They Were Who We Thought: Wally Szczerbiak
Posted on September 10th, 2008 – 1:52 PMBy Michael Rand
They Were Who We Thought They Were … Or Were They?
By RandBall’s Stu
(TWWWTTWOWT’s goal is to analyze past Minnesota sporting figures to see if they were, in fact, who we thought they were. They will be graded on a scale of Absolute Dennys, with a 1 being We Let ‘Em Off the Hook, and a 10 being Crown ‘Em.)
Today’s Subject: Wally Szczerbiak
Who We Think They Were: fantastic perimeter shooter. Defensive liability. Couldn’t create his own shot. Occasionally dribbled the ball as if it had been fashioned from razors and the Hantavirus. Hated by Kevin Garnett with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Handsome.
Were They Really: his career 3-point percentage is still better than 40%, which is in the Top 20 all-time, and his overall field goal percentage pushes 50%. Not shabby. This excellent Slam Online article by John Krolik discusses Wally’s attempts at those other pesky aspects of the game with the Cavaliers last season:
Wally needs other people to create shots for him, so naturally (Cavs coach Mike Brown) decided to make Wally the leader of the 2nd unit for Cleveland, which features absolutely nobody who can draw defensive attention, and let Wally attempt to create offense. This led to Wally firing 21-foot turnaround jumpers and rushed 18-foot catch-and-shoots off of down-screens, all of which was bad. Also, at some point last season, Mike Brown uttered the phrase “Let’s get Wally Szczerbiak down on the block.” That worked out exactly how you’d think it would.
In a statistic I just created, Szczerbiak is also the active NBA leader in attempting to drive the lane, only to bounce the ball off his foot and give the opponent a fast break scoring opportunity.
As for the rest, Google seems to indicate that you can’t write an article or blog post about Wally Szczberiak without including the phrase “defensive liability,” and the most intimate aspect of the KG/Wally relationship appears to have been between Wally’s mug and Kevin’s fist.
Most importantly, was he handsome? As a virile, burly man’s man, I have no problem recognizing another man’s physical beauty, but I figured it was best to turn this question over to the Comely Missus Stu. Her response: “No, I don’t think so. Did he have like these crazy eyebrows and sideburns bigger than Joe Mauer’s? What’s this about? Am I going to be quoted?” Yes, you are, dear. Yes, you are.
The Grade: Wally Szczerbiak gets 7 Dennys. The man can shoot, but he’s always needed a little help to get that shot off. Other aspects of the game continue to be a work area for him. He and the Ticket don’t exchange text messages about last night’s Gossip Girl. Not as handsome as you remember.
Bonus YouTube Laffs: Bruce Bowen, Wally’s face. Wally’s face, Bruce Bowen.
18 Responses to "They Were Who We Thought: Wally Szczerbiak"
“Did he have like these crazy eyebrows”
Make that singular for me with a line through the ’s’. Thank you.
The problem with this feature is your bear trap of a memory. You conveniently remember everything exactly as it happened, you deplorable genius of a human being.
One thing you left out: I remember Wally once scored 75 points in the NCAA tournament, leading his team to the nat’l championship.
jama, are you talking to the comment box?
Off topic, yet amusing.
2 other Wally items that were forgotten.
1. He always seemed to take stupid 3 pointers when there was a 3 on 1.
2. He never had a dunk clear the rim by more than half an inch.
jama: I didn’t realize he ever got close enough to the rim with the ball to dunk.
Mark Madsen makes it into the background of every Timberwolves photo, with the exact same pose.
Clarence: I call that pose “Elated and Constipated”
He’s always needed a little help to get that shot off.
This is true to the exact same degree that Carl Pohlad needs a “little” help to go five-hole, if you get my drift.
Fantastic. I reckon in the early part of this decade, them would be fightin’ words from the CMS. Wally had more ladies than z’s back in those days.
Stu - please bump him down to a 6 for naming his kid Maximus. This kinds of intangibles must be considered.
AZGG: I hate bringing kids into it, but that’s a very fair point. And for the record, it’s Maximus Jack, which is either a hyperviolent video game character or a British metal band that opened for Iron Maiden at Hammersmith in 1981.
I remember he spoke with a bit of a lisp, which always surprised me when he spoke considering how handsome I thought he was, but now stand corrected.
“Did he have like these crazy eyebrows”
You’re welcome, jama.
Here’s the correct link for the aforementioned excellent Slam Online article: http://slamonline.com/online/2008/08/profiles-in-x-factordom-wally-szczerbiak/
Make sure you read his list of the different types of Wally Szczerbiak fans. You’ll be glad you did.
I’m surprised that you didn’t use this youtube video for Szczerbiack:
From Stu’s link:
“Larry Hughes is explosive the way Shawn Johnson is intimidating. Dude can’t get penetration at a UCSB Halloween party at this point.”
It’s funny because UCSB girls are easy.
Well done, Stu, but as an unapologetic Wally Szczerbiak apologist I must abstain (a notion which is apparently foreign to UCSB girls) from this dialogue.
