RandBall Commenter Mock Draft
Posted on April 25th, 2008 – 3:49 PMBy Michael Rand
Many of you are likely aware that the annual selection process known as the NFL Draft is this weekend. With the Vikings having essentially made their big move — think of Jared Allen as a top-five pick who is a known commodity instead of a rookie set to grab an absurd bonus, who was acquired for a No. 1 (17th overall) and a couple of No. 3s and then decide if he was worth it. He was. — Saturday loses quite a bit of its local juice. That notion, plus the fact that we don’t really know heads or tails about who is going where, leads us to create a mock draft of a different sort for you. We’re going to “scout” some of our most frequent commenters; you, in the comments, are going to put together your preferred commenter draft order. Also, if you don’t see your name here but would like to write your own scouting report, go for it in the comments as well. Sounds like fun. Lobbying is encouraged.
Jama
Strengths: Motor that won’t quit, as evidenced by preponderance of comments, and just as strong during a.m. posts as p.m. posts. … Keen eye for breaking news. … 35-inch typing vertical.
Weaknesses: Character questions (i.e. Bears fan). … Sometimes veers off-topic. … Commitment to RandBall events is lacking.
Stu
Strengths: Willingness to go the extra mile (i.e. The Hunt Down) … keenly developed funny bone … refers to wife as The Comely Mrs. Stu.
Weaknesses: Talks about hockey only to taunt Marthaler … makes obscure Stearns County references.
Jon
Strengths: Weekend Links … knows a lot about sports few other people care about … quiet leadership.
Weaknesses: Was dominated as a high school football player … Carries hatred of border teams to an irrational level.
Dave MN
Strengths: Excellent reaction time, with comments typically 1.4 seconds after posts go up. … A workhorse who will get you the tough yardage.
Weaknesses: Can smother a post like a heavy blanket. … Sneaking suspicion he believes every word Tim Brewster says.
Roughkat
Strengths: Can run farther than all of us, combined. … Might have had the comment of the year on the Erin Andrews post. … Shows up at 11 of every 10 RandBall events.
Weaknesses: Disappears for days without writing or calling. … Can go right; can he go left? … Believes, deep down, that he could throw a football over those mountains.
AZGopherGirl
Strengths: A regular female commenter who hasn’t grown tired of this act. … Reads trashy magazines so we don’t have to. … Rapier wit to keep everyone off-balance.
Weaknesses: Didn’t attend Tone Loc’s party in Arizona. … Doesn’t have the decency to live somewhere that’s -20 in the winter.
Joker
Strengths: Takes relationships in exciting, bold directions that ensure breakup within 12 seconds. … A perfect situational pass-rusher.
Weaknesses: Will he ever find true love?
Rocket
Strengths: Wrote an entire [redacted] book about just exactly what the Vikings have done to him. … Spends inordinate amounts of time on COW posts. … A starting tight end in a good West Coast offense.
Weaknesses: Uncommon love of haikus and Dancing with the Stars. … Inconsistent performer who disappears for weeks at a time. … Has he lost a step at defensive end?
Clarence Swamptown
Strengths: Quality over quantity. … A thinking man’s commenter.
Weaknesses: Needs to establish more consistency. … Is he just a good “measurables” guy, or can he play on the field, too?
SuperRookie
Strengths: The King of All Media. … One of the RandBall originals. … Good for the environment.
Weaknesses: Tries to sneak cycling news into the rotation. … Plagued by sporadic contributions lately.
Surely, we’re forgetting folks. Fasolamatt (how could we forget?), Brandon, Sassbottom, The Hootie, Toonces51, Victor Lebanon, P3 (where did he go now?), swarmswarmswarm, Ramon, LatteWarrior and anyone else who is at least a semi-regular and would like to write their own scouting report, please do so. We basically just went back and looked at the comments from recent days. Once we got to 10, and realized it long it was taking, it was pretty much over. This wasn’t a scientific process by any means.
26 Responses to "RandBall Commenter Mock Draft"
That’s a solid top 10. Stu and Roughkat get top billing from me because they commented on my Opening Day musings (I’m petty like that). Hard to really rank the rest, but if I must:
Stu
Roughkat
jama
Dave
Clarence
Joker
AZGopherGirl
SuperRookie
Jon
Rocket
Stu
Marthaler
Roughkat
Trade the rest of the picks for Paul Paulos!
If I don’t go where I want, I will demand way to much money or a trade to a team I want to go to. Think of me as a mix between Bryant McKinnie, Eli Manning, and John Elway.
If the Bears take another [redacted] Running Back in the 1st Round, there is a chance of me jumping ship. I’m thinking maybe the Lions or Packers.
I just read that Erin Andrews part II comments (sometimes I skip the comments when an article is front paged–call it “accessvikings syndrome.”
Roughkat is commenter of the year, and Dave MN is getting hella points for the Apple River simile.
yargh! forget fasolamatt! I’ll shoehorn him into the “others.” You just watch.
I’m going to pull a Ditka and trade all of my picks to move up and pick Stu. If I can - I know most of the other teams covet him, as well. Tremendous upside potential, that one.
I’m the SOD, baby.
Clarence Swamptown has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept him, well, I guess that’s more than most 21-year-olds can handle.
Re: “Needs to establish more consistency…”
I don’t think it’s fair that you let my wife write my scouting report.
I’m just glad I made the top ten based on the fact that I meet retarded women…not sports knowledge. Way to kick a man on his 27th Birthday. I’ll be at the bar with Jared Allen celebrating my birthday and teaching him how to dial a phone to call a cab…and going shot for shot. Word on the street is that he took a step back after claiming his sobriety. Anyone who would like to join call call Rand for my #. The more (phone calls bugging rand) the merrier!
As for being “forgotten”, I’m sure it’s because I gave a link to “Roadguy” this week.
I just read that Erin Andrews part II comments (sometimes I skip the comments when an article is front paged doesn’t mention me, the Super Rookie)
Fixed, you media whore.
Also forgotten, but not gone: Local Quipster, Stensation.
As for my board:
The consensus number #1 pick has proven that he can play on Sundays with his hand in the grass, has long length, pitches instead of throws, and never gets an instigator penalty. With the first pick in the RandBall Commenter Draft, I—-
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I don’t regret trading all of my picks for Stu.
It’s a weak draft, yet I’m still going to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers as a long snapper. Or a Red Snapper, depending on the salmon fishing this year.
The Cowboys are trading my other three personalities to the Vikes along with Randball’s pug and a couple bottles of Famous Dave’s BBQ sauce.
Stu: nice to see you have the college fund thing figured out.
Well, hell, we forgot the Sooze. One of the two Uterine-Americans who posts here. I blame myself.
I told you all it wasn’t scientific. Hopefully I won’t get any hate mail from those outside first 10.
I think the hate mail will come from whoever we determine to be Mr. Irrelevant.
I’m just happy to be here*. I’m wearing my suit**…talkin’ on my cell***…only in America!****
* Mom’s basement
** Spongebob Pajamas
*** Reading blogs on the internet
**** Or maybe Canada
I could be a sleeper in the late rounds. Than again, I’m OK with signing as an undrafted free agent.
I just want to be on the team, coach!
In watching the first round of the NFL draft, I wouldn’t say my mom is slender, but I don’t think she’s big enough for me to be a first round pick.
In watching the first round of the NFL draft, I wouldn’t say my mom is slender, but I don’t think she’s big enough for me to be a first round pick. Any other week, this is COW worthy. This week, Roughkat wins.
That’s it. Screw you guys, I’m signing with Think Again or the Green Girls!
Nathan! Man, I really should have thought about this more.
