Rocket isn’t the only one who can spend countless hours thinking about the Vikings. The other day, we had a few spare hours, so we cranked out a Revisionist History that, well, is kind of sick and typically results in a Super Bowl victory for the Purple. We hope you enjoy it.

1998: Randall Cunningham doesn’t fumble. Gary Anderson doesn’t miss the kick. Denny Green doesn’t order a knee taken. Well, that was easy. Vikings are in the Super Bowl. Even after being decimated by injuries in the NFC title game, they have enough offensive firepower and win a shootout over the Broncos for their first ever Super Bowl title. There are riots on the streets of Minneapolis. I get a free TV.

1999: The Vikings, realizing that Cunningham can’t play at that MVP level forever and that defenses will eventually adjust to him, don’t trade Brad Johnson in February 1999 for the No. 11 pick in the 1999 draft, a third-rounder in 1999 and a second-rounder in 2000. Instead of choosing Daunte Culpepper No. 11 overall and then pretending like their own pick (No. 29) doesn’t matter by reaching for Dimitrius Underwood, who will be cut before the season starts, the Vikings take cornerback Dre Bly at No. 29. Bly gives the Vikings the speedy cover corner they need — and also subtracts him from the Rams — while Johnson, a Pro Bowler with more than 4,000 yards for Washington in 1999, puts up similar numbers for the Vikings after replacing an ineffective Cunningham very early in the season instead of Jeff George. That duo, along with the still-potent offensive weapons around them, wins the NFC Central, holds off St. Louis and goes on to dominate Tennessee to win the Super Bowl.

2000: Check that. The Vikings do make that Brad Johnson trade, figuring they need to restock for the future. But instead of taking Daunte Culpepper at No. 11 overall in 1999 and inserting him into the 2000 lineup, they take Jevon Kearse. That eliminates the need to take Underwood at No. 29, so they still take Dre Bly or even linebacker Al Wilson, thus restocking the defense for years to come. Jeff George, coming off a terrific year as a sub for Randall Cunningham and just 32 at season’s start, is re-signed and is even better with a full year under his belt. The mix of young and old is more than enough to subdue a very weak NFC. The Vikings roll through the playoffs. Jevon Kearse, in his second year as a pro, has 34 sacks and taunts Randy Moss and Cris Carter by saying they don’t even have as many combined touchdowns as he has sacks. The three work out their playful differences by cutting an a cappella remix of “Rapper’s Delight” after the Vikings destroy the Brian Billick-led Ravens in the Super Bowl.

OR:

Randy Moss doesn’t brood about not being able to get friends onto the field in the actual NFC title game at New York and the Vikings — favored on the road, if you’ll recall — don’t turn Kerry Collins into Johnny [Redacted] Unitas and cost a young reporter a chance to help cover a Super Bowl.

2001: Instead of taking the likes of Michael Boireau, Fred Robbins, Troy Walters, Tyrone Carter, Doug Chapman and Antonio Wilson in the 2000 draft, the Vikings decide at some point that taking a run at Tom Brady might be a good idea before he goes to the Patriots late in the sixth round, thereby sparing everyone an insufferable decade and creating a dynasty here in the frozen wasteland instead. The Vikings, with Brady throwing to Moss and Carter, with Kearse dominating the line of scrimmage, win the Super Bowl 67-2 after giving up a pity safety with four seconds left. They are obviously not playing New England.

2002: OK, so a lot of teams passed on Brady. But honestly, take a look at the 2000-2002 NFL drafts if you have the stomach. Outside of two first-round picks (Michael Bennett and Bryant McKinnie), both of which were better-than-average, this is a very lean list. This is the reason we cannot in good faith put the Vikings in the Super Bowl in 2002.

2003: One of the most frustrating Vikings teams ever. Do you realize: They started the season 6-0; in the final 10 games, they lost: at home to Green Bay; at Chicago when Mike Tice demanded that they play tough-guy football, resulting in a 13-10 loss that I witnessed in person; and they lost to the NY Giants, San Diego, Oakland and, who could forget, Arizona, four teams that ended the year 4-12. They should have finished, at minimum, 12-4 after that hot start. Instead, they went 9-7 and were knocked out of the playoffs by Nate Poole’s miracle catch on 4th and 68. Maybe even Tom Brady couldn’t have saved this team’s karmic whatnot.

2004: They did win the Super Bowl. They beat the Packers in the playoffs at Lambeau.

2005: If you want to become physically ill, think back to the off-season between 2004 and 2005. Coming off that Super Bowl win in Lambeau (OK, so they were an 8-8 team that backed into the playoffs, but still), this is when the Vikings traded Randy Moss for a handful of nickels and a burrito filled with broken glass. Nothing like trading a guy when his stock is low. They received an OK linebacker (Napoleon Harris) and the No. 7 overall pick in the 2005 draft, which we all know they parlayed into Troy Williamson, who turned out to be excellent at dropping passes. Let’s pretend the Vikings didn’t trade Moss, which really was the start of the downward spiral that led to the 2005 draft (hide your breakables if you’re looking back at this), the May 2005 Whizzinator fun with Onterrio Smith, the Love Boat mess in October, and Daunte’s career-changing injury. For as flawed as Moss can be, he’s a once-in-a-generation player. Maybe he had to go, but at the same time, you can’t trade him. What if they hadn’t? Maybe 2005 plays itself out entirely differently. No injury to Daunte. No seismic shift. Can’t say Super Bowl here or even in 2006, but still. Think about …

2007: Let’s say the defense was just bad enough in 2006 that the Vikings still finished with that 6-10 record and got the No. 7 pick and Adrian Peterson. They have that improved defense (maybe not every piece if Moss and Culpepper are eating up cap, but still better than it has been), along with a healthy and in his prime Daunte at QB, Moss at WR and Peterson at RB. Super Bowl, homeboy.

2008: OK, forget all that. We’re in reality. Nothing has changed. Everything is as it is now. The Vikings have perhaps the best front four in football, or at least one of the two best (hat tip, Giants). They have a dynamic running game led by Peterson. They have an improving wide receiving group led by another year for Sid Rice and the addition of Bernard Berrian. They have upgraded via free agency and the draft in the secondary on defense. They have shockingly declined to add significant depth to the O-line, but they have talent there. Tarvaris Jackson, 8-4 in the games he started last year, makes the leap from sketchy to above average, to the point that he no longer attempts jump passes and 7 of 10 people don’t misspell his first name. All the pieces are in place. Super Bowl.

2009: There was one missing piece, and it was T-Jack. With an aging defense ready for one more go-round, the Vikings need a veteran gunslinger to lead them to the promised land. One such gunslinger exists, and he’s been sitting on his hands for a year, shocking the world by honoring his retirement commitment. Two worlds collide. Cats get along with dogs. Brett Favre in Purple. Super Bowl.

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