Name: Miles Tarver

Claim to Fame, Minnesota: where to begin? The wispy mustache that promised excitement, danger, and a wide open 12-footer that barely drew iron? The hairdo that was some kind of Arthur Fonzarelli/El Debarge hybrid? Is this your homework, Miles? Look Miles, have you ever heard of Vietnam? You’re entering a wo — sorry, wrong late-‘90s cultural touchstone.

Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: was a Bay Area prep star, and attended St. Joseph Notre Dame High School in Alameda, the same basketball factory that produced Jason Kidd.

Where He Is Now: since the Hunt Down’s inception, the single most-requested target has been Miles Tarver. Unfortunately, he’s been below the intarweb radar ever since the Gangelhoff scandal. Until now. It’s a Festivus Miracle! (Note: given the lack of any biographical information or even a photo, I’ll concede that it could be another Miles Tarver who works on the staff of Triple Threat Academy, a basketball camp in Alameda that “strives to help students accomplish their basketball goals in a fun and educational environment.” But I doubt it.)

Glorious Randomness: if you want to feel bad about your already-marginal basketball skill set, watch 5-year-old Triple Threat prodigy Milan Simone Tuttle. Make your “McHale just traded two first-rounders and Randy Foye for her” jokes in comments, or just discuss the glory of Miles Tarver.

Proprietor note: Our fondest memory of M. Tarver was that former coach Clem Haskins banned him from talking to the media during the 1997-98 season. Patrick Reusse recounts the reason why from a January 1998 column:

Haskins took this action after Tuesday’s loss at Michigan. Miles Tarver had missed several layups and the Michigan crowd responded by cheering for his return to the game. Later, the articulate and glib Tarver suggested that some day he would move to Ann Arbor to be elected mayor. Tarver also said: “I don’t know who’s sinking faster, us or the Titanic.” Coach Haskins did not like what he read and banned Tarver and the rest of the Gophers’ underclassmen from publicly expressing their views after games.

Those were the days!

This is Stu’s Hunt Down of Steve Bono, which from now on should be remembered as the Hunt Down in which Stu became the first person under 80 and also the first person since 1932 to use the word “fussbudget.” Stu?

The Huntdown

Name: Steve Bono

Claim to Fame, Minnesota: was chosen by the Vikings in the sixth round of the 1985 NFL Draft to back up Tommy Kramer and Wade Wilson, immediately becoming the the most popular quarterback on the team. This phenomenon, known in football circles as The Best Quarterback is the One We Haven’t Seen Play Fallacy, is a long-standing Minnesota tradition, and why John David Booty will never be more popular than he is right now. Bono’s most memorable game with the Purple is one in which he replaced an ineffective Wade Wilson at Philadelphia, completed 1 of 10 passes for 5 yards and a quarterback rating of “Moses Moreno,” and was pulled in favor of Wilson with eight minutes left in the game and the Vikings trailing 23-0. Wilson would rally the Vikings to a stunning 28-23 win, and you may recall Anthony Carter dodging snowballs from the Eagles faithful and mastering karate and friendship for everyone as he scored the winning touchdown.

Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: despite his inauspicious two years with Minnesota, would go on to a ridiculously lengthy NFL career, with stops in Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Kansas City, Green Bay, St. Louis and Carolina before retiring after the 1999 season. As the Wiki mentions, he had a 76-yard rushing touchdown for the Chiefs in 1995. As anyone who’s seen the highlight can tell you, he ran those 76 yards very, very slowly.

Where He Is Now: this press release says he’s a Principal for ThinkEquity, “a research-centric institutional investment firm focused on the growth economy.” Given that the words “economy” and “growth” appear in the same sentence, you may have guessed that this was written in 2006, long before the bread riots and pestilence began.

Glorious Randomness: he’s apparently quite the fussbudget. From a 1995 Sports Illustrated profile by Michael Silver:

Steve, the NFL’s answer to Frasier’s Niles Crane, color-coordinates his closet, folds and hangs his clothes immediately after removing them and waits to do his ironing until the last possible minute before he dresses, the better to ensure there are no unsightly wrinkles in his garb. He has been known to go ballistic over a misplaced stapler, and he counts the 1985 day on which his Minnesota Viking teammates dumped out the contents of his briefcase as one of the darkest he has endured.

“During training camp his rookie year, the guys noticed that he carried this very organized briefcase everywhere he went,” Tina says. “One day they turned it over and let everything drop on the floor. He called me in a panic; you would have thought somebody had died.”

Says Steve, “It was not a good night. Let’s just leave it at that.”

Steve Bono, everyone.

[Proprietor note: Photo from the Strib vault, circa 1996, featuring Martin Harrison dragging Bono down. Harrison apparently had seven sacks that season].

Name: Spergon Wynn III

Claim to Fame, Minnesota: I think the conventional wisdom is that he’s the worst starting quarterback in Vikings history. Granted, it was only a couple games, but I think the conventional wisdom is right. I ask the readers: who else is in the conversation? T-Jack seems a given, Kelly Holcomb is absolutely in the mix, and I recall Jim McMahon being less than useless (unless he was throwing to Eric Guliford). Anyone I’m missing? Is Gary Cuozzo too obscure? [RandBall note: We also remember Steve Dils being quite terrible].

Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: oddly enough, the 38.6 quarterback rating he compiled for the Purple did not lead to further NFL employment. Wynn was forced to head north to America’s Hat, where he became a CFL journeyman and, for a short time, Ricky Williams’ teammate.

