By Michael Rand
We started out trying to muster up some outrage about how NFL players who are suspended for drug violations don’t face the same “you ruined the game, the sky is falling!” treatment as baseball players. But that’s no fun. Then we tried to feel bad for the guys who broke the rules, which seems to be a dominant sentiment. It’s understandable since these are just diuretics we’re talking about. But at the end of the day, they broke clearly stated rules. We’re neutral. Could have gone either way. Maybe a two-game suspension would have been a nice compromise, but that opens up a whole new set of problems for future cases. So, after those failed attempts at seriousness, we decided that our only recourse was to suggest a new Pro Bowl format this year. Ready: players whose reputations have been tarnished vs. anyone else. Forget this whole conference business. Let’s inject some life into a game that nobody cares about. And you know what? Could be a pretty good game. Let’s attempt to go position-by-position. Keep in mind, we’re trying to honor the most recent transgressions as much as possible. As always, there is room for more suggestions in the comments.
Brett Favre: Damaged his image beyond repair this offseason, but can still sling it.
Deuce McAllister: StarCaps.
Tatum Bell: Luggage thief.
Ahmad Bradshaw: Was at the club with Plaxico.
Plaxico Burress: Might have to miss the game; will send Harris Smith as his proxy if he can be pried away from Applebee’s.
Matt Jones: Felony cocaine charges; hearing on three-game suspension is Thursday.
Chad Ocho Cinco: General clownishness, lack of productivity
Kellen Winslow: One-game team suspension for ripping GM and owner.
Terrence Metcalf (Bears): Four-game steroids suspension
Richie Incognito: Meltdown for Rams against Washington led to $35K fine and nearly cost team game
Bryan Pittman (Houston, long snapper): StarCaps
Bryant McKinnie: Night club incident, suspension, etc.
Williams Wall (see above picture), Charles Grant and Will Smith: StarCaps.
Antonio Pierce: A known club associate of Harris Smith.
Darryl Blackstock (Bengals): Four-game performance-enhancing drug suspension.
Odell Thurman (Bengals): Season-long substance suspension, plus arrest in water park altercation.
Pacman Jones: Six-game suspension, all-time roster spot.
Bernard Pollard: Chiefs Safety knocked Tom Brady out for season.
Fabian Washington (Baltimore): One-game suspension for domestic violence arrest.
Martin Gramatica: Blew Vikings game, then went on IR two days later.
Head coach: Mike Singletary
Fasola-link! A president picks his cabinet.