Friday (Movie Quotes) Edition: Wha’ Happened?
Posted on September 12th, 2008 – 7:42 AMBy Michael Rand
The origins of baseball have long been a mystery condensed into a convenient story about how Abner Doubleday, an American, invented it. Evidence suggests that is not how it really happened; however, new evidence from England is almost as disturbing — if not more so — than any lie once told about the game. An AP story traces the game back to the 1700s in England and a lawyer named William Bray. Here is an excerpt from his diary:
“Easter Monday 31 March 1755
“Went to Stoke Ch. This morning. After Dinner Went to Miss Jeale’s to play at Base Ball with her, the 3 Miss Whiteheads, Miss Billinghurst, Miss Molly Flutter, Mr. Chandler, Mr. Ford & H. Parsons & Jelly. Drank Tea and stayed till 8.”
That sounds like something from a bad British movie (you know, the kind where there’s a dance, a forced marriage proposal, social class tension, a carriage ride, forbidden love, etc.). Sorry, that’s not baseball.
To take our minds off this terrible thing, and to honor Joel and Ethan Coen, charter members of the One of Us club, we give you movie quotes from Coen Bros. movies (the new one, Burn After Reading, comes out today and looks fantastic). Here we go:
1. The world is full o’ complainers. An’ the fact is, nothin’ comes with a guarantee. Now I don’t care if you’re the pope of Rome, President of the United States or Man of the Year; somethin’ can all go wrong.
2. Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We’re all, we’re all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
3. I want to go somewhere where I can get a shot and a steak, maybe, not more [redacted] pancakes, c’mon.
4. He told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. Then he said the facts had no meaning.
5. If it’s all the same to you, Honey, I think I’ll skip this little get together, slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas.
6. Here last week they found this couple out in California. They rent out rooms for old people, kill’em, bury’em in the yard, cash their social security checks. Well, they’d tortur’em first, I don’t know why. Maybe the television set was broke.
7. Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female. Delmar, remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.
8. So you propose, that in spite of demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.
9. This is a face only a mother could love. On pay day.
10. What Ted Oakam doesn’t know you could almost squeeze into the Hollywood Bowl.
Fasola-link! A 43-page academic treatise on why NFL teams should go for it on fourth down.
34 Responses to "Friday (Movie Quotes) Edition: Wha’ Happened?"
#2 is, of course, The Big Lebowski.
#5 is, of course, Raising Arizona.
DANCE!
#7 and #8 are from Intolerable Cruelty
7. O Brother Where Art Thou?
A few days ago lattewarrior expressed his fierce, but justifiable, loyalty to glam metal powerhouse Cinderella. As a tribute to lattewarrior (and Pat Neshek) I would like to offer this rewrite of Cinderella’s “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”. For the younger RandBallers who may not be familiar with the song, here is a link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUA0ai0XxRU
Sidenote #1: If you take the time to watch the link, you will notice that Cinderella’s front man Tom Keifer pioneers the rock video staple “kick-ass guitar solo in front of an abandoned church in the desert” scene. I firmly believe that Slash perfected this move in the “November Rain” video, and it cannot be improved upon.
Sidenote #2: To get in the mood please feel free to remove your tie and use it as a headband, and unbutton your shirt down to your belly button. Joker -because you are awesome and I live vicariously through you- I picture you dressing like this all of the time.
For the sake of brevity (too late) it is limited to the first verse, chorus, and bridge.
I can’t tell you Gardy, why you use Guerrier.
I don’t understand, why you think he has a prayer.
Here’s what I know:
His WHIP is soaring into the galactic.
Doubles dent the baggie; it looks like a used prophylactic.
These guys blow.
If you take some time to think it over Gardy.
Take some time, use Morneau?
Before Dennys lets another slider go.
Don’t know the bullpen you got, till it’s gone.
Don’t know what it is they did so wrong.
Now I know the guys we got, are a bunch of schlongs.
And it ain’t easy to get back a Curtis Granderson dong.
Do you wanna see me beggin’, Gardy?
Can’t you give Nathan just one more inning?
Can’t you see he’s underutilized lately?
Gleeman’s been saying this from the beginning.
Don’t know the bullpen you got, till it’s gone.
Don’t know what it is they did so wrong.
To watch the guys we got, I need a bong.
And it ain’t easy to get back a Magglio Ordonez dong.
Um, I think we can call off the COW vote for today.
Isn’t #1 O’Brother?
Clarence
I think it’s time for an intervention. RandBall has taken over your life. You wife and Kids want the old Clarence back. They hardly recognize this new RandBall addict. All you do now is write song parodies and mumble nonsense about Roberto this and P3 that. They are all concerned about your well being.
