Anybody who has read a Bill Simmons mailbag column knows that the phrase, “Yup. … These are my readers,” is a trademark of The Sports Guy. In reading the comments on this here blog, we’ve sometimes felt that same sentiment — but never as strongly as we did when Mike M. sent in an e-mail for our hiatus. It is the story of two gentlemen named Box and Emz (not their real names) who at a recent Twins game attempted to consume nine hot dogs in nine innings. We do not wish to glorify their absurd caloric feat. Needless to say, this is not recommended for anyone. We’re guessing based on prime demographic research that these guys are between the ages of 23 and 26 — the only time in one’s life when such a thing would even sound partially rational. And still. Wow. In the interest of time and taste, we’re condensing the diary somewhat and only using that picture you see above (there are several more pics and even a video). Not to spoil the suspense, but both men succeeded in their quest, which means America wins and humanity fails. Or something like that. Mike M. weaves together a funny and sometimes cautionary tale (there are, after all, four All You Can Eat games still on the schedule). He has the floor right about now:

Quick preface – my friend Box, as a birthday gift to me, proposed to eat 9 hot dogs in a standard 9 inning game while sitting in the all-you-can-eat seats at the Metrodome. Who am I to deny a proposition like that? Even better, my friend Emz proposed to eat 9 hot dogs in 9 innings himself.

Pre-Game Warm-ups: Box – 4 Hot Dogs, warming in cargo pockets, Emz – Counting Change to relax; Apparently when you put a $20 bill in a LRT ticket booth, you get dollar coins in return.

6:59: 3-piece instrumental metal hair band national anthem. Seriously. Most electrifying national anthem of all time. I can’t even begin to express the fierceness of this band.

Pre-Game Quotes: Emz – “Let’s just call this a 9-inning Snapper ‘Mow ‘em down inning.’” Box - “I’m following the Slim Fast plan today; shake for breakfast, shake for lunch, and a non-sensible dinner.”

7:19: Emz – dog 4 dead

7:21: Box – dog 3 dead

The boys are off to a blistering pace. They pause to collect themselves.

7:24: End of the 1st Inning

7:34: Emz has full intentions to eat half a dog, and plows right through. Emz – dog 6 dead. Box – “I’m starting to sweat.” Mike M. – “I think it’s meat sweats.”

Mike M. – “Box, why don’t you put any ketchup or mustard on your dogs?” Box – “’Cause they add too many calories.”

7:51: Emz – dog 7 dead

7:52: Box – dog 6 dead

Sue – “I hope you guys aren’t getting complacent. You’ve still got some work to do.” Box nods and proceeds to eat hot dog.

7:55: End of 3rd Inning. Boys are still way ahead of pace.

Emz – “I think I’m drunk off of hot dogs.”

8:04: Mike M.– “I’m worried about Emz. If the EMT goes down, who’s going to resuscitate us?” (Um, Emz is a certified EMT. Yeah. Can he be de-certified for eating 9 hot dogs in 3 hours? Good thing his name is not really Emz …)

8:05: Loverboy – ‘Everybody’s Working For The Weekend.’ ‘Nuff said. Randoke? [Proprietor note: yes].

8:11: Box – “How come there’s no ‘time in’ after a time-out in the batter’s box?”

8:13: Box looks as though he’s falling into a meat coma.

8:45: End of 5th Inning. Boys are slowing down, considerably.

8:52: Box – “The first 3 dogs tasted fantastic, then they started tasting awful.”

8:54: Box starts to show first sign of duress.

8:56: Box – “It’s getting harder and harder to breathe.”

9:20: Box – This was a terrible [redacted] idea.

9:26: Emz: /sigh. Box: /sigh

9:44: Box – “Literally, everything that goes into my mouth is a struggle right now.” (Paging Michael Scott …)

9:58: Emz – dog 9 dead. Box – dog 9 dead (picture).
Joe Nathan closes door for his 23rd save.

So the obvious question of the day is this: What is the most absurd and/or regrettable thing you have ever done on a whim or dare? We’d make our own list, but it’s too long to funny.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.