So here’s the deal: we have some nice contributed content from Stu. We have a couple of thoughts of our own. But we also have a disabled timestamp feature on this blog that can’t/won’t be fixed. We also have another week off, only this time we are not cavorting in Milwaukee and watching baseball, then scurrying back to the hotel to transcribe a daily journal in blog form. This time, we are scooting off to a secret hideaway with Mrs. RandBall to celebrate our second anniversary. The pug sitter is lined up. The reservations are made. And there will be no laptops allowed. So prior to our departure, we had a choice to make: put up a lame, one-sentence note that there would be no real posts this week … or empty out what we have into one big post (and one big rabbit?!?!). We chose the latter. So analyze it from all sides. Comment on it with vigor. And then join us back here around this time next Monday as we resume full-strength (or at least something resembling it) posting. First? Stu tells us about the dodecathalon.

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The Dodecathlon: A RandBall’s Stu Investigation

It all started innocently enough, with a Facebook update from RandBall commenter Roughkat discussing his participation in a “dodecathlon.” I’d never heard that term before, and became intrigued. Was this a new marathoning endeavor for the noted running enthusiast? Was it a celebration of Bruce Jenner’s gold medal performance in the 1976 Montreal Olympics and his subsequent facelifts? Or was it something more…sinister? I found out in a contentious, no-holds-barred interview with Roughkat, which you can read NOW.

(NOTE: Q is RandBall’s Stu; A is Roughkat)

Q: Whose bright idea was this?
A: (Fellow RandBall commenter) Muxhut and another friend.

Q: How many years has this been held?
A: This was year 3.

Q: What are the events?
A: Events (in order)
1) Stare Down
A dumbed down event that gets things going. Everyone stands in a circle and on the count of 3 you look up at someone. If the person you are looking at is also looking at you, the two of you are out.

2) Biathlon of Accuracy
Two parts - first hachet throw where you get points based on landing a thrown hatchet on a target. Second part is a paintball target shooting contest. Scores are combined. We keep these early on in the day before the beer is involved.

3) Egg Man
Everyone starts next to the volleyball net with an egg in hand. Throw the egg over the net and catch it yourself on the other side. If your egg breaks you are out. If not, start a yard farther away and repeat.

4) Frisbee Toss
You get three throws of the disc with the goal to catch your own pass the farthest away from where you started.

5) Debbie Toss
Like the hammer throw, except with a chain attached to a bowling ball. Throw for distance and the ladies’ distance is doubled.

6) Bobber Cooler Swim
Everyone wears a lifejacket and lines up in order of current standings with 1st place the closest to shore on the dock. Swim out ~100m to a bobber cooler full of beer. Drink a beer and then bring in your can/bottle back with you to shore. It’s a race.

(break for lunch/nap)

7) Backwoods Run
Two laps of wackiness either slaloming between trees, jumping over fallen trees, or ducking under falling trees. You also have to climb up and over a steep dirt hill. Oh, and drink a beer before each lap.

Octathlon
In its second year now, this is the premiere event. You have 10 minutes to perform as many of the following tasks as possible with the caveat that you get a bonus of 5x your lowest score.
• Drink a beer (10pts)
• Burpee (2 pts)
• Sommersault (2 pts)
• Lap around volleyball court (5 pts)
• Log roll down hill (3 pts)
• 1080 degree spin (1 pt)
• One footed hop up hill (2 pts)
• Sudoku (1 pt per correct number)
This event is run 3 people at a time with the others counting and scoring. The top 3 in the standings start and the rest that follow get a better idea of strategy. This has been won both years by people that are in the bottom of the standings.

9) 3 Legged run
Pair up - highest total points with lowest total points, etc. and tie two legs together. Race around pine tree and back (100m each way). Pair must also finish 2 beers, either one per person or 2 by 1 or sharing.

10) Speed scrabble
You get 30 seconds per turn. If you don’t spell a word in that 30 seconds you are skipped and have until your next turn to drink a beer. You’re out if you have beer left before its your turn again.

11) Bag Game
Place paper bag on floor. Standing on one foot, bend over and grab the bag with your mouth/teeth. Once everyone has passed that level, cut off 2″ of the bag and go again If you fall over, your 2nd foot touches, etc, you are out.

12) Crossword
10 minutes to get as many correct letters as possible in a crossword puzzle.

