Monday edition: Clarence has clearance for COW
Posted on July 7th, 2008 – 9:15 AMBy Michael Rand
The overriding message to any writer: write what you know. Clarence Swamptown follows that lesson plan very well in spending his 300 or so words as the Commenter Of the Week writing about outstate watering holes. Please do enjoy:
Receiving the COW was a nice beginning to long weekend. I even got a vote from Paul Peter Paulos. I don’t know much about “P3,” only the legend. I started routinely visiting RandBall around the same time Paul’s employer put him on 5-month bereavement leave after Favre’s retirement. KFC strives to be an understanding workplace, as everyone grieves in their own way. But you cannot pump fake and shovel-pass the coleslaw to the carry out customers. Welcome back Paul.
I can’t complain about the Twins. The other teams I follow are on break. So I’ll try to write about what I like: Beer and food. Local media outlets do a good job rating the bars within the 494/694 loop. Outstate bars can get overlooked, so here are 3 of my favorite regional establishments:
1. Lauerman’s #2 (Fargo, ND). Just south of NDSU, sandwiched between the railroad tracks and an industrial park. In the ’90’s you could throw down $20 and get a great bowl of chili with cheese and onions, onion rings, 2 pitchers of beer, a few games of pool, and leave a tip. The worst smells in Fargo: 1. My roommate after a night at Lauerman’s 2. West Fargo Slaughterhouse 3. Crystal Sugar plant.
2. King’s (Miesville, MN). 45 minutes south of St. Paul and across the street from the Miesville Mudhens amateur baseball park. Great burgers. Go to a game, heckle the players, then go the bar after the game and heckle them some more*.
3. Tom’s Bar (Siren, WI). I have no idea if Tom’s has food. You don’t go to Tom’s to eat, you go to get drunk. It’s dark. It’s got a jukebox filled with classic country that has been scientifically proven to help your bloodstream absorb alcohol. Its u-shaped bar makes it fun to decide if the guy with the Packers hat and a lazy eye is leering at you, or the picture of Don Majkowski on the other wall.
Honorable Mention: Rusty Nail (Thief River Falls, MN), The Zoo (Drayton, ND), Draw Bar (Dawson, MN), Wanderoos Bar (Wanderoos, WI), AmVets (Fargo, ND).
The floor is open to your nominations.
*Bad idea.
18 Responses to "Monday edition: Clarence has clearance for COW"
I can personally attest to Mr. Swamptown’s accuracy in describing institutions #1 and #3 on his list. I may have to research #2 extensively to complete the hat trick. It should be noted that I was a habitue of Lauerman’s #1 during my Fargo-Moorhead sentence, an equally classy albeit smaller joint.
The 71 Bar outside Bemidji, MN has a terrific vibe all year, but it’s like Tom’s: not a place to go for food. If you need to eat with your beer, try Slim’s, closer to town.
We ten-runned Meisville a few years in a row, and one year got into an exchange of beanballs. During the arguments one of my teammates mentioned they should probably get a few better players on the team because we were sick of killing them every game. We haven’t been invited back since. This is why everyone hates our team.
*Hector American Legion, Carl O. Potter Post #135, Hector, MN. I’m biased, as my dad is the Commander, but the Beer Butt Chicken they serve on Saturdays is very good, and tap beers are still just $1 (Lite, Mich Golden, Sam Adams). Also, the Comely Missus Stu and I will be bartending this Friday night for the annual street dance. By bartending, I mean pouring tap beer, but it sounds cooler to say bartending.
*Lincoln Depot, St. Cloud, MN. It’s the closest bar to my house. The deep fat fryer is a national treasure.
*Rodney’s, New Ulm, MN. Nice old building, plenty of non-Schell’s options on tap, within walking distance of George’s, where you can get the best steak in outstate Minnesota.
*Pizza Luce, Duluth. Might be too hipster-y to count, but I like it.
Clarence, you are a legend to me as well except a living legend. Alas, it is true I have contemplated a slow death since Farve’s retirement by joing with the Purple and whatever other color they wear ………Not.
Keep up the good work (sounds like a yearbook, ay) and look into what “pinging” is that it is not allowed. I love pinging just not on those middle aged white guy hats …
Not to bring the fellow Lauermans enthusiast down, or anything but…
I was driving through Fargo last year on my way home for Thanksgiving and stopped at Lauermans #1 with my girlfriend for a couple schooners of beer, chili, and pickled eggs. They were closed, and apparently have been since last September or so. I was notably crushed, as I had many fond college memories (I probably should have been paying rent there) and could always count on it as being a great place to stop on my way home. I think Lauermans #2 preceded it by a few months.
Stu
Does the Lincoln Depot still hand out free beers when the trains nearly knock the building over? I use to live in walking distance and you could drink a lot of beer for a small amount of money, along with free happy hour food.
When “bartending” how many of those tap beers you pour get taste tested?
Skorch:
Thanks for the update. It sucks to lose such a fine institution. We last stopped in six years ago for supper (on the first night of our honeymoon in North Dakota). We were treated like visiting royalty.
Does the Lincoln Depot still hand out free beers when the trains nearly knock the building over?
If you know the right people.
When “bartending” how many of those tap beers you pour get taste tested?
Many.
Did anyone else see that Cell Phone commercial with the “saying good bye to good bye.” Isn’t it kind of Ironic that Farve is thinking of making a comeback and he is the last person in the commercial saying, “After 17 years in the NFL, it’s time for me to say hello”? What a [redacted] nut.
Tell me I’m not the only one that’s ever been to Country Prime Time in Lydia, MN. The sign actually reads “Coun ry rim T me” now, but they spent all the sign fixing money replacing the trash bag that funnels the water from the leaky part of the ceiling.
i guess I was always particular to the Red Carpet in St. Cloud because it would allow me to crawl across the street to the hotel at closing time. We did have a knee injury to our bowling team one year because the curbs are hard on them when you are crawling and try to get them up over them at said closing time.
Lauermans #2 has been closed for over five years.
The Crystal Sugar plant is one of the worst smelling things around. I think if you were behind a semi that was hauling hogs, you’d still smell the sugar plant over that.
Reminds me of many a childhood car-sickness episode.
I’m okay with a good portion of ND smelling worse than [redacted] if it means I get to rot my teeth out by eating lots of sugar.
fasolamatt- It’s funny that you mention the 71 Bar, it was an Honorable Mention until my post started getting too long. My extended family lives/farms/logs near there. That is where my cousin had her “wedding reception”. Great bar.
Brandon- We had the exact same experience about 7 years ago when we 10-runned Miesville. It was their left fielder who started it all. They were jackasses.
Skorch & Wookie- That is terrible, terrible news.
I worked in the neighborhood of the 71 Bar for a dozen years. There are a couple of other places that are as preferred now (including Slim’s); I’m spending a week up there in August and I’ll report back.
Nice COW post.
Even though Stu mentioned Luce in Duluth, I will give him a free pass for almost ruining your writing.
What is the over under (in years) before a Luce opens in St. Cloud?
Even though Stu mentioned Luce in Duluth, I will give him a free pass for almost ruining your writing.
Crap, I’m not supposed to like Pizza Luce, am I? I am such a hick.
“What is the over under (in years) before a Luce opens in St. Cloud?”
St. Cloud needs another restraunt about as much as Joker needs another blow up “friend”. They could use more quality restraunts but they have so many places already that I can’t believe half of them are still open.
On a positive, I made it to “5 Guys” a couple of weeks ago and that is a pretty darn good burger. Plus the extra scoop of fries in the bag is a nice touch.
