The month of hate ends with Stu’s Hunt Down of Mike Alstott, who haunted the Metrodome in both college and the NFL, and continues to haunt your nightmares. Stu?
Name: Mike Alstott
Claim to Fame, Minnesota: was a bludgeon-shaped thorn in the side of both the Minnesota Gophers and Minnesota Vikings. In his decade at Purdue, Alstott plowed through the Gophers like they were a cheerleader in front of a paper banner: 13 career touchdowns, and individual games with 183 and 171 rushing yards. Or, as the late Jim Wacker noted in an article by handsome blogger Todd Zolecki, “He ran through us like cheese through a goat.” No, I don’t know what that means, either. Once Alstott was drafted by Tampa Bay, area football fans were able to observe his metaphorical cheese punishing the local team’s metaphorical goat intestinal tract twice a year. Please, enjoy this tribute video set to the quiet storm balladry of Rammstein.
Claim to Fame, Everywhere Else: everyone has their own personal Chris Berman running bit that drives them mad. Perhaps it’s “back back back” or that hoary clip that ESPN runs of him and Glenn Frey. For me, it’s that [redacted] sound effect he’d make whenever there was a highlight of Mike Alstott getting the ball by the goal line. I HATED that.
Villain in Popular Culture He Most Closely Resembles: comic book bad guy Juggernaut.
Where He Is Now: since it has his name on it, let’s assume he’s actively involved in the Mike Alstott Family Foundation. Follow them on Twitter! (Seriously, you should follow them, if only to atone for following Ashton Kutcher.)
Sweet, Sweet Closure Scenario: switches bodies with Darrin [redacted] Nelson for the final play of the 1987 NFC Championship Game.
Glorious Randomness: Wikipedia, what say you?
Another famous nickname Mike has is “Bathtub Mike”. This comes from the days when Mike would strap old, used cast iron bath tubs to his back and run 40 yard sprints. This helped build his unique leg strength as well as prevent the old used bath tubs from taking up too much valuable space at the local landfills. Mike used upwards of 23 used tubs to drag on his back over the years.
On a related note, I wonder what Mark Chmura’s nickname is. ZING!
Further Discussion: did you enjoy Enemies Month? I know I did. Please leave suggestions for any other themes or Hunt Downs in the comments. If they can be phrased as nonsenical things that Jim Wacker might have said (“Geezo beezo, that running back over there’s like a gin joint on Armistice Day!”), all the better.