselves after they get in?), is it like before you were born . . .
I guess all kids ask about these things (some more than others) - I just don’t remember asking about this stuff. However, I do remember THINKING about jail and death and bad stuff, but when I was older — maybe 11 or so — not when I was 5 or 6!
I try to be honest, although I do oversimplify my answers. And I try to be matter-of-fact (”Do kids ever die?” “Yes, but hardly ever, and if you take good care of your body and make good choices you will live for a very very long time”). Part of me is proud of all his excellent and sensitive questions. Part of me just wants all the hard things in life to just go away!
Zoe - out of the blue- asked about reincarnation. She wanted to know if she would come back as an animal. Since I am Buddhist only in the most marginal sense, I said, uhm, that’s what some people think. She said: “I want to come back as Zoe.” And that was the end of that.
Sherry, I loved your description of Zoe wondering if she could come back as a mattress. Kids say the darndest things… I kind of get a kick out of when my 4 year old asks this kind of question because I can actually *feel* myself being a parent. And it’s hilarious some of the things I hear myself saying.
Last week Caroline and I were driving in the car and she asked what happens if your heart stops. (Where did THAT come from?) So I said, then you go to the doctor to restart it. C: Can you not have a heart? Me: No. C: What if your heart doesn’t work. Me: Not much!
I enjoyed my quick evasiveness under fire, and then my adult-oriented, just-for-me, humor.
I do care a lot about what thoughts go into her brain on these subjects, but when I don’t want to go there yet, it’s weirdly fun to figure out how to answer but avoid the pain and fear for her.
I’m also enjoying my recent answers to her questions i could either answer spiritually or *scientifically*. Like Is the Ocean magic? (No, but it’s nature, and sometimes nature is more amazing than magic.) And, Where are you before you are in your mommy’s tummy? (A real stumper.I said something like: you are in your mommy and daddy’s bodies, and then *poof*! you start growing.) I seem to have decided for now on a Nature as Deity approach. Where did that come from? I guess I’m fairly confused about my own beliefs. Will she see my confusion?
But as far as the bad stuff goes…I feel the best when I’m as factual as possible…I feel like it takes some of the *freakishness* off of things if it’s just a plain, honest, factual answer. And then I feel clean afterwards. Of course sometimes I like, too. 
Caroline has sung songs about murder after watching one of *daddy’s shows* with him once. Isn’t that great?
