Gathered around their lockers in Rochester…*
Posted on April 9th, 2007 – 10:08 PMBy Howard
…the young men made no attempt to hide their distraction. Glen Perkins, the young lefty, came off the mound after holding Norfolk to 1 run on 2 hits over 6 innings. He walked over to Matt Garza, who’d commandeered the remote control of the clubhouse TV, and asked: “So, how did Si…”
Garza cut him off in midsentence with raucous laughter: “You remember that Pat Travers’ song, the one my Dad used to sing to me when I’d get lit up in Little League?”
Kevin Slowey, who prides himself on his professorial grasp of things inside and outside of baseball, spoke up — or rather sang out — when he saw the blank look on Perkins’ face.
“BOOM! BOOM! OUT GO THE LIGHTS!” Slowey shouted, grabbing a bat from Matthew LeCroy’s locker and using it as a microphone.
“Hell, yeah,” Garza said.
“How bad was it?” Perkins asked.
“Eight runs, 10 hits, 5 2/3 innings.Two doubles. Two dingers. Down 5-nil after 2,” Garza recited in a clipped staccato that made each sentence fragment sound worse than the one before it. “Dude pitched like that Mike Smith guy from last year, right down to the bad hair. The only thing he had in common with Johan’s start on Sunday was that he threw the same number of pitches — 97.”
Perkins scoffed and spit in his glove. “Wonder if that bozo blogger from Section 220 thought Gardy should have kept Sidney in too.”
The pitchers laughed the derisive laugh they save for those who have more prowess with their keyboarding fingers than their throwing arms.
“I could tell it was bad,” said Scott Baker, who’d snuck an XM Radio into the bullpen so he could listen and tell the other guys what was going on. “Gordo was talking about a story he’d read on the Internet between innings and Gladden cut him off and said, ‘So that’s what you do when we get blown out?’ It was the second inning.”
“That bad, huh?” said Perkins, secretly relishing his excellent outing in Rochester’s 33-degree chill even more while fibbing out loud: “Really, I wanted Sidney to do well. He’s been through a lot and, well, you know…”
“I know something else,” said Baker, decided that telling all he knew was the only way to stop Perkins from spewing more BS. “There were a couple of plane tickets to Minneapolis on the clubhouse microwave. Saw ‘em when I went in to do Pilates with LeCroy.”
“Tickets!” Garza repeated excitedly. “For who?”
“Didn’t see,” Baker replied.
“Great job, Baker,” said Perkins, disgustedly. “It’s just like Gardy says about you. You show some promise and then you can’t finish anything off.”
The chatter ceased as the guys looked in their lockers, wondering how much time they would have to run home and pack if the Twins would be calling for them — if, in fact, the Twins had decided to cut off the Ponson experiment more quickly that anyone expected. They tried not to be obvious about it, but in trying so hard, they were giving themselves away.
Slowey broke the silence with a piece of news he’d picked up from the Blackberry he always carries in his high right sock (except on the days he pitches). “You guys hear that The Real Deal got picked by the Red Sox?”
“No effin’ way!” Garza replied. “He’s there and we’re here? Makes about as much sense as our Iraq pol…”
“NO POLITICS IN THE CLUBHOUSE, BOYS!” shouted LeCroy, who was amused by the conversation among the young pitchers, and a little happy inside because he’d gotten 2 hits in tonight’s game. The Pilates was helping his bat speed, just like Scott Ullger told him it would.
Just then, carrying their suitcases and the boxes of leftover matzah that a kindly fan had sent to the Red Wings’ Jewish players for Passover, Josh Rabe and Alexi Casilla walked through the clubhouse. Plane tickets were visible in their shirt pockets.
They were the ones flying to the Twin Cities to replace the injured veterans RonDL White and Jeff Cirillo.
The pitchers’ shoulders and spirits sagged.
LeCroy tried to be reassuring.
“Don’t worry, fellas. I caught Sidney a couple times in spring training,” the wise veteran said, trying to be reassuring. “I have a feeling it won’t be long for one or two of you.”
(*All resemblance to actual dialogue in the Rochester clubhouse is purely coincidental. All statistics cited in this report are purely true.)
22 Responses to "Gathered around their lockers in Rochester…*"
Thank you so much for that. We usually don’t get that kind of writing about the Twins anywhere outside of Batgirl.
