He is a seeker of truth and a regular RandBall commenter. Brandon also writes his own stuff regularly at this spot right here. Now, he’s slummin’ with RandBall. His words:

Like most readers of this blog, my dream of being a professional athlete died long ago. I was strapped with the same childhood ideals as everyone else — I was going to play sports for a living, and I would dine on Fun Dip and Tahitian Treat for each meal — but my dominance faded as I matured, and before I knew it I was faced with the unthinkable reality that I wasn’t a superhuman. Life sucks goes on.

But even today, there’s nothing better than daydreaming about being a professional athlete (until you’re inevitably jolted back to reality and hate your mundane life that much more). Which leads me to this: if you could be a pro athlete, what profession would you choose? I’m looking for a sport and, if applicable, a position.

I’ll spare you my reasoning for discarding all the potential options in the world and instead focus on the two that made the cut: pro golfer and relief pitcher. Both contain the ability to excel without arduous physical activity; both require a strong mental capacity. Since I’m a neurotic laze, these seem to be the best fit.

As a pro golfer, you’re able to set your own schedule, travel as often as you want, and you can play forever. Hence, no early retirement followed by the inevitable poor financial decisions/ embarrassing local commercial endorsements. Bonus: you can also smoke cigarettes. You don’t have to, but you can. Such freedom is refreshing. On the downside, it’s not one of the three major sports (major con for a gloryhound like myself), there is no team atmosphere (awkward caddy high-fives aside) and no option to play defense. Some claim golf is barely even a sport. Frankly, I’m one of them.

As a relief pitcher, you’re well-paid and a part of America’s pastime. Your workload is hardly strenuous — you spend much of your time shagging flies and trading BS with your ‘penmates — but you have a huge impact on the game. You also have access to an infinite amount of free sunflower seeds. This is a huge pro in my book. As for the cons, you’d likely spend your career hoping for a chance to be a starter, you are one bad inning away from your ERA ballooning up, and there is a good chance you’ll have a crappy jersey number.

If I were forced to choose (who am I kidding, I’d be happy getting asked to choose), I’d take the relief pitcher. Give me a guaranteed contract, unlimited seeds and a spot on the team plane and I’m happier than Scott Stapp in a House of Mirrors.

What about you? What is your ideal sports profession?

This entry was posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.