Which local sports figure would have the best roast?
Posted on January 23rd, 2008 – 11:09 AMBy Michael Rand
We’ll admit it: We’re fairly amused and captivated by what happened at the recent ESPN Mike & Mike Roast, which apparently has led to a one-week suspension for Dana Jacobson (we guess she had it coming, but we also know, in this business, that the truth cannot be controversial). In any event, we also simply love the idea of celebrity roasts in general (the master of the roast: Jeffrey Ross, pictured). It got us to thinking: If there could be a roast of one local sports figure in town, who would you like to see in the big chair, and what would be your best (appropriate for work) one-liner if you got a chance on stage. Remember: the best roasters toe the line without going over it. Except for Jeffrey Ross. He says whatever he wants.
21 Responses to "Which local sports figure would have the best roast?"
Ontario Smith
There is not an appropriate work allowed joke available.
How can McChump not be in the chair?!?!
Ross: What’s it like being GM?
McChump: It’s like having 2 [redacted] only if one of them can screw over the entire fanbase.
Ross: What’s it like being GM?
McHale: I’m not sure you’d have to ask my secretary.
I agree that McHale is the obvious selection. After that I would love to see these people.
Joe Mauer- Lots of ammo
Marko Jaric- His GF would have to show up wouldn’t she?
Troy Williamson
Joel Maturi
Tim Brewster-
Derrik Boogaard- He would beat the [redacted] out of anyone that said anything bad.
Patrick James Steven Reusse. Too many stories, plus the rebuttal at the end might be spectacular.
Sid
Sid and Reusse are too old to get roasted. They might have a heart attack or stroke and bite the big one when someone brings out a stripper claiming to be an illegitimate daughter.
I think we should roast Mr. Rand himself. We could probably come up with some one liners ourself couldn’t we? Also maybe getting roasted would get the ball moving on those Randball T-shirts we keep hearing about.
Randball: Almost a local sports figure
Sid and its not even close! Bob Knight would make Dana Jacobson look like a choir girl.
Jeffrey Ross’ line on Ditka was hillarious.
First off before I give up my local yokel to be skewered, when I read the quote about Dana Jacobson I wondered what was her failing. I didn’t get it…” ESPN anchor Dana Jacobson made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle…” I mean, she had way too much of her gums showing when she smiled but beyond that she’s my kind of bar fly. Mouthy and drunk.
Anyway, back to the pan fried locals. I didn’t want to piss off Ontario but he was already taken anyway. Damn. So, I’ll go with Bud Grant but only if he would walk through a metal detector to shake loose his array of guns he might use if he got annoyed. I’d like to know how he ran the show back in the Dark Ages, and maybe just for laughs like that Denver guy did, we can have Grant tear the head off a live duck. That’s always good for a laugh…
I was going to say Sid, but Matt’s correct, the Reusse Roast would be something to see.
Of the first 100 Kevin McHale roast jokes I thought of, 102 couldn’t be printed, and at least five would have got me kicked off of RandBall for good.
How about a Sean Salisbury roast, he spent way too much time in this town. You could probably roast him for 2 weeks with all the dumb [redacted] he has done.
I got another one. How could I have missed it. Rod Simons !!! This guy runs around like his hair is on fire, so (how dramatic would this be !) sometime in the roast someone actually lights his hair on fire ! What action, what television. It would make every crappy Entertainment Tonight spinoff across the land !!!
I think it would have to be T-Will, on his way out of town.
T-Will drops balls like Courtney Love drops acid. He’s had more balls bounce off his chest than Lindsay Lohan.
I think Tommy Kramer would be a good roast. You can’t tell me some of the stories from the 494 strip wouldn’t be hilarious. Plus it would bring a little more Keith Millard into our lives, and that’s good for all involved.
Bud Grant. Here’s how it could go -
ROSS: “So, we’re here to roast Bud Grant… after all, he’s roasted enough (redacted) living creatures in his day! But really Bud, we love ya, ya (redacted redacted redacted)… even if you (redacted) stuck a (redacted) knife in my (redacted) mother’s gut four (redacted) times!!”
“But really, that’s okay, I admire you, your players admire you - look, there’s Jim Marshall. I wanted to shake his hand but it’s still frostbitten, ya (redacted readacted)… hey Jim, we’ve all seen the film a million times, you running the wrong way…
(laughter)
CUT TO:
MARSHALL’S face…
ROSS: Think about it - you should be in the Hall Of Fame. But no, your (redacted) coach wouldn’t be bothered to point you in the right direction, the (redacted redacted).
(laughter)
CUT TO:
Grant’s face…
ROSS (looking at Grant): Look at him. He’s gonna (redacted) shoot me and and eat me.
(laughter)
CUT TO:
Grant’s face.
I think Grant and Ed Gein played on the same team, and their fight song was “Gimme some skin !!”
How are we forgetting Kent Hrbek?
He’d be awesome to roast.
Barreiro, simply for the rebuttal meltdown.
