It’s high time we took the Randball religion offline. You know what I’m talking about. We readers love the blog, and enthusiastically comment once our bosses aren’t looking and can sneak a word in edgewise, but there comes a point when you need more. Randball feels your pain, so he and I convened at a top-secret underground lair* to create a solution to help shatter this cyber-wall separating us.

The answer: Randballympics.

The Randballympics will be hosted by this site’s proprietor, created to bring together the Randball nation. It’s a one-day event full of pseudo-sports activities, scoring specifics to be determined later, drinking required, pants optional, participants to compete in teams of two, prizing yet to be solidified. But enough with logistics. Here’s the skinny:

EVENT 1: The competition shall begin at Grumpy’s. Teams will compete in a pool tournament (standard 8-ball rules), followed by darts. I shall control the jukebox. Seriously, do not touch that jukebox.

EVENT 2: Vespa race. To be ridden two-per-bike (I call Sooze!) to our nextlocation at …

EVENT 3: The Bulldog (NE) for a spirited game of shuffleboard. Screwdrivers required. Straws prohibited.

EVENT 4: Individual sprint to …

EVENT 5: Keegan’s, for a quick round of sports (and Saved by the Bell) trivia.

EVENT 6: Marathon run (okay, nine blocks) to …

EVENT 7: Elsie’s, for two bowling games. Please keep in mind you will be penalized for foot faults. Why? Because it’s against the rules. There are rules, after all; this isn’t ‘Nam.

EVENT 8: Piggyback ride races (I call Lizzy!) to.

EVENT 9: The 1029 Bar, where we shall engage in the evening’s final event, Bubble Hockey. At the conclusion of the hockey tournament, winners will be crowned and the awards ceremony will commence. The evening will end with a
drunken Rocket making love to a speaker while Randball tearfully sings “Simply the Best” on the karaoke mic. It will be glorious. It will be ridiculous. It will be the Randballympics.