Where He Is Now: the most recent intarweb mention of Wynn is from 2006, when he was with the Toronto Argonauts. Is he night managing a Tim Horton’s in Saskatoon? Is he back in the States? So many questions.

Glorious Randomness: Sperg, as I like to call him, was one of the six quarterbacks drafted ahead of Tom Brady in the 2000 draft. The others: Giovanni Carmazzi, Tee Martin, Chad Pennington, Marc Bulger, and Chris Redman. In addition, his alma mater, Southwest Texas State (which got all huffy like Mankato State and changed its name to Texas State University-San Marcos), can claim Wynn, LBJ, Powers Boothe, and potential Sunday starter Fred Evans as alumni.

Forgotten Fact, Proprietor Addendum: Spergon Wynn III started his college career with none other than the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers (lucky No. 13). A Strib article from 1996 explains in part why his career here didn’t exactly pan out.

Sophomore running back Rafael Cooper, the Gophers’ leading returning rusher from 1995, has been dismissed from the football squad for violating team rules regarding “personal property rights.” Freshman split end Tony Vann and freshman quarterback Spergon Wynn III were suspended for one game. The three players were allegedly involved in a burglary incident April 7 in Sanford Hall on the university campus. None of the players has been charged with a crime. …

According to university police reports, a female student left her locked dormitory room at 11:30 p.m. on April 7. She returned to her room at 1 a.m. on April 8 to find $100 in cash, her checkbook and a compact disc missing. During that time she had visited the room of Wynn and Vann, hoping to collect $80 that Wynn had borrowed from her. The police report describes a ruse possibly used by Wynn and Vann to obtain the victim’s room keys. Vann then left the room, and returned before the victim left.

When she discovered the items missing, she went in the hallway to ask question people to see if they had seen Vann in her room. Officers searched Vann and Wynn’s room, but did not find the missing property, and the two players denied knowledge of the items. Vann said he had left his own room to watch movies in “his cousin” Cooper’s room. Cooper told police he was with Vann all day watching movies.

On April 12, Cooper knocked on the girl’s door, handed her the checkbook and said, “Here’s your checkbook. Don’t ask me any questions about it.” According to the police report, he told her he found it “in a trash can.”

Yeah, right, the officer said. I’ll believe that when I see Spergon Wynn III quarterbacking the Vikings.

Hat tip to Fasolamatt for the suggestion.

The Huntdown

Name: Kailee Wong

Claim to Fame, Minnesota: was a linebacker for the Purple from 1998-2001, meaning he’s one of the lucky few to have been on the losing end of both the Worst Game Ever and 41-Donut.

Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: the Wiki says Wong was an All-American at Stanford, and he spent the rest of his NFL days with the Houston Texans before retiring in 2006.

Where He Is Now: still in the Houston area, he looks to be following the tried-and-true path of many retired athletes into the sports commentary business, whether its demonstrating zone blocking schemes or working the Lamar/Kingwood playoff game.

Glorious Randomness: the fact that his Mom wrote a book about how to watch football is only the second-most random thing about Wong. The most random thing, as you can imagine, is that he’s Albert Clifford Slater’s brother-in-law. He even shows up for his book signings. I’ll have you know that when I show up for a Mario Lopez autograph session, it has nothing to do with familial obligations and everything to do with a deep, abiding respect for his body of work.

The Huntdown

Name: Atlanta’s Air Force. (Please watch the video before reading.)

Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: this video, by T. Grose & the Varsity, is entitled “Nothing Can Stop Us We’re Atlanta’s Air Force.” It’s a fight song for your 1987 Atlanta Hawks. It is, by itself, justification for the Internet. This was featured in the Deadspin waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in 2006, but I missed it at the time. In my defense, nobody in Atlanta cares about the Hawks, either. I finally ran across it in an Idolator post about the transcendently crapulent Atlanta Thrashers victory song.

Claim to Fame, Minnesota: the resolution on the video is terrible, but I’m reasonably certain that at the 3:15 mark, in the background, you can see current (for now) T-Wolves coach Randy Wittman doing the bull dance, feeling the flow, working it. At the 4:00 mark, the person I presume to be Wittman dons some choice sunglasses and drops the chorus. I believe that is Tree Rollins standing next to him. Again, the Internet is a place of fearful wonders.

Where They Are Now: T. Grose goes by Tom Grose now, and yes, he has a MySpace page. He promises “unsmooth jazz for the post-melodic generation,” which is just a long way of saying “noise,” I think.

Glorious Randomness: things I’ve noticed after watching this a dozen times, with helpful times added for your viewing pleasure:
*(Numerous spots) No one in 1987 could dance. Didn’t matter your race, creed or gender. I was there. I remember it well. I blame Huey Lewis and his so-called “News.”
*(2:26) Saxophone Guy takes a solo. Punishing. I wonder if the suit came with Limahl’s haircut, of if he had to do that himself.
*(3:02) The entirely-too-satisfied-with-himself drummer, who’s already on thin ice with me because of the hexagonal drums and suspenders, cocks his eyebrow RIGHT AT THE CAMERA. [Redacted].
*(3:03) “Spud! Spud! You’re on! Do something!”
*(3:08) Jon Koncak lip-syncs like he’s being forced to read a list of grievances and demands from his captors.
*(Numerous spots) Mike Fratello’s hair. Look at that beautiful man-perm sway in the stale Omni air.
*(3:36) Ted Turner. Remember him? He used to own, like, everything