Clarence Swamptown ran uncontested in last week’s COW voting. The result? Right about now.

Looks like Friday’s no-bid COW contract caused some controversy. I was totally planning on voting for Deacon’s “Yale4Life” comment (that was great), even though the last time I fell for a guy posing as a female student on the internet I ended up on television.

Let’s try a second installment of what I am going to call “The Best Of: Places Not Trendy Or Kitschy Enough For Mpls-St. Paul Magazine To Visit, But Whatever, And Forget Mpls-St. Paul Magazine Anyways.” (TBOPNTOKEFMSPMTVBWAFMSPMA?). Last time we focused on regional bars. In honor of fasolamatt, let’s discuss pizza:

1. Reno’s — Rosemount, Minn. As the ancient Romans would say: “Prima dominos spe dominos amoris” (a man compares all future pizzas to his first pizza love). This was my first pizza love. It’s greasier than Visanthe’s fingers. If that bothers you, just sop it up with your purse, princess.

2. Duane’s - Fargo, ND. Get the large, double-crust pepperoni with extra sauce and you will not be disappointed. We should quickly discuss the squares vs. slices debate. I’m dovish on this issue. I prefer slices but, hey, there ain’t no good guy and there ain’t no bad guy, there’s only squares and slices, and we just disagree. If you must follow a fascist Slice Doctrine, just ask the server to have it cut that way. You can criticize a pizza because it has crappy ingredients. Don’t avoid or disparage a place simply because of the way it cuts its pizza (Posnanski, I’m looking at you).

3. Dave’s - Bemidji, Minn. Another corner joint with great pizza. It was here that I saw my first video game embedded into a table so you can eat your pizza and play at the same time, one of the most underrated technological advances of the 20th century.

Honorable mention: Ole Piper, Lakeville, Minn. Pheasant Inn, Siren, Wis. The 10 Spot, Royalton, Minn.

Your TBOPNTOKEFMSPMTVBWAFMSPMA pizza suggestions are appreciated.

[Proprietor vote: Rafferty’s in Nisswa, Brainerd and Crosslake].

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