The Monday Meltdown with Drew Magary: Skullet, Sapp and Science
Posted on December 1st, 2008 – 9:16 AMBy Michael Rand
We know you missed it last week, so this go-round we teamed up with Drew Magary — a Vikings fan living in Washington D.C., a noted author and blogger, a man about town and an intense consumer of all things classified as “snacks” — for something of a running diary/e-mail exchange from last night’s Vikings/Bears game. It pretty much starts in the second quarter, when the teams decided that punting every two minutes wasn’t going to be much fun and Drew’s other obligations ceased. Here we go:
RB (7:43 p.m.): Nice tackling.
RB (7:54 p.m.): Don’t touch the [redacted] ball 58!!!
DM (8:09 p.m) Agreed.
RB (8:12 p.m.): I want T-Jack. Frerotte is a statue.
DM (8:22 p.m.) Slap yourself for ever thinking this. Everyone forgets the first two games, where the team literally could not pass the ball.
RB (8:34 p.m.): I cannot recall a more infuriating game. And it’s only 24 minutes in.
RB (8:37 p.m.): Never mind. Holy [redacted redacted].
DM (8:38 p.m.): YEEEEEARGHHHH
RB (8:40) Seriously, I go from wanting to kill Bennie Sapp to not believing they stopped them 4 plays from the 1 to a 99-yard perfect bomb. I can’t remember a bigger swing.
DM (9:08): That [redacted] Sapp penalty. You know I didn’t even know we were the most penalized team in the NFL? Christ almighty. Couple more things: Great to see Randle back at the Dome. Also, the challenged spot on the punt was a fair call, but what was our guy charging in for? Again, crummy coaching. The goal line stand made me want to jump through the ceiling. AWESOME.
DM (9:10): RE: The Berrian catch. Never been so pleased to lose a fantasy football game.
RB (9:11): Another thing: Purple Jesus has been a beast today. After the first five or six carries, he got that “putting the team on my back” thing going again. Seriously, he has had three runs today that make me want to have his children. And as far as I know, that’s not possible.
DM (9:14): It IS possible. His sperm are that versatile. They can impregnate OTHER sperm.
RB (9:21): Jared Allen’s haircut is … mercy, what is it?
DM (9:22): SKULLET!
RB (9:23): Chicken McNuggets should always be on the dollar menu. That’s a fact.
DM (9:27): Ruh-roh.
RB (9:27): Well, there’s Frerotte’s weekly crippling pick.
RB (9:38): Thank you, Cap’n Neckbeard!
DM (9:42): WOOOHOOOOOOO
RB (9:43): Really nice play call there. Gotta give them credit. Bring Peterson out, I’m thinking pass. Instead, Taylor runs the stretch to perfection.
DM (9:44): They have their moments.
RB (9:46): Now go for the throat, right here. This is the time when a team that means business knocks a team out.
DM (9:49): No dice.
/looks at last 3 games on schedule
/has heart attack
RB (10:02): yep. But if they win tonight and beat the Lions, and the Bears win at home against the Packers but still lose one other game, the Vikings really just need to win one of those final three to win the division. I did the math. Third tiebreaker is common opponent and they would win that by a game. GB losing to New Orleans and Carolina kills them. However, if GB wins at Chicago they could still be pesky because they would have the tiebreaker with a 5-1 division record.
DM (10:02): That Lions game is no gimme.
RB (10:03): Well, I hope you saw that strip coming a mile away. The most predictable strip encounter since Leitch and Daulerio.
DM (10:03): I did. But it was OOB.
RB (10:04): i know … it’s frightening. But man are [the Lions] awful. Did you watch the Thanksgiving game? They might lose to Ball State. Put them in the Motor City Bowl and relegate them if they lose.
DM (10:06): The Lions stink, but they KNOW this game is the only game left they can win.
RB (10:11): Couldn’t even stop them with 12 guys. Bad-um chah!
DM (10:12): When it rains, it pours.
DM (10:18): GAHHHHHH TAKE PJ OUT!!!!
RB (10:19): yep. Chester would be just fine now. Nah, on second thought, let’s send the limping franchise guy out there.
And that’s where it ends. It starts with massive complaining and ends with massive complaining. In the middle is a 20-point victory. Yep, sounds like a Vikings game. Anyone else have thoughts to add?
10 Responses to "The Monday Meltdown with Drew Magary: Skullet, Sapp and Science"
Chris Kluwe got screwed in the skills competition of the evening. I think our special teams players are some of the dumbest [redacted]s in the league. Then again, that’s probably the only way someone will run down the field at eleventy-billion miles an hour in the hopes of having a potentially career-ending collision. Brain cells are in short order.
Adrian Peterson is the most terrifying player in football. The guy was smeared with blood for [redacted]’s sake! I can’t believe he’s a Viking.
RB (9:21): Jared Allen’s haircut is … mercy, what is it?
DM (9:22): SKULLET!
3 sacks for Jared Allen = all business… except for the brief party in the back.
Reducing your email exchange to just the cursing and yelling pretty much sums up my feelings during the game:
Holy [redacted redacted].
YEEEEEARGHHHH.
Christ almighty.
AWESOME.
Ruh-roh.
WOOOHOOOOOOO.
GAHHHHHH TAKE PJ OUT!!!!
Also, I was saying last night that Purple Jesus is the only running back whose runs are accurately described by “gallop”. An 18-yard gallop by Peterson! Half of his runs are spent in the air.
TO: loveofthegame4@yahoo.com
FROM: turducken1@gmail.com
CC: pking@si.com
SUBJECT: FYI
Brett,
Sorry, but it’s over. I’ve met someone.
Peter, he’s all yours.
XOXO,
John
I’m shaving only the top of my head before the next marathon. I bet I can break an hour with those aerodynamics.
Madden had some incredible moments of incoherence last night, including his indictment of the officials following the late hit on Frerotte and his defense of Jared Allen’s dead ball calf roping celebration. I’m usually able to tune Madden out but last night he was really in the zone, which is to say he was beyond terrible and borderline committable. Good times.
I thought those two moments–criticizing the refs for not calling a blatent late hit, and criticizing the league for getting fine happy–were the best announcing I’ve heard in years.
Latte-
You’re crazy, Madden was insightful last night. He mentioned repeatedly that Lovie Smith thinks AP is the best PLAYER in football, not just the best running back. Where else are you going to get that kind of inside information beaten into you head? Collinsworth? I think not!
