A front-runner for most disturbing story of the year has emerged: From Portfolio.com, noted in the NY Post (found by Deadspin) and any other credits where credit is due. Read carefully. Your body tank is about to be filled with nightmare fuel at $50 a gallon, thanks to Portfolio:

Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he confides.

Over Giambi’s checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the “golden thong” in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. “All of them wore it and got hits,” he reports. “The thong works every time.”

This season, the 37-year-old Giambi could stand a good thonging or two. He is in the final guaranteed season of a seven-year, $120 million contract, and through Wednesday was batting an obscenely low .188 with seven homers and 20 R.B.I.’s in 33 games for the sputtering Yanks.

Either Giambi is playing some sort of elaborate prank, or … he’s a modern day Nuke LaLoosh. The mind. Damaging to the mind.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.