COW


Guest post COW: Rocket obsesses about dancing

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

dance-off.pngFor his lengthy comment about a commenter dance-off, Rocket has been named the Commenter Of the Week. He has chosen to use his space as a continuation on that theme. Rocket, take it away:

The date: Sometime in late 2009
The location: A cable-access television set, replete with a few old couches and an exceptionally boring, black curtain backdrop

After an intro showing the contestants making some of their best moves, a star wipe brings us to a “RandBall Commenter Dance-Off” graphic superimposed on the studio. The graphic fades and the director counts down to RandBall: “3…2…1…”

RandBall: And welcome to the season ending wrap-up show for the first, and hopefully not last, “RandBall Commenter Dance-Off.” We’ve brought back all of the contestants to chat with them a little bit about what they’ve loved, learned, and injured during the first season. Let’s start with the first round lose … Well, let’s not call them losers. Let’s just say they didn’t win. At all. First up is Stu. Stu, you were an early favorite coming in but you just didn’t have a successful routine. What happened out there?

Stu: Well, I really thought that Feist’s “One, Two, Three, Four” would help me count out the beat. Unfortunately, all it did was make me look like an even more incompetent Wasswa Serwanga.

RB: All too true, Stu. All too true. Let’s turn to Jon. Jon, lots of insiders thought you had a real shot at this competition as well. But your decision to wear full goalie equipment proved to be an insurmountable mistake. What went into your completely dreadful decision-making process?

Jon: I don’t know why Rocket is banging on me so much about hockey. He loves hockey just as much as anybody else.

RB: Very true. Rocket is nothing if not a complete hypocrite who is willing to sell out someone for an easy joke. Speaking of easy jokes … Jama, you had a rough time out there. What went wrong?

Jama: Actually, I had forgotten that the competition was on the day that it was. So, I had started my regular routine of drinking early and heavily to try to forget that Will Furrer once started a game at quarterback for the Bears. Once my, “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” alarm watch reminded me that it was competition time I was well over the legal limit. The best I could do under those conditions was rise to a Peter Tom Willis level of competency. And that ain’t sayin’ much.

RB: Too true. Too true. What about you, Fasolamatt? You injured yourself less than 10 seconds into your routine. How ya feelin’?

Fasolamatt: To tell you the truth, I’m still in a great deal of pain. I haven’t left the couch for weeks. Luckily, C-Dog has been bringing me bacon as I’ve been immobilized on the couch.

RB: Well, that’s depressing. I’m tired of all of the depression and I’m tired of all of these losers. Let’s talk to some folks who managed to make it past the first round. Brandon, you made it past the first round but then you lost in the semi-finals. Some of our good friends as RandBall Prospectus have calculated your RandBall Dance-Off Dextremeawesity Rating at .753. For those who may not know, a Dextremeawesity Rating is a complicated formula used to measure a contestant’s dexterity, extremeness, awesomeness, and overall ability to perform in the clutch. What will you need to work on in the off-season to get your RBDODR over the .800 mark?

Brandon: Shut the [redacted] up.

RB: Okaaaaay… This is live, public access television, so we can’t really edit that out. Let’s just turn to Joker. Joker, you had some early success, but you weren’t able to sustain anything meaningful or long term. It didn’t always feel like you were ready to settle down and commit to this venture. Why was that?

Joker: I don’t know. I just kept trying to dance like my hair was on fire. Apparently some chicks don’t go for that.

RB: Great to know. Now let’s turn to our finalists. AZGopherGirl, you had a terrific run and you seemed to be popular with many of our viewers. However, your choice to wear a game-worn Hosea Crittenden jersey during the finals got you busted by Us Magazine’s “fashion police.” What do you say to the charges?

AZGopherGirl: I am going to kill those [redacteds] …

RB: ALL RIGHTY THEN! Let’s just turn our attention to our first season’s winner. Rocket, you really dazzled them with your medley of Young MC, Digital Underground, and Tone Loc. What was the secret to your success?

