We are getting set Sunday for our annual Vikings fans vs. Packers fans touch football game. To get you up to speed on the rivalry, here is a look at the scouting report on the known participants for the Purple side:

RandBall
“He won’t officially be named the starting QB until the first huddle,” one insider said, “but he will volunteer for the first series and hold onto the job with a death grip. He’ll lobby for ‘one more series’ anytime anyone suggests a switch. On defense, he’s not a bad cover corner, but he’s never owned a pair of football cleats. That’s just dumb.”

Rocket
“He’s built more like a classic blocking tight end,” one scout said. “But in a 5-Mississippi game, those skills aren’t as critical. He winds up being more of a possession, slot-type receiver. He slides when he makes just about every catch, which cuts down on his YAC. But his hands aren’t bad. And he’s a lefty. Some people don’t know that. On defense, he likes to either play free safety or rush the passer. In essence, he prefers any position but cornerback, which is the one defensive position in touch football that demands some accountability.”

Crentist
“Now there’s a speed guy,” an insider concluded. “Doesn’t like to get hit. Never worked a hard day in his life. He’s going to dental school and studying teeth for cripe’s sake. But he’ll run a nice post route and has pretty reliable hands. He’s also guaranteed to be wearing some weird Vikings jersey. That’s just how he rolls.”

Mystery man
“I always thought his game was poker; in fact, I never ever knew he went outside. This should be interesting,” a scout concluded. “He’s built a little like what’s-his-face, the guy who ripped his pants at the crotch trying to jump over the fence to get onto the field a few years back. His hamstring is waiting to be pulled.”

The Ganso
“A tried-and-true North Dakotan, so nobody questions his work ethic. His best position is probably corner, though nobody has really seen him play there for about 10 years,” an opposing coach said. “On offense, he’ll have one or two plays where you want to wring his neck. But he’s a competitor. He should be helped by the fact that his brother isn’t playing. Those two have worse on-field chemistry than Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent. A real powderkeg.”

Overall
“Well, these guys aren’t getting any younger. They could really use an influx of either talent, speed or both,” one GM grumbled.

“They’re driving to Hudson to play?” a scout wondered aloud. “Who thought that was a good idea?”

“Tell you one thing,” another scout concluded. “All these [redacteds] are going to be sore as [redacted] when this game is over.”

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