The Friscalating Dusklight: How to be a MN sports fan
Posted on July 30th, 2008 – 5:35 PMBy Michael Rand
Colleague Jim P. has passed along an entry from Joe Cowley from the Chicago Sun-Times on how to be a Minnesota Sports fan:
Spending most of my offseasons in the Twin Cities and having married into a Minnesotan family, I am very qualified to now put out this very important piece of literature:
1. First of all, if you are a Minnesota female sports fan, you will undoubtedly go to the event with your significant other and get looks. See, there is a serious problem in the Twin Cities called “Out Kicked Your Coverage Syndrome.” For some reason, Minneapolis is one of those few cities where the women are far superior looking to the males, hence making the selection pool very one-sided. Every couple you see at a sporting event will fit this description: good-looking woman and man that looks like either Larry, Darryl or Darryl from the Bob Newhart Show. Just a fact.
2. Minnesota sports fan will spend all day before the event doing the “Lou Holtz.” That means downplaying their team to the point where it sounds like they have no chance to win. What this does is set them up for a win-win situation. If they lose, “See, I told you, we’re just a small-market team.” If they win, “Yeah, eat that you big-city folk!”
3. Lay in the weeds until a division title is locked in. See, Minnesotans don’t like to talk trash … until after the fact. They downplay, downplay, downplay, then strike.
4. Finally, have a lot of outdoor hobbies. Yes, their little-engine-that-could teams are built to reach the postseason, but then fade out quicker than you can say, “Surrender Morneau, you’re Canadian!” Or as Mark Buehrle put it years ago - “one and done.” That’s why Minnesotans always have a Plan B hobby - because they need it.
So yeah, have fun with that.
12 Responses to "The Friscalating Dusklight: How to be a MN sports fan"
…I’m actually kinda inclined to agree with #1. I will be upping this ratio when I lock in THH for life this weekend.
The rest, just add them to the snarky comments all the others Chicagoans and Wisconsinites like to throw at us.
One and done - much better than “Half and choke” like some teams do.
I can hear all the Minnesota ladies wailing from here as they realize that The Hootie is off the market. Congrats, The Hootie!
If Mrs. Cowley is any kind of Minnesota Girl, she will make his ass sleep on the couch.
Besides number one being undeniably true, I’m pretty sure this guy’s a [redacted]taster.
Joe Cowley is already enough of an idiot when he writes about baseball. Giving him space here is like finding out that your Doritos went stale because someone forgot to close the bag. The expectation of coming to RandBall will now be lessened a little bit because I’m going to be concerned that I’m gonna find poop like this on my doorstep.
So he’s saying that Minnesota fans seldom get their hopes up, because they’re conditioned to expect the worst?
…..
I can’t imagine where he gets that idea.
Are you kidding? The males in ChiTown all look like Ditka with fungus in their toes and an ample supply of body hair. Oh, I meant the females too.
Hmm, maybe I’m not looking in the right place but I rarely see a good looking MN girl. Most are from elsewhere.
I completely agree with #1, which is the main reason I moved to this state. Well that and North Dakota always gets to be on top of South Dakota.
So if he married a Minnesota girl doesn’t that mean he is part of that inequality he points out in #1?
What was your favorite, Ken Griffey Jr. as a Red moment?
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/baseball/mlb/07/31/griffey.whitesox/index.html
12-step: I was in a hurry. It’ll never happen again.
Do sportswriters have offseasons?