Rocket: It was simple. I busted a humpty medina and it was all over. I am awesome.

COW: Rocket steals our pop culture time capsule, compares a Mason Jennings concert to a sporting event

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

mason.JPGRocket, who has been an old man since age 26, wants all you kids off his lawn. He also would look a little like Mason Jennings (pictured, awesome) if he ever got a perm and learned to play guitar. Here is Rocket’s Commenter Of the Week post:

Last night I saw Mason Jennings in Fargo. I have now seen Mason several times in concert, and they’ve all been great (as a side note, I will never forget a concert at First Avenue when Mason ended the show with a blistering version of “Bulls on Parade”).

Unfortunately, I have developed the same opinion of live music that I have of sports: Too often the crowd diminishes the experience. I have come to terms with the fact that there are idiots who are going to spend the concert talking with their clique of slow-witted butterflies; like I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are knuckle-draggers who need to be too drunk to watch the game by the fourth quarter/eighth inning/third period.

But last night was different. There was some jackaninny who bellowed, “You da man, Mason!” Others were making fun of some of his lyrics. I don’t have any special insight into Mason Jennings’ mind just because I am a fan of his music. But it was clear that he heard the ridiculousness (thanks to a criminally small crowd), and it seemed like he wasn’t enjoying the process.

This got me to thinking about expectations. When did we decide that a ticket was a license to act like a [redacted]? And, at what point is it no longer worth it? Last night it seemed like Mason was a little disgusted. I would be sad if he stops touring. I imagine it’s much the same for athletes. Athletes aren’t saints, but in what other job are you going to have people writing whatever they want about you on blogs, saying whatever they want about you on talk radio, booing you while you are in the middle of your job, and who are going to get mad if you don’t call them as “the best fans in the world”?

I sincerely think that the expectations of fans have grown as ridiculous and out of control as the salaries of players and the demands upon communities of the owners.

RandBallers, what say you?

COW: Muxhut solves our future stadium needs

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

complex.jpgIf every COW post was presented with MSPaint art, the world would be a better place. Muxhut, you have the floor:

The Minnesota Sporting Complex

This is not a COW about pessimistically cheering on a team that you are more comfortable seeing lose than win. This is a COW about sports stadiums.

Minnesotans are no stranger to the subject of sporting venue hype. Remember that crazy guy who owned the Vikings and kept threatening to move them to Texas (not even in America!) if we didn’t build a new stadium? At least Zygi Wilf, whom I admire and respect, would aim for LA or something, right? (Seriously, if this happens, just PLEASE not Texas. PLEASE.)

Anyway, so the Vikings want a new stadium. And the Twins, they have a new field en route. And the Wild, who play the puck, their arena is glorious and there is much rejoicing. And the Timberwolves, who may or may not play well, will be complaining for a new venue within, I’d estimate, 2 weeks of their next .500 season.

So here’s what I think we should be aiming for: one massive sporting venue, all 4 stadia / arenia / fieldia / parks under one (retractable) roof. Baseball next to football next to hockey next to basketball next to baseball. (Okay, so only 1/2 the roof would be retractable.)

Think “Mall of America” but for guys. Think of the burger joints / sports stores / bars / casinos that would occupy the concourses dividing those 4 arenas — they would always be in season, always be open and busy. Think of the children. Children you will be leaving at home so you can watch one or more professional sports teams.

The Target Center area will soon have 2 of the 4 venues. Someone should start buying up space around that area, and in 20 years …

– when the Vikings have finally earned a stadium …
- when the Twins are sick of their 18 year old stadium …
- when the Timberwolves are closing in on a winning season …
- when the Wild finally figures out that 9/10ths of their fanbase lives on the other side of the river …

… we’ll be ready to build.

So, any thoughts on sporting venues? Any crazy MN-sports related ideas? Any idea who’d pay for this one?

