As you might be aware, we’ve embarked on a letter-writing campaign, along with a friend, to spread some joy to companies whose products we both admire. We’ve already run a couple of ours; now it’s time to get our counterpart, whom we shall call LQ, into the mix. He wrote a letter to Cap’n Crunch that’s 10 times funnier than anything we’ve written and probably less scary than yesterday’s “Carlsbad” reference. It has been cleaned up to exclude any swears or nefarious acts, but its original premise and hilarity are still intact. Here are his delicious words as well as a rather terrific response from the breakfast folks:

Dear Cap’n Crunch,

Congratulations on creating the best cereal in the history of the world. I eat a heaping mixing bowl full of Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries every morning and every time I come home from the bar (but then I upgrade to the giant popcorn bowl full of delicious Cap’n goodness). I wouldn’t dream of switching to another cereal because it is the greatest concoction ever. Bagels and muffins are for losers and slappies.

I guess my love started when I was a little kid in the 1980s and I saw the commercials while I was watching cartoons. It was really the only reason I was excited to grocery shop with my parents. I would race in the door and immediately house a bowl of it. Most kids are grounded from playing with their friends when they’re bad, but since I really never had any friends, my parents would take away my favorite cereal. I used to get so mad when I’d have to choke down gross stuff like Grape Nuts, not to mention that Grape Nuts is the dumbest name ever for a cereal (beside the point, I know).

I will admit, after years of my love and faithfulness to the brand, a good portion of the roof of my mouth is likely gone. It tears it up because I eat the cereal with such emotion and raw aggression. Some people leisurely eat breakfast; I attack it like Jean LaFoote himself is trying to steal my bowl. I know he’s not a real pirate and poses no actual threat, but if some guy (a pirate or really any intruder) did break into my house and tried to steal my cereal, I would unleash a fury on him that would make him wish he stole my wussy idiot neighbor Ronald’s cereal.

Thank you for making such ridiculously delicious cereal. I LOVE IT. I’m a huge fan. Crunchberries are the only vegetable I eat. And if I had a penny for every scrumptuous golden treasure chest I have enjoyed in my life, I’d have somewhere in the neighborhood of $6.23 million dollars (I don’t, but I do have a couple thou in savings that I’m going to use to go to Mexico or Ireland or somewhere warm).

THANKS!

And the response:

Ahoy Shipmate!

The Cap’n will be pleased to know you feel his cereal is the best cereal in the history of the world!! We have ways of measuring success, but none of them are as satisfying as hearing directly from you. We appreciate your business, (name redacted), and thank you for taking the time to contact us.
Fair Winds and Safe Voyages,
Geri
Chief Yeoman, S.S. Guppy

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 9:00 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.