Sorting out the Iowa madness, sports-style
Posted on January 3rd, 2008 – 11:45 AMBy Michael Rand
As some of you have no doubt noticed, the nation has turned its eyes toward Iowa, as it does once every four years (the rest of the time is spent averting our eyes from Iowa’s bulbous charm, but that’s neither here nor there). What is important is this: which presidential candidate is most athletic? Because seriously, this is something we want to know. Can our head of state take your head of state in a 100-meter dash? Check that, 100-yard dash. We play by American rules here. Keep your metric system away from our America. We’re going to keep this strictly athletic; originally, we thought about asking which candidate would dominate the RandBallympics, but we were worried that our current president might have had the best shot in such an event, thus tainting the sample. So let’s look at the candidates from a purely sporting standpoint:
Barack Obama: Not just a great orator and natural leader, but also a basketball star in his own right. He would dunk on Dennis Kucinich and D up Mitt Romney. A definite front-runner, even if if he is a White Sox fan.
John McCain: Earned two varsity letters in wrestling in high school and, let’s not forget, has the competitive intangibles that come from surviving more than 5 years in a POW camp. Given that he’s now 71, he might have lost a step. But let’s not forget that he was in Wedding Crashers, which is awesome even if the movie was mediocre. Bonus points.
Hillary Clinton: Apparently played tennis and “other sports” in early life and has a tenacious streak that we imagine would translate into a never-say-die attitude on, say, a football field or rugby pitch. If she put on 100 pounds, we’d play her at H-back tomorrow. That said, her favorite activity these days is apparently speedwalking, which is like running for pansies or walking for nervous people. Lame.
Rudy Giuliani: Gained prominence during the post-9/11 time for being all about the Yankees, though recently he has switched allegiances to the Red Sox. Well, there goes the entire upper East Coast vote. Dumb. He seems more suited to be a coach than a player. He could take a group of misfit soccer players that went 8-15 a year ago and transform them into a possession squad that went 17-8 and nearly upset their arch-rivals in the district playoffs.
John Edwards: He has relative youth on his side. He was a smalltown football star growing up and looks comfortable throwing and catching the ball in this uncomfortably awkward and staged game of catch on a tour break last summer. Along with Obama, Edwards is the least likely of the candidates to be picked last in any random pick-up game that you could organize with your friends right now.
Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, I Heart Huckabee, Kucinich, et. al: Let’s be realistic. It doesn’t really matter.
22 Responses to "Sorting out the Iowa madness, sports-style"
Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, I Heart Huckabee, Kucinich, et. al: Let’s be realistic. It doesn’t really matter.
The truth makes baby Hootie cry.
I bet Richardson is a top-notch Competitive Eater.
…
Rudy, would not be a good manager. He would be the equivalent to Doc Rivers. He would have the best talent in the world (like the 9-11 heros) and then try to take all the credit when they do their job (although, Doc Rivers hasn’t done this yet…thank god).
Plus, Rudy was a terrible football player. The movie was inaccurate.
He was a smalltown football star growing up and looks comfortable throwing and catching the ball in this uncomfortably awkward and staged game of catch on a tour break last summer.
The awkwardness is palpable. I can feel it coming through the monitor and making me more awkward as an individual. I don’t think I can vote for someone who did that to me.
RandBall: like running for pansies or walking for nervous people
Keep in mind that Iowa is an unusual sports state; girls played basketball six on six until 1994. Two dribbles max, three from each team on each half of the court, etc.
Off topic:
Apparently there is a 2007 version of Tecmo Super Bowl out there. Someone updated the rosters, ratings, schedules, etc. You need an NES emulator on your PC to play it, but I don’t know too many people who would pass up on it.
The link to the zip file is in the top post on this board:
http://www.knobbe.org/mx/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=10432
Just thought I’d share.
I’d like to interrupt the news South of us for a moment to point attention to breaking news to our to our East, Wisconsin, that is, where an interesting campaign has begun. I first noticed it in today’s Pioneer Press, and would have just breezed through the article except it this year’s new RandB mantra “positive” about a million times.
It seems that Tourism Secretary there, Kelli Trumble, is trying to come up with a new national brand for Wisconsin by using focus groups to market Wisconsin in varied ways across the country other than simply as the cheese state.
So, knowing how this blog had so quickly turned all gushy pink positive in the short time I was out West, I have only the greatest confidence in the spirit of our new found warm hearted positivity that we can offer beautiful examples of our neighborliness
I’ll get it started:
Wisconsin - Thompson’s Water Seal makes the cold weather and lack of culture bearable
Rand, when are the Ranball T-shirts coming out? My mom’s birthday is coming up.
[…] Here’s another interesting post I read today by Randball […]
Iowa, Shmiowa. The next President will be determined right here in Minnesota, unless we fail to stop dirty beatnik anarchists.
Dave, Dave..is that really positive now ? Must I repeat Wisconsin’s new positive marketing criteria again ?
Let’s instead of insults about “lack of culture” say …Wisconsin: where sport’s teams usually win.
Yet, you do bring up a point about the relatively bankruptcy of the concept of real positive interaction in sports or in sports commentary.
Meaning, you played some ball and even in high school, players about to collide are hardly talking politely about their bus rides to the game or if someone does manage to ask “How is your mother” it is quickly followed by “…pretty good last night”
So, in the sweat of combat, I personally do not believe in the niceties of the excessive positive and by your response, neither do you. I just threw out the Press article to smoke out the true disbelievers in the ways of Gandhi..and you were just the first to take the bait.. that’s cool with me
AZGG: I looked at designs about two weeks ago and narrowed it down to 3 different ones. The marketing folks are pricing out the choices, and as soon as I get the go ahead I’ll show RandBallers the three possibilities.
as soon as I get the go ahead I’ll show RandBallers the three possibilities.
Ah, the 2008 election that I’m really looking forward to…
Edwards played football at Clemson, albeit as a walk-on tackling dummy and only for one year, so he’s the frontrunner in my book.
That said, I bet if you drop Kucinich in a pickup game anywhere in North America, he’s going to run the point comfortably and get five or ten quiet steals. He’s lost a step on the fast break in the past few years, but he makes up for it with an almost otherworldly understanding of how the game works.
Randball gets some TBL love.
But all bets must surely be off since the George the Wise and Benevolent has twice been our nearly elected President brazenly stealing those elections without using any balls. Quite a trick. Sorry Iraq
Usually win? Try “Wisconsin, where our football team normally wins, and we spend the baseball and basketball seasons drinking Thompson’s Water Seal waiting to hear whether or not our beloved Quarterback is returning.”
And like it or not, it’s time to accept it, he’s been elected twice, not nearly elected. Saying he was nearly elected is like saying the Vikings were 2-3 plays away from being 10-6–they weren’t, so it’s irrelevant.
Kucinich played basketball and football in high school, despite being, um, vertically challenged.
Kucinich knows a thing or two about otherworldly.
Stu - thank God somebody got that joke.
Toonces…did the Supreme Court aka the Republican Judges like Clarence “don’t touch me there !” Thomas give King George, the Mindlessly Aggresive, the thrown ? yay or nay. That’s an open question quite closed even now in many minds
.. and as for comparing sports teams…pro and college..well there is no real bowl or otherwise comparison there at least in the last # of years leading many to wonder why Mn teams which share nearly the same high school livestock as Wisconsin (almost) always function at such a lesser level..I don’t know why this is. Do you ?
Why do I get the feeling that Huckabee plays squash?