COW: Clarence Swamptown and The Walls

Monday, October 27th, 2008

green-bay-packers-womens-auxillary-potluck.JPGMost people would probably agree this was worth the wait. Art provided by Clarence, probably from his recent trip to central Minnesota. Sir?

I was 13 years old when the Berlin Wall fell. It symbolized the collapse of the “Iron Curtain,” a victory in the fight against communism. I was 32 years old when the Williams Wall fell. This collapse is much more important than some stupid curtain. These allegations are a significant victory in the NFL’s long term fight against the Vikings winning the Super Bowl.

I have been humming the Scorpion’s “Wind of Change” all day. How can I describe the Scorpions to the younger RandBallers? They were basically an ’80s German rock band that sucked. They were Tokio Hotel before there was a Tokio Hotel. They had 2 hits: “Rock You Like a Hurricane” (which Joker has awesomely programmed to automatically play when motion is detected near his waterbed), and “Wind of Change”, a tribute to the falling of the Berlin Wall and the crumbling communist bloc. Here is a link to the video.

Without E.J. Henderson, Kevin Williams, and Pat Williams — assuming the latter two are out and these allegations are, indeed, correct — the Vikings’ chances are slim. Their backups are not good enough to pick up the slack. So click on the video link, light up your sparklers, and sing along to this lame remake as an ode to what might have been:

(Vikings horn replaces whistling of the opening melody)

I follow 494
Down to Winter Park
Listening to the wind, of Fred Evans
A November fall night
Matt Forte running for 260
Blowing past the wind, of Fred Evans

(cue Vikings horn again)

The NFL is closing in
Did you ever think
Pat and Kevin could be so close, like brothers
Diuretics in their urine?
I can feel a 2009 top 10 draft pick
Blowing with the wind, of Fred Evans

Take me, to the magic of a blowout
On a glory night
Where Ryan Grant runs for 260
Bowling over the wind, of Fred Evans

Guest Post COW: Jon likes himself a little puck

Friday, January 26th, 2007

It’s that time again — honestly, one of our favorite times of the week. We get to shut our yap and let you have the stage for a little while. Jon, RandBall’s sixth Commenter Of the Week, is a bona fide blogger in his own right. He has spent the past three years penning “The National Anthem Before A Cubs Game,” which probably gets a lot of indirect traffic from a different audience because the first three letters of its web address are “tna.” But seriously, it’s a Minnesota-themed sports blog, and he does a splendid job with it. He checks in in just one second — right after we remind all the former COWs that you now get to vote for the COW every week. So please do vote. Don’t go to some other site and just throw your vote away. Here are Jon’s words:

Raise your hands if you know the final score of Wednesday’s NHL All-Star Game. Not a lot of hands up, are there? Nobody — okay, a minuscule number of somebodies — watched the All-Star Game. Despite the fact that it was televised in HD. Despite the fact that all the offensive talent in the world was on display. Despite the fact that Vs. pulled out every stop they could think of, in an attempt to draw in new fans. And those new jerseys? They’re ugly. They look like baseball batting practice jerseys. And here’s the worst part: the die-hard fans liked the old ones.

Here’s an idea, NHL: instead of always trying to draw new fans, how about you focus on not alienating the ones you already have? You might remember us, NHL. We’re the ones who still call the NFC North the “Norris Division.” We’re the ones who grow a beard while our team is in the playoffs. We’re the ones who make jokes about “calling Toronto” when we can’t make a decision. We’re the ones that stuck with you through the lockout and through the boredom of the clutch-and-grab neutral zone trap. How about catering to us for once, NHL? We’d rather have hockey in Winnipeg than in Las Vegas. We’d rather you not make the uniforms that we defiantly wear on Casual Friday into something that looks ridiculous. We’d rather not go three years in between visits from Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, just because you can’t get it together and agree on something better. And we want the Norris Division back. That’s non-negotiable.

Focus on those of us who love hockey. We’re the best salespeople you have, and if you make us happy, it will pay off in the long run.