By Michael Rand
For his lengthy comment about a commenter dance-off, Rocket has been named the Commenter Of the Week. He has chosen to use his space as a continuation on that theme. Rocket, take it away:
The date: Sometime in late 2009
The location: A cable-access television set, replete with a few old couches and an exceptionally boring, black curtain backdrop
After an intro showing the contestants making some of their best moves, a star wipe brings us to a “RandBall Commenter Dance-Off” graphic superimposed on the studio. The graphic fades and the director counts down to RandBall: “3…2…1…”
RandBall: And welcome to the season ending wrap-up show for the first, and hopefully not last, “RandBall Commenter Dance-Off.” We’ve brought back all of the contestants to chat with them a little bit about what they’ve loved, learned, and injured during the first season. Let’s start with the first round lose … Well, let’s not call them losers. Let’s just say they didn’t win. At all. First up is Stu. Stu, you were an early favorite coming in but you just didn’t have a successful routine. What happened out there?
Stu: Well, I really thought that Feist’s “One, Two, Three, Four” would help me count out the beat. Unfortunately, all it did was make me look like an even more incompetent Wasswa Serwanga.
RB: All too true, Stu. All too true. Let’s turn to Jon. Jon, lots of insiders thought you had a real shot at this competition as well. But your decision to wear full goalie equipment proved to be an insurmountable mistake. What went into your completely dreadful decision-making process?
Jon: I don’t know why Rocket is banging on me so much about hockey. He loves hockey just as much as anybody else.
RB: Very true. Rocket is nothing if not a complete hypocrite who is willing to sell out someone for an easy joke. Speaking of easy jokes … Jama, you had a rough time out there. What went wrong?
Jama: Actually, I had forgotten that the competition was on the day that it was. So, I had started my regular routine of drinking early and heavily to try to forget that Will Furrer once started a game at quarterback for the Bears. Once my, “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” alarm watch reminded me that it was competition time I was well over the legal limit. The best I could do under those conditions was rise to a Peter Tom Willis level of competency. And that ain’t sayin’ much.
RB: Too true. Too true. What about you, Fasolamatt? You injured yourself less than 10 seconds into your routine. How ya feelin’?
Fasolamatt: To tell you the truth, I’m still in a great deal of pain. I haven’t left the couch for weeks. Luckily, C-Dog has been bringing me bacon as I’ve been immobilized on the couch.
RB: Well, that’s depressing. I’m tired of all of the depression and I’m tired of all of these losers. Let’s talk to some folks who managed to make it past the first round. Brandon, you made it past the first round but then you lost in the semi-finals. Some of our good friends as RandBall Prospectus have calculated your RandBall Dance-Off Dextremeawesity Rating at .753. For those who may not know, a Dextremeawesity Rating is a complicated formula used to measure a contestant’s dexterity, extremeness, awesomeness, and overall ability to perform in the clutch. What will you need to work on in the off-season to get your RBDODR over the .800 mark?
Brandon: Shut the [redacted] up.
RB: Okaaaaay… This is live, public access television, so we can’t really edit that out. Let’s just turn to Joker. Joker, you had some early success, but you weren’t able to sustain anything meaningful or long term. It didn’t always feel like you were ready to settle down and commit to this venture. Why was that?
Joker: I don’t know. I just kept trying to dance like my hair was on fire. Apparently some chicks don’t go for that.
RB: Great to know. Now let’s turn to our finalists. AZGopherGirl, you had a terrific run and you seemed to be popular with many of our viewers. However, your choice to wear a game-worn Hosea Crittenden jersey during the finals got you busted by Us Magazine’s “fashion police.” What do you say to the charges?
AZGopherGirl: I am going to kill those [redacteds] …
RB: ALL RIGHTY THEN! Let’s just turn our attention to our first season’s winner. Rocket, you really dazzled them with your medley of Young MC, Digital Underground, and Tone Loc. What was the secret to your success?
Rocket: It was simple. I busted a humpty medina and it was all over. I am awesome.