Scoring
If there are 12 people, then 1st place gets 12 pts, 2nd gets 11, etc. Ties are always broken by drawing from a hat that contains all the possible tiebreakers.

Possible Tiebreakers
• Javelin throw - Who can throw a PVC “javalin” further. Ladies are given a roughly 10yd cushion.
• Logic off - 3 minutes to complete a logic puzzle. Winner has the most correct answers
• Wall Sit - Who can wall sit longer.
• Egg Wrestling (just for the egg toss). Hold an egg in one hand. Object is to break opponents egg. Go.
• Beer Chug
• Roshambo (rock, paper, scissors)
This contest has generally favored the guys, especially with the beer drinking and running. The other organizer won the first year, I won last year, and the 1st guy won this year with me right behind. We’re thinking next year that everyone is in charge of coming up with one event so that it isn’t just 2 guys coming up with all the events and people know they have a good chance in at least one event.

Q: What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent description were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational sporting event. Everyone reading this is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
A: (No response.)

Q: Have their been any notable injuries, incidents or arrests?
A: Nothing major that I recall. Mostly just doing stupid stuff while intoxicated.

Q: Is it open to the public, or invite-only?
A: There’s an evite but it’s easy to get invited. Usually the number of people is around 12. It could get busy having too many people but I’m willing to bet there’s room for more.

Q: Any plans on taking it to ESPN2 or FSN?
A: Due to the beer involved, it would probably be more appropriate for collegehumor.com.

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And now? Stu’s report card (note: it was sent last week on Wednesday, yet it still holds up now as being remarkably prescient. Stu is like the Jamiroquai of RandBall).

My 10-year-old’s report cards don’t have the traditional A, B, C, D and F grading curve, but rather the Up With People system seen below. I’m applying them to the current local sports environment. Enjoy.

(E=Excellent; S=Satisfactory; P=Progressing; I=Needs Improvement)

David Kahn: P. People are actually talking about the Timberwolves, some of them in non-derisive terms! The sense that anything can happen between now and Thursday night, and it might not be crushingly awful, is disorienting and the cause of tingling in the extremities. Then again, that could just be heatstroke.

Etan Thomas: S. The Wolves now have a published poet on their roster, marking the first time that’s happened since they parted ways with Igor Rakocevic, whose book of ribald limericks about Bratislavan women caused a stir overseas.

Francisco Liriano: I. 117 pitches in five innings? Really? The next pitch he should eliminate from his repertoire is “the one that isn’t working.” I predict success if he does that.

Luis Ayala: E. His trade demand over not being the 8th-inning guy is high comedy of the Zach Galifianakis-in-every-scene-of-The Hangover order. Just brilliant. His next request should be a contract extension, a tricked-out unicorn and an ambassadorship to Saturn.

Favrewatch 2009: P. Long-range forecasts predict landfall in early-to-mid-July. Residents should remain calm, and if any ESPN personalities are spotted in your neighborhood, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PET OR FEED THEM.

Todd Richards: I. The new Wild coach (ONE OF US!) has promised a more uptempo approach for the local hoc-key team. The local puckhead cognoscenti seem happy with the choice, but I’ll miss Jacques Lemaire’s accent. If Richards can manage to emphasize his Upper Midwestern timbre while needling his oft-injured best player, I’ll be on board, too.

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A couple of quick takes from us:

*The Ricky Rubio stuff could get messy, but remember: at the end of the day, he was clearly the best player on the board and clearly the biggest chip in a potential trade. Our gut, sadly, tells us that he will be traded sometime this summer — denying us the chance to watch a dynamic player. The upside is that he will fetch a ransom in return, thus essentially allowing this franchise to flip Mike Miller and Randy Foye for a lot more than they were probably worth.

*That said, the posturing that goes on with “large-market” teams and players who love them too much … well, that is one of the most infuriating things that happens in sports. It’s a two-way street. And it’s just a shame. Canis Hoopus noted all of this very nicely.

*If we would have given you one guess, a month ago, at what could bump the Brett Favre-to-Minnesota media express train off to a lesser track, would you have guessed “Timberwolves basketball?!”

*Love the Nick Leddy pick by the Wild. The kid is special.

*What exactly was Landon Donovan saying after he scored what proved to be the set-up goal for Brazil’s amazing comeback yesterday. Because it sure looked like he pointed to himself and shouted, “Me!” over and over.

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Enjoy this glorious week fo weather. Enjoy explosions. Happy Birthday, America.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 10:06 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.