From Clarence Swamptown, Esq. It’s not about golf. RandBall wishes to note that the opinions expressed by CS are not necessarily those expressed by the RandBall board of directors or the Star & Tribune as a whole.

In April we were told that the Twin Cities are the 10th “Most Miserable Sports City” in America. I would like to open the floor to nominations for the Most Miserable Sports City in Minnesota, and offer my hometown of Rosemount as the first candidate.

Within the three biggest Minnesota high school sports (football, boys’ basketball and boys’ hockey) Rosemount has one state title: the 1981 state football championship. I was 6 years old and my buddy and I rode our bikes into town for the celebration. The townsfolk erected a sign in front of the VFW: “Welcome to Rosemount: 1981 Football State Champions”. Space was left on the sign for the dozens of championships anticipated in the future.

Years passed. The elders at the VFW are a misogynistic bunch and “forgot” to add the 1984 girls’ track and 1999 girls’ swim team’s titles to the sign. Eventually the sign rotted and blew over without any additions.

Most Miserable Minnesota City, Non-Sports Division: A friend of mine is from Angus, Minn. Local rascals have been painting over the “g” in the “Welcome to Angus” sign for decades. With a wife and 3 kids, a full time job and a mortgage I am expected to be more mature. But I still think that’s kinda funny. Give me a case of beer this weekend and I might say: “Let’s go paint the Anus sign.”

Most Miserable North Dakota City Non-Sports Division: My college roommate was from “Park River, ND: “A Town with a Heart.” The kids keep changing the welcome sign to “A Town With a Fart.”

With 21 words left, bonus stupid Minnesota town humor as told by my Uncle Earl in 1984: “Emily gets to Aitkin before Warren gets to Remer.” Sadly, I was 17 years old before that joke made any sense.

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