Kubel = Nightcrawler edition: Wha’ Happened?
Posted on September 24th, 2008 – 8:00 AMBy Michael Rand
One of the beauties of baseball is how through the ebb and flow of a long season, things often manage to get tied together neatly near the end. Example: Careful readers might recall our friend Mike, who in early April made the rash decision to declare he would buy a Jason Kubel jersey if the Twins’ batter delivered a home run in his impending at bat. Next pitch, upper deck, and the rest is history (Mike weaseled out of it a little by purchasing a T-shirt jersey, but still: great moment that forced Mike to adopt Kubel as one of his favorite Twins). The Kubel thing was a running joke for a while, but honestly we started thinking less and less about it — until Tuesday night. Kubel, of course, went yard twice (and added a triple), and we immediately thought of Mike. He was obviously thinking the same thing because when we went to check our phone after the game was over, there was one text message. We almost knew instinctively what it was; sure enough, it was from him, and all it said was, “Kubel!”
That led us to a search of Baseball Reference, one of the greatest web sites out there not only because of the information but because for as little as $3-10 or so, you can sponsor a player’s page for a year. Reading through the sponsorships is a great way to pass the time. (Many are sponsored by bloggers, actually, but sometimes you stumble upon some real unexpected gems). We decided to check the Kubel page to see if he was available. Sadly, he was not; happily, it appears he has been sponsored by someone equally smitten with the DH. It gives the young man’s name and this sentence:
“Jason Kubel is my hero. Like if Nightcrawler was real and played baseball.”
We didn’t know who Nightcrawler was until a quick Wiki search produced some X-Men knowledge. Now we have a means for comparison:
A mutant of German extraction, Nightcrawler possesses superhuman agility and the ability to teleport. His physical mutations include blue skin, three-toed and -fingered feet and hands, yellow eyes, and a prehensile tail. In Nightcrawler’s earlier comic book appearances he is depicted as being a happy-go-lucky practical joker and teaser, and a fan of swashbuckling fiction.
Kubel, in the same style:
A left-handed hitter of South Dakotan extraction, Jason Kubel possesses above-average bat speed and the ability to hit the ball into the seats. His physical attributes include a shaggy beard, a surgically repaired knee, five-toed and -fingered feet and hands (we believe), patient eyes and a keen sense for drama. In Kubel’s earlier Twins’ appearances, he is depicted as a happy-go-lucky but sometimes underachieving player trying to recover from a major injury, and a fan of swasbuckling turns around the bases.
Same guy.
Fasola-link! The 10 greatest sports calls of all-time.
36 Responses to "Kubel = Nightcrawler edition: Wha’ Happened?"
No truth to the rumor that the American Arsonists Association sponsors Matt Guerrier’s page.
A mutant of German extraction
Finally, an explanation for Mike Redmond.
And I used to think I-90 was the best thing to come out of South Dakota.
How much wood is considered acceptable for watching your favorite player hit two dingers?
Being a SD native, I feel in necessary to say that, yes, Jason Kubel was born in SD but he was not there long. He was raised in Cali. So you may still be right Brandon.
“How much wood is considered acceptable for watching your favorite player hit two dingers?”
That’s what she said
*SCH may be right. Brandon that is very very wrong.(At least according to the Republicans)
FYI, I bought a notepad with “That’s What She Said” emblazened on each page. Shop the Target dollar section for all your The Office stationery needs.
Jason Kubel is my hero. Like if Nightcrawler was real and played baseball.
Sounds like a comedy pyramid starter kit to me. I’ll begin:
Michael Rand is my hero. Like if Peter Parker was real and derived his power from devouring chicken wings.
Stu:
I like try this one.
Stue is my hero. Like if devouring his mom’s meatloaf on a daily basis was like eating Popeye’s spinach.
*I like. Try this one.
*Stu
/rough night
Rocket is my hero: Like if Robert Frost thought haikus were the preferred poetic form and derived his power from ridiculing STU.
Dave MN is my hero: Like if Screech Powers were real and derived his blogging powers by trying every beer known to man.
Nick Punto is my hero. Like if David Eckstein was real and really got out there and competed.
P3 is my hero: Like if garbled ramblings were hip and derived his power from Thompsons waterseal.
The end of the world is near. The Lions have finally made a move. it’s only 2 WR’s and 3 coaches too late.
P3 is my hero. Like if reading what he has to say was interesting like stu and Rocket’s haikus
Boof Bonser is my hero. Like if John Goodman and Roseanne had a love child that could throw 94 mph right down the middle with no movement.
Nick Coleman is my hero. Like if Upton Sinclair were real and derived his power from wearing turtlenecks.
@SCH:
Bob Barker > I-90
@Jama:
605 represent!
Timberhill
Pat O’Brien> Tom Brokaw> Bob Barker
East or West 605?
Access Vikings commenters are my heroes. Like if they all met in a room, it would be like this (audio NSFW)
Gus Frerotte is my hero. Like if the year was 1991 and I was a freshman at the University of Tulsa.
Not only is “One of the beauties of baseball is how through the ebb and flow of a long season, things often manage to get tied together” but whether it be a long game, series or entire season, whenever a team comes from behind it almost always is far more exciting than that team playing from the lead. Don’t know why…maybe it’s the UnderDog in us all…esp. up here 
All was well with the world after last night as Nicky Punto got his chance to slide into first base again..
(Which is pretty much what my txt msg to Sassbottom said last night)
The long national nightmare is over?
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3606294
Sorry–jama beat me to it.
“Sorry–jama beat me to it.”
That’s because jama is now going to be a Lions fan.
Well if the Lions turn things around, someone in the North has to be inept. I’m pretty sure we know who that is going to be.
It’s worth remembering that the Lions sucked before Matt Millen got there, and will continue sucking as days get shorter and nights get longer. It’s science, people.
Matt Millen is my hero. Like if Gil Gunderson was real, and he somehow convinced William Clay Ford, Sr. that picking Wide Receivers (like Coleco computers) was the wave of the future.
I actually found Aarongleeman.com through an ad on Baseball-reference.com about 4 years ago! He sponsored Johan Santana’s page.
@Jama:
East 605
Also, I sold popcorn to Pat O’Brien at a movie theater in high school. Pretty sure he was trying to pound freshman poon later that evening.
Disappointed to see that “And we’ll see you tomorrow night!” didn’t even get an honorable mention on the Top-10 list.
Tuna Can, stop stealing my lines.
Let’s play Fill in the Blog!
Clay Aiken is gay, and now Matt Millen is fired? What’s next — [insert punchline here]?
