Last year, when I was new to gardening, anything that sprouted in the soil knocked my socks off. I through caution (and seeds) to the wind, then waited impatiently for my very first seedlings.

Without experience, without expectations, each new sprig of green was cause for giddy delight and little victory dances around the back yard. Who knew I’d be singing (or rather, butchering) James Brown in celebration of spinach at seven in the morning? Certainly not my neighbors.

This year, I still cheer for my green friends, but just as often, I scratch my head and wonder about the no-shows to my garden party. It’s not just the cool kids who be dissin’ my hospitality, some of the nerdier veggies don’t even R.S.V.P. (I know peppers and herbs can be kinda picky, but beets? C’mon, who can’t grow beets?)

Stranger still, most of my no-shows were planted, and in some cases replanted, in the same bed. After two months of disappointing attendance, I now call this part of the garden the “Bummer Bed” (even though MIDDLE-FINGER-TO-YOU-GREENGIRL BED seems more appropriate).

Though the Bummer Bed gets the most sunlight, it gives me nothing.

Troubled (and testy) Thai basil: Four weeks ago, this half of the bed was green with spinach. Then it angrily bolted during our unseasonably hot and humid Memorial Day weekend. I couldn’t even salvage a decent spinach salad so I composted the wasted greens, planted my pepper plants, then seeded some parsley, cilantro and Thai basil in between. After three weeks of watering and waiting, this one little sprout is the only Thai basil sprout. At this rate, I’ll be eating take-out pad thai and spring rolls all summer.

The super picky peppers: To be honest, none of the peppers I started from seed this year are doing very well. I planted them with matches. I fed them fish meal. I gave them pepper pep talks, yet they are no taller than the day I planted them. Well, except for this picky pepper who seems to get shorter and shorter with each attempt at photosynthesis. Is there anyway I can transform my party-pooper peppers into perky, productive producers?

Coming Thursday… What’s not growing in the garden? (part 2): Beets the heck outta me

A very hungry caterpillar lives in my parsley pot. Stems bow under his enormous girth as he nibbles buds and leaves. Almost three inches of polka dots and stripes, my chubby friend has obviously indulged himself all summer long.

Unfortunately, he excretes and much as he eats. In my last salad, I nearly had a mouthful of dark green pencil erasers.

(Could this be the caterpillar reincarnation of CUKE-ZILLA out for culinary revenge? BWAHAHA! YOU COMPOST ME. I COMPOST YOUR PARSLEY!)

When I tried to relocate this mulit-legged squatter, two safety-orange, muscus horns shot out of his forehead. My hand recoiled in surprise. My nostrils flared. Suddenly, I reeked like rotten apples.

You better be one beautiful butterfly, buddy.

Can anyone identify my parsley pal? Despite my guest’s questionable manners, I’d like to find a safe place for his chrysalis.