Stensation’s hilarious, disturbing dream
Posted on September 15th, 2008 – 11:00 AMBy Michael Rand
In addition to being a RandBall contributor, Stensation works under our strict control on the high school sports team. Perhaps this is a sign that we need to dial things down just a little on the work intensity. (Remember, this comes on the heels of our Talance Sawyer dream). Stensation?
Am I thinking about work too much? Perhaps it’s because this is among the best times of the year for a sports fan, what with baseball playoffs on the horizon, NFL, college and high school football well into swing and the NHL and NBA about to open camp. Or am I reading RandBall too much, lamenting on his dream about covering the Twin Cities sports market while living in the quick-paced world that is NYC? Maybe I’m just nuts. Whatever the reason, the following* is a synopsis of a dream I had a few nights back:
The Scene: County Stadium — Milwaukee, Wisconsin (which, mind you, is now a parking lot).
The Situation: I, Stensation, am the only Star Tribune employee available to cover Game 7 of the World Series between the Twins and Brewers. Where’s Rand? Where’s LENIII and Joe C? Where’s Reusse? Where’s Sid? Heck, if this is a dream sequence, where’s Barreiro? Who knows. To that end, it is my job to write the game story, the sidebar story, the columns, the insider notes and the full notebook for the Newspaper of the Twin Cities. Yes, Twin Cities sports readers depend on me! Flabbergasted at all this work, I spend far too much time in the press box and not nearly enough on the field. By the time I get my act together after the game (I have no clue who wins, by the way) I have but one source for my umpteen stories: The Twins’ bat boy. He’s not worth a [redacted] for anything worthwhile. So in a complete panic I look wherever I can for information.
The Solution: I find a door adjacent to the Brewers’ club house. Through there, the Green Bay Packers are getting set to play a game. In the far corner, I find the Green and Gold’s quarterback — none other than Michael Rand (wearing, for whatever reason, No. 3. And, I guess, answering why he was unavailable to write this particular day). From an information standpoint, he is worthless. He’s in the zone, of course, and does not want to talk baseball. I am, thus, screwed.
The Sanity: At this point, I vaguely remember looking to a row of jock straps hanging from the ceiling of the Packers’ locker room. And (I kid you not) shortly after waking up in a sweat-filled panic. I’ve never been more relieved that my work day is still 5+ hours from beginning. And that a Twins/Brewers World Series is a far-fetched idea. Although, how cool would it be to see CC back facing Mauer and Morneau in a game that really mattered?
* Proprietor laughed hysterically upon hearing this story.
So, um:
1) Feel free to deconstruct that one.
2) Any strange dreams you’d care to share? (Just keep on walking, Joker. No need to stop here).
33 Responses to "Stensation’s hilarious, disturbing dream"
Take it easy, Stensation. Why don’t you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.
/easy anchorman quote
Sounds like it is about time for you to send Rand an email quitting, then call the St. Paul paper to give them the story and begin a career as an internet blogger.
Deconstruction:
“The Situation: I, Stensation, am the only Star Tribune employee available to cover Game 7 of the World Series between the Twins and Brewersleft. “
The jockstraps represent your repressed desire to have relations with Prince Fielder. Shapoopy, take that to the bank.
DANCE!
Where’s Reusse? Where’s Sid?
If this is truly a dream, they’ve retired.
Not sure it touches my peyote-driven Erin Andrews dream but the vision of one Michael Rand captaining the Packers offense is pretty darn funny. One question: Who fills out the green and gold uniform better, Aaron Rodgers or Rand?
He’s in the zone, of course, and does not want to talk baseball.
Not now chief…
At this point, I vaguely remember looking to a row of jock straps hanging from the ceiling of the Packers’ locker room.
So it’s kind of like that scene in Braveheart in the barn, except scarier.
I think I played Stensation in the Randball Lite league this week. I hope this dream happened before we played and he didn’t start Aaron Rodgers.*
*I don’t know who is on Sten’s team or my team for that matter but I’m sure I won.
This will probable be the basis for Rand’s 2nd screenplay that he writes. It will be called One Man’s Dream and star James Van Der Beek as Stensation and Keanu Reeves as Mike Rand.
Keanu Reeves is much to good of an actor to play Mike Rand. I was thinking David Spade.
I don’t think the budget will be high enough for either Spade or Reeves, and you’ll probably end up with Eric Webster playing Rand.
“This will probable be the basis for Rand’s 2nd screenplay that he writes.”
Hold the phone, there was a first? I was wondering why Hannah Montana Goes to Prison never made it to the big screen.
Keanu Reeves is the best actor/QB ever. This discussion begins and ends with Point Break.
I know he’s a big shot and all but can’t Mike Rand be played by Mike Rand? He does have experience with all those “Good Sports” spots.
I already shared the one I had where a faceless Stu comes to my house, helps me clean, and then we eat pie in a church basement. Stu, let me know if you have time to kill on your next trip to Tempe. My grout could use a good scrub.
I was wondering why Hannah Montana Goes to Prison never made it to the big screen
Hmmm…good premise, budding young superstar lead…what could have gone wrong?
Oh, Joker, you forgot that it was called “American Pie: Hannah Montana Goes to Prison”, and accordingly went straight to DVD.
How long before “One Night in Montana” comes out? Joker aren’t you producing that?
jama: I think he was going with the working title of “Hannah does Montana”
“My grout could use a good scrub.” Not touching that one.
My grout could use a good scrub.
Just to be clear, that’s not a metaphor, right?
“My grout could use a good scrub.” Not touching that one.
That’s quite possibly the grossest “euphemism” for relations/congress/[redacted] that I’ve ever heard.
Dammit.
jama: No, but now I want to.
“My grout could use a good scrub.”
Is that what Women are calling it these days? I date someone for 2 months and COMPLETELY fall out of the loop. I’d ask P3 but he’s never seen a woman naked.
“Eat pie in a church basement” is a new one to me as well…but Arizona apparently has its own way of saying things.
““My grout could use a good scrub.” Not touching that one.”
The phrase or AZ’s “grout”
If Stu doesn’t have a face how can he “eat pie”? Are we talking Cherry pie? Does AZGoperGuy no about this?
*know not no
I was talking tile floors, gentlemen. Don’t rile up the Comely Mrs. Stu over nothing.
P.S. Ask your wives or SLFs sometime whether they would prefer that you scrub her grout or “scrub her grout”. You may be surprised at the answer.
“P.S. Ask your wives or SLFs sometime whether they would prefer that you scrub her grout or “scrub her grout”. You may be surprised at the answer.”
Don’t do this! It’s a trick! That question falls in the same pile as her asking you “Do these jeans make my butt look huge?” and “How many women have you slept with? Really you can honest, I won’t get mad…”
P.S. Ask your wives or SLFs sometime whether they would prefer that you scrub her grout or “scrub her grout”. You may be surprised at the answer.
Both at the same time? You’re right, I would be surprised…
Ask your wives or SLFs sometime whether they would prefer that you scrub her grout or “scrub her grout”. You may be surprised at the answer.
The GG from AZ speaks true. While stressing out during the second half yesterday, I cleaned the living room (not a metaphor) to give myself something to do besides rant and drink. The CMS was quite pleased. Now, I understand certain RandBallers have no interest in domestic, monogamous bliss, but this is for those like Ookie and David who are treading carefully into the breach (also not a metaphor).
