Verboten
August 25th, 2008 – 2:39 PM by James LileksToday the security check-in tent has expanded to Ringling dimensions. Same rules: remove everything metallic and electrical. You cannot even think of the concept of steel or even the lesser, more malleable metals, or you will set off the detectors; they’re calibrated to beep if you’ve listened to Iron Maiden in the last 24 hours. All electronic devices must be turned on - but of course by the time you get to your place before the Inquisitors, everything has shut itself off.  You hold up the line as you struggle with your STUPID CAMERA, which has a balky button; it will turn on only when pressed for a second, but if you press it too long it turns itself off immediately. Behind you, professional camerapersons fume: rube. I made it through without alarms - or so I thought.”Got another Apple,” said the screener. I actually wondered if they were talking about the make of computer, and were all Mac fans themselves, but no. The secondary screener team plowed through my bags and came up with . . . an apple.  “Can’t bring these in,” said Officer Apple-taker. I asked why, instantly regretting it: Don’t cause a scene, idiot, just move along and accept the loss of an apple as one of those things that happens, unless you really want to wear the plastic bracelets and she said “it could be thrown.”Yes, it could be thrown; it could also be eaten. That was the plan, long ago.”I had to take a peach and a pear too,” she added. Somehow that made it better. A simple, soft, gentle peach was now considered a weapon? Arrr. No roughage, no peace! No roughage, no peace!Once inside I made my way to StarTribune HQ Central; passed Talk Radio Row, where dozens of talk show hosts in the country are seated, in hell. Talk radio is usually performed from a nice comfy booth where everyone takes pains not to make noise; here you’re talking in a hallway with people milling around laughing and talking. Blogger row is different, I imagine - and now I’m off to find it.  Â
9 Responses to "Verboten"
Can you smuggle tomatoes in?
Does this mean that you have to fast while you are in the Pepsi Center? Or is this one of those TSA like things where you can’t bring it with you but you are free to buy it once you are through security?
You could throw the camera too.
COD beat me to it… The point being: there are lots of things that can be thrown. I was going to mention shoes as an example, but I think the camera is more likely, considering the annoying power button on it. But this has me wonder, do they have a list of things that people might throw and are therefore banned? And if so, is the list published anywhere? I mean, that would be a heckuva list… Just off the top of my head, I can think of a lot of things that can be thrown: baseballs, darts, shoes, bottles, cans, crumpled-up-paper, small people, tantrums, cell phones, small pieces of plumbing, doorknobs, coffee mugs, those little plastic dealies that hold things together, metal versions of the aforementioned plastic dealies, paperweights, pens, pencils, convex blind-spot mirrors… I could go on, and on, and on… And if they have an inclusive list that defines all of those things, it must be a very long list (and probably difficult to memorize). And if that list is published somewhere, it wouldn’t be very hard to find something that isn’t on the list and still can be thrown. Not really sure what my point is anymore… I guess my point is this: just be glad they ONLY took your apple. The could’ve taken the whole bag, considering it and all its contents could be thrown.
I doubt you’ll have to fast, as long as you want to buy an overpriced hot dog that’s been boiling since the Clinton administration.
[…] And according to James Lileks, the security screeners are confiscating fruit: […]
For some reason, in our culture getting hit by fruit on stage has a certain sort of humiliating finality to it. Not unlike getting pushed into a pool and being told, “You’re all wet.” I imagine even if you threw a camera on stage, in the off chance someone important actually was hit by it, it still wouldn’t draw the attention of getting hit by moist, sticky fruit. Besides that, cameras are too expensive to throw.
But they’re supplying you with meatballs?
And ceramic cookies?