On the strength of his “Reading …” series last week, Stu was the people’s choice for Commenter Of the Week. We still hope Jama will provide a Bears-themed preview for later this week. For now: Stu delivers as only he can. Stu?

All That You Know Is at an End

I’m no eschatologist, but it’s ever more clear that we are, all of us, living in the End Times. The signs that the Four Horses are saddled up and out of the barn are there for those willing to see:

· Horseman #1: Apparently, no banks anywhere have any money now, and we’ll soon be switching to a barter system involving goats, daughters who can fetch a nice dowry, and used CD copies of the Chumbawamba record that had “Tubthumping” on it.

· Horseman #2: For the second week in a row, the #1 movie in America is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. It has grossed $52.5 million. You’ll be forgiven to take a moment now to let out a cleansing scream over the death of the American mind.

· Horseman #3: The Minnesota Vikings have been on the positive end of dicey officiating for two consecutive weeks, which means next week’s Sports Huddle will have as its topic the merits and faults of the neutral zone trap.

Horseman #4, though, is the one that has me stockpiling canned goods and perusing back issues of Soldier of Fortune: Minnesota Golden Gophers football is relevant. What. Thee. [Redacted]?

Who saw this coming? Brewster? No way. His job is to be upbeat and sell the faithful a bill of goods, not to actually believe it. I have to imagine that everyone in that locker room is just as surprised as the rest of us.

You might say that we’ve been here before with Glen Mason, who would get teams off to hot starts and into the Top 25, only to spit the bit in an epic fashion against Michigan or Wisconsin or (ed. note: rest of long, long list redacted to prevent heart failure). I would dispute that. Those teams were expected to do well. They had Marion Barber and Laurence Maroney. They ultimately ended up booking flights to El Paso or Nashville for the holidays.

This team, though, is anonymous, although Decker and Van De Steeg (SILVER LAKE! WOOOO!) are doing their best to change that. The high-end expectation was 3-4 wins, total. And now, after winning a road game (!) in conference (!!) against a quality opponent (!!!11!1!1!ZOMG11eleven!11!), they’re set up to play a bowl game somewhere you’d actually like to be. In January. Un-friggin-believable.

Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if they fall flat on their face, go 1-4 in the last five, and end up in the Motor City Bowl. However, it would be even less surprising if they didn’t collapse. Their last five games (at Purdue, home against Northwestern and what used to be Michigan, at shellshocked Wisconsin, home against Iowa) look…winnable. Every one of them. I don’t think they’ll run the table, but three or four victories seems more than reasonable.

To reiterate: the least surprising outcome for the Gopher football season will be 9-3 or 10-2. Bring on the locusts.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 13th, 2008 at 1:15 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.