Guest post COW: Rocket, Part I — Baby Sideburns
Posted on June 2nd, 2009 – 1:57 PMBy Michael Rand

It’s safe to say that the Commenter Of the Week, Rocket, has exceeded his 300-word quota. But hey, he’s celebrating. Here’s Part I of II. Rocket?
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Monday was an exceptionally important day for me (Why was it so important? None of your [redacted] beeswax, that’s why). In a certain span of time, which felt both like the blink of an eye and an entire lifetime, a gnarled, old burden was lifted from my shoulders and an even heavier, meaner, sharper one was put in its place. I don’t remember much immediately after I left the building where this span of time took place. I do know that my breathing became much more labored and every time I took a deep breath the strength was sapped from my legs. I suppose, for those who could only see into the immediate realm, I must have wobbled back and forth before finally collapsing. Again, I really don’t remember what happened in this world, but I have a very clear memory of where I went.
Every color I had ever remembered seeing in my life began swirling about me, at first slowly but soon quickly until they began to melt together. In a few moments time they were all mixed until I was surrounded by an unbounded sphere of white. “The color white indicates the presence of all colors,” I thought to myself. “This is a place of every color. Does that mean that this is a place where everything exists? Is this …”
Off in the distance I could see something rapidly approaching. The speed at which it traveled frightened me at first, but it slowed as it grew closer to me. For the longest time, I couldn’t make out what it was. And then, for a moment, I didn’t believe what I was seeing. It was a pair of sideburns.
The moment felt like it was destined to be profound. As a consequence, I felt like I needed to ask the right questions. In retrospect, I realize how small and silly I was behaving. Nonetheless, it seemed like the proper query at the time. “Are you the baby Jesus?”
The sideburns just smiled (yes, that’s right, they smiled). “You’ve spent a long time doing a lot of work,” the sideburns said. “But have you found the real answers for which you’ve been searching?”
I couldn’t believe how quickly I had to fight back the tears. “No, I suppose I haven’t.”
The sideburns’ monotone voice was both boring and soothing at the same time. “Let’s take a walk.”
A few steps into our sojourn, my head was cleared and the tears had receded deep down into wherever I had been hiding them. I felt a deep, rich, intoxicating calmness. A few steps later, I was drunk from the calm. I now had an artificial and dangerous level of confidence. So I dared speak again. “Was May a fluke, or are you now going to hit with some power as well?”
The sideburns did not break stride, but it was still clear that our walk would be short. “You still have the potential to open your mind in ways that others will respect, admire, and fear. But your heart is too full of the ephemeral, the fleeting, the unreal. You are not quite ready to see all that I had hoped to show you. But since you love sports, I will show you one thing …”


