We know about as much about Mixed Martial Arts as we know about grouting tile. So when Danonymous e-mailed late last week offering his guest posting services for Saturday’s network debut of MMA, we naturally gave him the right of way. So please do enjoy his review and that picture of Kimbo Slice’s not-so-tender embrace.

Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) is said by some to have followed the likes of the stick and hoop, jai alai, and most recently NASCAR, as the fastest growing sport in the world. It hit the big stage on Saturday when CBS aired an Elite Xtreme Combat promotion. If the UFC — far and away the most popular MMA promoter in America — is the NFL, then EliteXC would have to be the XFL, right down to the inexcusable use of “Xtreme.” But for now, for those without cable, this will have to do.

First bout: St. Paul resident Brett Rogers, an imposing figure with an imposing posse, takes on John Murphy, who mentions in his prerecorded interview that he recently gave 15 inches of hair to Locks of Love. This fight turns out like you could probably guess with the information you’ve been given. Rogers lands a right hand in 1:01 of the first to score the knockout.

Second bout: In a match between two vets with more than 50 matches between them Phil Baroni takes on Joey Villasenor. Some clumsy action is exchanged before Villasenor locks on a brief standing choke; Baroni gets separation only to have Villasenor tees off on his face. Baroni, down to all fours before the ref steps in, is so foggy he briefly grabs the ref’s leg in a takedown attempt. Villasenor by TKO in 1:11 of the first.

Third bout: Gina Carano, cast member of American Gladiator: Redux and the face of women’s MMA, takes on U of M student and another St. Paul native in Kaitlin Young. A cornrowed Young gives a game effort but by the end of the second she is bloodied and her left eye is completely closed. The ring doctor calls a TKO before the start of the third.

Fourth bout: In the EliteXC middleweight title match Robbie Lawler takes on Scott Smith. These two soft-spoken brawlers give over thirteen minutes of solid action before Smith catches an inadvertent finger in the eye. To the dismay of both men the fight is stopped by the doctor and ruled a no-contest in the most disappointing part of the night.

Headliner: Over-hyped, interweb sensation Kimbo Slice takes on British tomato can James Thompson who was sporting a swollen cauliflower ear sorely in need of draining. After a sloppy two rounds that I had Thompson winning, Kimbo lands an overhand right at the start of the third that wobbles Thompson while bursting his grotesque ear. After a few more glancing blows the ref steps in over Thompson’s protest.

Review: In an event that was arranged to satiate the American bloodlust and showcase a few of EliteXC’s more popular fighters in the process, this event mostly succeeded. On a card completely filled with strikers, what little ground game that was displayed was not technical or effective, which might’ve been for the best. Joe Six-pack who is tuning into MMA for the first time because it’s on free TV doesn’t want to see two guys rolling on the ground, he wants to see someone’s [redacted] face get punched in. Hopefully, in time most of America will come to appreciate a good submission as much as they do an ugly referee’s stoppage, but for now I’m just happy they got to see someone’s ear explode.

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