P.S. That was pretty darn good
Fantastic, Clarence. (#3 is Fargo.)
confusing but interesting baseball story. I e-mailed it to a lawyer friend of mine, an English guy who grew up playing cricket, and he said that, at times, they called cricket baseball..
Having never played cricket, I don’t know about that reference, but the reference that “The first recorded competitive baseball game took place in Hoboken, N.J., in 1846 between the Alexander Cartwright’s Knickerbocker Base Ball Club of New York and the New York Nine” was equally confusing. Does that mean the game started in England but with no teams and no leagues ?
Clarence, you’re right about #7. I got caught up in the idea that Rand might have tried to pull a trick question putting two from the same film back to back
And it ain’t easy to get back a Curtis Granderson dong
Um…I’m glad I don’t know this firsthand
Clarance that was magic.
I’ve been waiting for the next comment in the form of a song. We had a couple of rap/hip-hop comments, but the idea of using Cinder-effing-rella was genius. They were the most solid hair-metal band of their time. Sure, they weren’t as popular as some of the other groups, but their music was far superior.
Dating myself, but my first concert was seeing Cinderella open for Bon Jovi at Met Center in 1987. When the guitarists for Cindy started to swing their guitars around their bodies, catch them, and continue to play - I lost my mind.
Also, they still tour and haven’t lost a beat. Keifer’s voice is still going strong. Saw them at ROCKFEST in Caddott, WI a couple years ago. Highlight of the weekend.
Oh, was that out loud?
Dave
Since I know you have a mancrush on a certain Gopher QB I thought you would enjoy this list. After looking at who is #1 I would say this list is a complete waste of time but I thought you might enjoy it anyway.
Maybe Mr. Bray (appropriate name perhaps) was talking about a baseball/cricket game evolving well before it’s time. In that respect then, my brothers and I invented football one summer, 15 boys per side football, since back then (before p.c.s and cable tv) there were always too many kids to just leave them all on the sidelines. Yeah, so we invented the 15 kid version of football, but you don’t see me braying about it (and looking at the excerpt was there ever really a “Molly Flutter” Please..
#2 is Debbie does Dallas
Incorrect, Roberto. I believe #2 is “T-Jack Sucks And Childress Blows.”
#10 is Barton Fink. Great film, but no one I know (except me and my wife) have seen it.
SCH: I believe #2 is a better QB than T-Joke
jama:
Interesting that he’s ranked higher than the QB of the Mighty Notre Dame. Is an NBC contract for exclusively showing Gopher games in the future?
And #9 is for the kids. I mean, from The Hudsucker Proxy.
And finally, after thinking of all the damn Coen Bros movies and not coming up wit it, #1 has to be from Blood Simple. Can’t find the DVD anywhere (I think it’s out of print) but saw the film in a re-release a few years ago in the theater.
Dave - do you think Weber should be higher/where he is/lower?
Dearest Mr. William Bray,
I got your Miss Molly Flutter right here.
Yours Truly,
CS
Clarence, does she live up to her name ??
Clarence,
1) + infinity
2) Your use of “dong” is preferred over Joker’s
3) What, no Matt Stairs?
SCH: I think Weber’s placement is fair based on what we’ve seen so far this season. I think it’s appropriate to say that he’s in the upper 50% of starting Division I QBs.
However, I think Weber is going to have a big challenge ahead with such a young offensive line. It will be telling to see how his decision making is affected by having less time in the pocket. Hopefully, he can keep the turnovers to a minimum (the first two games have been promising in this respect), but I can’t say I’m totally sold yet.
#5 is No Country for Old Men, right?
Sorry, #6, not #5.
#6 is No Country for Old Men.
In my very limited Weber-watching I’ve been impressed. With a better squad around him, I’d think he could be higher. That said, I’ve read about several performances that weren’t as good as those I witnessed.
CS = Now over 253 years of schooling [redacteds].
answers for the curious:
1. Blood Simple
2. Big Lebowski
3. Fargo
4. The Man Who wasn’t there (the third-best Coen movie behind No Country and TBL)
5. Raising Arizona
6. No Country for Old Men
7. O Brother Where Art Thou
8. Intolerable Cruelty
9. Hudsucker Proxy
10. Barton Fink
the third-best Coen movie behind No Country and TBL
Miller’s Crossing wants to know what the frak you’re talking about.
Nicely done, Professor Rand. You only missed a couple movies:
The Ladykillers: “Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability.”
Miller’s Crossing: “You double-cross once - where’s it all end? An interesting ethical question.”
I don’t even know why I bother to read these; I suck at them.
Ty - do you own leather pants?
