Monday (Allen-mania) edition: Wha’ Happened?
Posted on April 28th, 2008 – 8:43 AMBy Michael Rand
Crazy as we are, Rocket — he was in town for the weekend for some sort of nefarious business practice — made a convincing argument that the two of us, despite being denied Saturday morning in a golfing quest by snow, should still head out in the afternoon to a driving range so he could test out his new clubs, followed by a trip to the batting cages so we could make sure we got some fresh blisters. We made some calls and found a nearby course willing to open up the driving range just for our$10 worth of range tokens. Big spenders, we are. Fifty balls apiece later (pictured: Rocket showing off the form that will send tremors through the likes of Woods and Mickelson, particularly if they are standing about 25 yards in front of him and a little to the left. Kidding!), we set out for a batting cage, which proved to be a fruitless and rather lengthy search. The first place, the one we knew about, was shut down. The second one we found was crawling with baseball and softball teams beating the snow and getting in some actual work. This clearly wasn’t the place for a couple of loafers, so we gave up and headed out. But the setback did afford us a chance to play a game on the 36-minute drive back home (weaving through city streets just in case we happened upon another batting cage, some chicken wings, an inflatable gorilla suit or anything else that might strike one’s fancy on a lazy Saturday). We resumed listening to KFAN’s draft coverage and decided to count the number of times we heard a certain name. Starting at 3:30 p.m. until the time we shut the car off at 4:06, the name “Jared Allen” was said exactly 17 times. Mind you, the draft started at 2 p.m. and, in case you forgot, Allen was not a player drafted. We dare say this community has Allen-mania. If there is a better example of right time, right place for an athlete to walk into, we can’t think of it. Allen is a free-speaker, so he will be loved by the media; he is a trash-talkin’, certain number-wearin’ son of a gun, covering a key demographic; by all accounts, he is not just talented but a relentless worker; and he joins a team with a fan base hungry for wins in a market that has been on the wrong end of quite a few talented player swaps in recent years. We took part in the AOL FanHouse’s “City’s Best” series last June, picking who we thought were the five biggest sports stars in the Twin Cities, both in terms of local love and national recognition. The list then:
5. Adrian Peterson
4. Johan Santana
3. Joe Mauer
2. Kevin Garnett
1. Torii Hunter
You’ll notice three of those players no longer play here. Off the top of our head, here is a revised list:
5. Marian Gaborik (though we almost said Brent Burns, and we think that in one year he will be the Wild’s most popular and possibly best player).
4. Justin Morneau
3. Jared Allen
2. Joe Mauer
1. Adrian Peterson
Feel free to disagree, but we’re hard-pressed to find a way the new guy falls out of the top 5. That speaks volumes about what he has created here in such a short period of time. Remember, we’re talking about popularity and buzz as key factors here, not what players have accomplished.
Quickly: How fun is it to say “John David Booty.”
Fasola-link! “Golf in the age of gender equality.”
25 Responses to "Monday (Allen-mania) edition: Wha’ Happened?"
Allen: “Oh, I’d say the beer bong was, shoot, thiiiiis tall or so.”
I have Bootymania… Prediction… he will be out starting quarterback in 3yrs and will have a long career in the NFL.
Based on the RandBall microcosm that I operate in, I would have thought Jason Kubel would have to be number 5. Y’all must get out more than me.
On a side note, it is a sad reality when you scan the Twins roster’s DOB column and find just one player older than you. Thank you, Mike Redmond.
I’d replace Gaborik with John David Booty. That’s not a hoc-key dig so much as recognizing Minnesota’s long-standing tradition of loving up whoever isn’t the new Vikings backup QB.
Anyone who listened to KFAN when callers were incensed about losing Tyler Effing Thigpen last year knows I’m right about this.
s/b “whoever is”
I predict future confusion as to whether the Vikings crowd is screaming “Boo!” or “Booty!” after Tavarius tosses another jump-throw interception.
By the way, let’s not confuse the good Rocket (pictured above in the flattering gray-on-white sweats) with the bad Rocket.
Rocket: I loved you as the furniture mover in Happy Gilmore.
Today is the 25th anniversary of a very significant event in sports history.
That’s Rocket? I thought that was a picture of Alan Shepard playing golf on the moon.
Mauer’s sideburns deserve their own spot. They HAVE to be in the top 10.
@ Clarence- They’re actually saying Boo-urns.
RE: Lee Elia. “It’s like a playground for these (redacted)s!”
Starting at 3:30 p.m. until the time we shut the car off at 4:06, the name “Jared Allen” was said exactly 17 times. Mind you, the draft started at 2 p.m. and, in case you forgot, Allen was not a player drafted.
Yes, but how many times did they say “premier pass rusher”?
The Twins offense has multiple-personality disorder, which, in turn, is giving me bi-polar disorder…
actually, the Elia thing (per wiki) was on April 29. I have a double-anniversary post planned.
I always felt that the Jerry Burns meltdown regarding Bob Schnelker was underrated.
If I am ever feeling blue I think of Jerry yelling “We had a {redacted} trap play called, and his {redacted} shoe falls off! That ain’t Schnelker’s fault!…They put his picture up there, and the {redacted}’s boo him!”
I would like to thank the Bears for waiting until the 2nd round to take a RB that is going to be a bust. I feel much better now.
The Bears drafted another running back this year? It’s so cute when they try to do that!
The Bob Schnelker meltdown is one of the most beautiful things in the English language.
Found a transcription of the Burns meltdown:
“It was one hell of a game. I mean, s***, for 23 bucks if you can get more excitement than that, hell, you’re in the wrong operation. Let me say something. As long as I’m in this f****** job, Schnelker will be the offensive coach. There’ll be no f****** question about that. I don’t like to name names after a f****** … after a f****** game, but we can’t be responsible for the blocking, we can’t be responsible for the f******* guys jumping offside, we can’t be responsible for f****** … We get down there, and it was a dumb play by Anderson. I love Anderson, but it was a dumb play when his shoe came off, hollerin’ up the line to take a timeout. We had a trap play called, and his f****** shoe comes off! That ain’t Bob Schnelker’s fault! We had another trap play called and (unidentified — Bennie?) picks up his f******* feet and he walks in. We’ve got the f******* pass to A.C. out there in the flat, and the ball’s thrown low. That ain’t Bob Schnelker’s fault!”
Clarence, that is absolutely one of my favorite things. I have it on Mp3 for ready access, thanks to 93x.
Don’t the Bears need a Quarterback more than another bust at running back?
If Brent Burns is the best player on the Wild next year they’re in big trouble.
I’m shocked and dismayed that the Proprietor left Seimone Augustus off that list. You’d think the RBBH would’ve said something. Or, at least given him a look.
And Tubby. What about Tubby?
Speaking of KFAN and specifically “Sludge and Lake”, not knowing which is which, who’s the one that tries too hard to sound like Mike Wilbon on PTI? Don’t those guys have interns that can nudge them when they say something like “I would totally give my number one for Donovan McNabb instead of my one and two threes for Jared Allen.”?
Dave MN
4 words
Rex Grossman Kyle Orton.
Of course they don’t need a QB.
4 words
Rex Grossman Kyle Orton.
Holy [redacted]! The Bears killed Orton and Grossman, fused together their various parts, and reanimated their creation to make some sort of FrankenQB? Is that what you’re telling me?
Beware Kylex Groton.
