The Twins, at least temporarily, are back from the dead after getting to play some pretty awful teams in the past week. Similarly, Mike Myers and Adam Sandler have returned from a seemingly eternal slumber to make a couple of movies that also look pretty awful: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan and The Love Guru (special DVD feature idea for the latter: You can watch with all of Alba’s lines muted). In honor of both returns, each of today’s quotes will come from previous Myers or Sandler vehicles.

1. I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it’s not.

2. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog is lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your [redacted] out there and you find that [redacted] dog.

3. It’s a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We’re here with defenseman Matt Marden, and… cut!

4. Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.

5. The Lone Rangers? That’s original. How can you pluralize “The Lone Ranger”?

6. This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. “Pregnant man gives birth.” That’s a fact.

7. Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it’s OK, I don’t mind. I don’t mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.

8. You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You’re in my world now, grandma.

9. Gee, you know that information … really would’ve been more useful to me YESTERDAY.

10. We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I’m making waffles!

Fasola-link! Phone car. Can we get a live report on this, Sassbottom?

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