Lattewarrior won a very controversial and close Commenter Of the Week race against Brandon, primarily because of breadth of work (and because he had a topic in mind while we knew Brandon was out of town). His subject matter also allowed us to post that picture of Megan Fox. Win-win-(win). Latte?

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Your 2009 Pop Culture All-Stars

Not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but Tuesday’s MLB All-Star Game is sporting some seriously jacked-up rosters (Jason Bartlett!). When I was a portly scamp growing up on Rural Route 2, the All-Star Game was all about seniority. Guys like Ozzie Smith, Dave Winfield, Cal Ripken and George Brett always got voted in as starters, even if they were hurt, underperforming or past their prime. Aside from the occasional Chet Lemon or Ken Singleton, you pretty much knew who was going to make the team. Those days are long over. Not only did cheaters like Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez get left at home, but stand-up guy Ken Griffey even failed to finagle an honorary invite. Not that I’m complaining. On the contrary, the fans and coaches by in large got it right in rewarding Raul Ibanez, Evan Longoria, Hunter Pence and Ben Zobrist for their stellar first halves.

Anyway, since this is a slow week sports-wise (unless Ricky Rubio news breaks or Joe Mauer cures cancer in between winning the Home Run Derby and leading the American League to home-field advantage in the World Series), I thought I’d throw my neighbor AZGG a bone and unveil the 2009 Pop Culture All-Star Team. Just like in MLB, some big names are conspicuously absent here, including Clooney, Lindsay, Brangelina, Brit, Speidi, Paula, Tom-Kat and the entire casts of Gossip Girl and Twilight. Go ahead and post your snubs but please understand that some if not most of the following selections were made exclusively to help support the bit. Good day.

1B: Susan Boyle
Why She’s Here: Found success despite questionable looks; couldn’t deliver when it counted most.
MLB Equivalent: Justin Morneau

2B: Miley Cyrus
Why She’s Here: Annoyingly spunky with talent that’s largely overrated.
MLB Equivalent: Dustin Pedroia

SS: Lady GaGa
Why He/She’s Here: Unrelenting popularity at dance clubs.
MLB Equivalent: Derek Jeter

3B: Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox
Why They Are Here: Looks, not skills, vaulted them to the A-list.*
MLB Equivalent: David Wright

LF: Twitter
Why It’s Here: Scary untapped potential.
MLB Equivalent: Justin Upton

CF: Justin Timberlake
Why He’s Here: Frankly, he’s still trading on 2008’s stats.
MLB Equivalent: Josh Hamilton

RF: Michael Jackson
Why He’s Here: Influence may have ebbed and flowed domestically, but he’ll always be huge in Asia.
MLB Equivalent: Ichiro

Catcher: Bruno
Why He’s Here: Will do anything, including questionable bleaching, to make both opponents and audiences squirm.
MLB Equivalent: A.J. Pierzynski **

SP: The Jonas Brothers
Why They Are Here: Defied the odds to make skinny jeans and virginity cool.
MLB Equivalent: Tim Lincecum

RP: Jon Gosselin
Why He’s Here: Stranded a ton of runners.
MLB Equivalent: Andrew Bailey

RP: Beyonce
Why She’s Here: Power can be traced to planetary backside.
MLB Equivalent: Jonathan Broxton

RP: Bradley Cooper
Why He’s Here: Recently linked to Jennifer Aniston, Kristen Bell and Renee Zellweger. Nobody closes like The Hangover star.
MLB Equivalent: Joe Nathan

* That said, “Even Stevens” was the [redacted].

** No, he’s not an All-Star, but A.J. is known to sport a ridiculous blonde hairdo and does make his living being a [redacted].

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