The Monday Meltdown with Drew Magary: Skullet, Sapp and Science

Posted on December 1st, 2008 – 9:16 AM
By Michael Rand

meltdown.jpgWe know you missed it last week, so this go-round we teamed up with Drew Magary — a Vikings fan living in Washington D.C., a noted author and blogger, a man about town and an intense consumer of all things classified as “snacks” — for something of a running diary/e-mail exchange from last night’s Vikings/Bears game. It pretty much starts in the second quarter, when the teams decided that punting every two minutes wasn’t going to be much fun and Drew’s other obligations ceased. Here we go:

RB (7:43 p.m.): Nice tackling.
RB (7:54 p.m.): Don’t touch the [redacted] ball 58!!!
DM (8:09 p.m) Agreed.
RB (8:12 p.m.): I want T-Jack. Frerotte is a statue.
DM (8:22 p.m.) Slap yourself for ever thinking this. Everyone forgets the first two games, where the team literally could not pass the ball.
RB (8:34 p.m.): I cannot recall a more infuriating game. And it’s only 24 minutes in.
RB (8:37 p.m.): Never mind. Holy [redacted redacted].
DM (8:38 p.m.): YEEEEEARGHHHH
RB (8:40) Seriously, I go from wanting to kill Bennie Sapp to not believing they stopped them 4 plays from the 1 to a 99-yard perfect bomb. I can’t remember a bigger swing.
DM (9:08): That [redacted] Sapp penalty. You know I didn’t even know we were the most penalized team in the NFL? Christ almighty. Couple more things: Great to see Randle back at the Dome. Also, the challenged spot on the punt was a fair call, but what was our guy charging in for? Again, crummy coaching. The goal line stand made me want to jump through the ceiling. AWESOME.
DM (9:10): RE: The Berrian catch. Never been so pleased to lose a fantasy football game.
RB (9:11): Another thing: Purple Jesus has been a beast today. After the first five or six carries, he got that “putting the team on my back” thing going again. Seriously, he has had three runs today that make me want to have his children. And as far as I know, that’s not possible.
DM (9:14): It IS possible. His sperm are that versatile. They can impregnate OTHER sperm.
RB (9:21): Jared Allen’s haircut is … mercy, what is it?
DM (9:22): SKULLET!
RB (9:23): Chicken McNuggets should always be on the dollar menu. That’s a fact.
DM (9:27): Ruh-roh.
RB (9:27): Well, there’s Frerotte’s weekly crippling pick.
RB (9:38): Thank you, Cap’n Neckbeard!
DM (9:42): WOOOHOOOOOOO
RB (9:43): Really nice play call there. Gotta give them credit. Bring Peterson out, I’m thinking pass. Instead, Taylor runs the stretch to perfection.
DM (9:44): They have their moments.
RB (9:46): Now go for the throat, right here. This is the time when a team that means business knocks a team out.
DM (9:49): No dice.
/looks at last 3 games on schedule
/has heart attack
RB (10:02): yep. But if they win tonight and beat the Lions, and the Bears win at home against the Packers but still lose one other game, the Vikings really just need to win one of those final three to win the division. I did the math. Third tiebreaker is common opponent and they would win that by a game. GB losing to New Orleans and Carolina kills them. However, if GB wins at Chicago they could still be pesky because they would have the tiebreaker with a 5-1 division record.
DM (10:02): That Lions game is no gimme.
RB (10:03): Well, I hope you saw that strip coming a mile away. The most predictable strip encounter since Leitch and Daulerio.
DM (10:03): I did. But it was OOB.
RB (10:04): i know … it’s frightening. But man are [the Lions] awful. Did you watch the Thanksgiving game? They might lose to Ball State. Put them in the Motor City Bowl and relegate them if they lose.
DM (10:06): The Lions stink, but they KNOW this game is the only game left they can win.
RB (10:11): Couldn’t even stop them with 12 guys. Bad-um chah!
DM (10:12): When it rains, it pours.
DM (10:18): GAHHHHHH TAKE PJ OUT!!!!
RB (10:19): yep. Chester would be just fine now. Nah, on second thought, let’s send the limping franchise guy out there.

And that’s where it ends. It starts with massive complaining and ends with massive complaining. In the middle is a 20-point victory. Yep, sounds like a Vikings game. Anyone else have thoughts to add?

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