I have the feeling that we won’t see Garza or Perkins until May. I know Gardenhire wanted Garza to be pitching on a regular schedule and to get stretched out - something he could easily do in the minors but wouldn’t be able to accomplish as the fifth starter with the big league club, what with the fifth starter being skipped a few times in April.
I’m thinking that Ponson will get maybe two more starts before he’s replcaed.
That was gold Howard.
“Great job, Baker,” said Perkins, disgustedly. “It’s just like Gardy says about you. You show some promise and then you can’t finish anything off.”
^^My favorite line
Classic stuff Howard, good job. I was trying to guess the Pat Travers song and the only one I could think of started “smokin’ whiskey. . .” But yours was better. Keep up the good work.
Actually, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it overnight, maybe the Pat Travers song “Crash and Burn” would be appropriate.
The thought of Lecroy doing pilates gives me shivers. I can just hear Marri Windsor: “Use the powerhouse! Squeeze the tushy!” Coo Coo ka choo!
This should be an interesting summer following the Twins if you keep writing like that to keep up with BatGirl. (Note to self–keep Diet Coke far from keyboard.)
I personally think Sir Sid had help for his numbers from the Twins defense (Kubel…). I expect a much better performance against the DRays.
DAM
That was funny.Truely BatGirlesque!.And don’t think for a minute that at least some of that conversation was going through some heads in Rochester.
Rabe and Casilla walked through the clubhouse saying “for as bad as Sid was, Kubel and Bartlett were his equal fellas. And with the two overpaid, underperforming veterans headed for their inevitable trips to the DL… we’re on our way!”
As he said this, Slowey lobbed a two-hopper off the clubhouse floor that Casilla let skip off his glove. “see you in a few weeks, kid” muttered LeCroy as he reached for a second Tim Horton’s Donut…
glad to see the team showing support to the other players? Watch the Yankees light up our other two starters tonight and tomorrow too. Watch them light up Garza, Perkins, and anyone else outside of Johan. It’s what the Yankees should do with a lineup they spent 200 million dollars on.
It reminds me of a old christmas story.
I forget how it goes. Something about thoughts of sugar plumbs going through their heads. Maybe you should take up writing Christmas stories. I’m sure their would be of plenty of willing readers. I can see it now, And Santana, and Bonser, and Ortiz, and Blitzen. Anyways, entertaining stuff, Howard.
Hey Michael, go back to NYC (or back to work at ESPN)! And this comes from a born and raised Minnesotan currently living in Manhattan. What the Yankees did yesterday is capitalize on each and every mistake that Ponson and / or the fielders made. The Twins usually do the same thing to their opponents and they definately don’t have a $200m payroll. The number you should actually calculate is how much George S. has spent on payroll since the Yanks last ring. But hey, that’s just my opinion.
While Trevor Born may have thought this was the best line:
“Great job, Baker,” said Perkins, disgustedly. “It’s just like Gardy says about you. You show some promise and then you can’t finish anything off.”
it made me weep a little.
How bout this, We’re 1-4 and s#$ is hitting the fan, what do we do now. It seems, we have plenty of options. It’s just that I don’t see any s$^$.
Very entertaining read, Howard. I think the print copy boys—LaVelle and JoeC-should start referring to Rondell as RonDL.
Charlie,
Thanks for the nice words. Like much good comedy, “RonDL” was stolen. It was coined by a poster, if I remember correctly, at aarongleeman.com.
All I was saying is that I think it’s unfair that Ponson has players in the same organization publicly rooting for him to fail against one of the most difficult lineups ever assembled in baseball. Sure enough, Bonser got equally destroyed last night. I have no loyalty to Ponson and I understand that the guys in the minors want their chance, but maybe they should take the classy route and keep their thoughts internalized.
Michael,
From the end of the post:
(*All resemblance to actual dialogue in the Rochester clubhouse is purely coincidental. All statistics cited in this report are purely true.)
In other words, I made up this stuff! Hope that helps a bit.
You are a real jerk-and if those minor leaguers said anything like this, I hope they suffer career-ending injuries real soon. They may not be so stupid s this-but YOU are a judgmental, big mouthed pain. I hope Sidney stays and YOU go!
That was RD Report quality work 
Good stuff, dude. To negative commenters — this is a blog. Opinion and fiction comes with fact. Welcome to the Internet.
