The baseball diaries
Posted on May 11th, 2008 – 11:34 PMBy Howard
After the Twins left the Metrodome last night, and the Boston fans in town were away doing whatever Boston fans do after road games, someone forgot to lock the little closet where the Twins players keep their diaries. In the giddy minutes after the Twins finished off that 9-8 thriller against the Red Sox, many of the players retreated to the writing room in the back of the clubhouse and scribbled away. Except for Neshek, who juggled his Palm-162-Relief-Pilot and its stylus with his one good arm.
Here’s some of what they wrote:
Nick Blackburn: Dear Diary: Can you believe it? The guys gave me another five-run lead tonight and this time I did a little bit better. Yes, it was still too scary: 5-0 became 5-1 and 7-1 became 7-4 and then it was 8-4 when I left. But this time I didn’t throw the same pitch to the same location over and over again. I tried to be just as aggressive as I was at the start and, once we had the lead, I really tried to work inside. I kneecapped that little elf Ellsbury and on the next pitch I got Dustin Pedroia in the arm. But you know what? It felt pretty cool. I hope Mr. Gardenhire and Coach Anderson (I don’t feel comfortable calling them “Gardy” and “Andy” yet, even when nobody else sees it) are a little bit happier with me because I don’t want to be a guy who only gets 1 or 2 runs from the offense. You know, like I read about with Mr. Santana and Mr. Silva last year. It was a good night, and I know that one of these days I’ll win games without any drama. I owe the guys that.
Adam Everett: Dear Diary, I hit a home run tonight. It was so cool, even if it only landed about 7 inches on the other side of the wall in left and nobody really knew what happened at first. Did you know I have more home runs than Joe Mauer and Delmon Young combined? Sweeeeeeet.
Craig Monroe: Dear Diary, Some of the bloggers in this town think the Twins wasted money when they signed me and they write it over and over and over (and over), kind of like the way some of their blog commenters treat my little wind-up pal Nick Punto. Well, I hope the two home runs tonight — with a pink bat, no less — get them to reconsider. I’m really liking it here in Minnesota, and there was a cool story in the newspaper this morning about me and my mom Marilyn. I know she’s going to be proud of me and do that thing tomorrow where she watches SportsCenter over and over and over (and over). I feel a little bad for my teammate Jason Kubel because Gardy was talking about giving him a shot at being the everyday DH. But not THAT bad. (I wonder if I can keep using the pink bat.)
Pat Neshek: Der dairy, Thisinjry thg makkes it hd 2 type. I hope Ican still bloooog whil inrehab. Ithnk Ineeeddaburger.
Joe Mauer: Dear Diary, Mom and Grandma were on the field before the game and I got to give them each a rose. That was really neat. And then I got a single and a walk. I’m feeling really good at the plate and feel like the days of being Mr. 4-3 are fading into the distance. But you know what the best thing was tonight? Not that I entered the game second in hitting in the league. No, not that. I learned that when I’m in my crouch behind the plate, I’m just as tall as Pedroia.
Joe Nathan: Dear Diary, I know I gave up two runs tonight, but Manny Ramirez never had a flippin’ chance.
other people are here too
60 Responses to "The baseball diaries"
“just as tall as Pedroia”
that is awesome
your pat neshek made me laugh, and I don’t laugh all that often. Good job sir!
you did forget one.
Delmon Young- Dear Diary, I called my dad, and my big brother because they know everything there is to know about hitting, and playing baseball, and I’m better than my older brother already, and my dad says I’m doing great, but that troglodite Vavra just keeps croaking things at me like hold my back shoulder up, lift my elbow, keep my head on the ball, and spin my hips, and talking smack like he knows more than my dad. If he doesn’t stop talking to me soon, I’m going to launch him for my first home run. Half of Minnesota will love me for that, and the other half will want to send me back to Tampa Bay. God I don’t want to do, that guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but I don’t want to go back to Tampa Bay again… oh the dilema, what do I do?
The Everett one is great, because it’s true. I thought for sure Ellsbury had caught it…then he sorta turned back and the one fan had the ball in his hand and I was laughing like “Well look at that!”
Great job by the offense. Got a big lead and didn’t let up. Which is great, since they needed every runs in the long run.
Now lets hope Monroe can keep hitting. Not necessarily 2 dingers a game, but at least a few hits and a dinger now and then.
Really funny, Howard!
Question: Can ESPN stop introducing our team as “Joe Mauer and the Minnesota Twins”. You have to think the Twins PR machine sells it this way, but for the love of God, now that Hunter and Santana are gone, this team has only one Star remaining, and his name is Justin Morneau.
Morneau had a very good series even if he didn’t go yard and he’s been by far the most consistent producer on this club. He and Nathan are our only All-Stars. Mauer’s a nice hitter and a great fielder–but he’s a complimentary player, not the star of the team.
Agreed?
it is so hard to watch the ESPN crew screw up names and even play by play such as in the top of the 4th we were told that the bases were loaded for Youkilis and that he knocked in 2 runs with his single - when in fact the bases were not loaded (only 1 and 2 were occupied) and only 1 run scored and it took a little while for them to correct their errors - meanwhile I had just turned the game on (mothers day dinner got in the way of my twins watching…) and I was confused - why was the graphic at the top of the screen not matching the words that were coming out of the speaker!?
Jason, I understand that you’re just trying again to rile people up in support of Mauer. I get it and appreciate it. A .320 or so hitter can be a complimentary player. A guy who gets on another 10% of the time via a walk can be a complimentary player. A great defensive player can be a complimentary player. If you put together enought things that makes a guy a complimentary player, add in a batting title and an All-Star game appearance, and you probably have a star player.
And that’s before you add in all the ‘extra’ stuff that really isn’t on the field, like the modeling stuff and the side burns and the commercials and that whole Minnesota nice thing and that whole ‘from St. Paul’ thing, and you have a player with star quality.
I say that and fully acknowledge that Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan are great, great players, stars in their own right.
Also, I had to spend way too much time driving yesterday in a car without my XM radio, so I was forced to listen to ESPN radio. They were touting ‘Manny Ramirez and the Boston Red Sox take on Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer and the Minnesota Twins. So, Morneau is getting his due too.
Series isn’t over yet so Morneau can still go yard. Mauer is definitely an all-star. That’s not even a debate with his avg and defensive skills.
Morneau’s current OPS: 810
Mauer’s current OPS: 835
Mauer is not exactly eating Morneau’s dust.
Seth–
“the extra stuff”?
Well, here’s an extra that was missing in action yesterday: Hey Mauer, how about blocking the plate once? Cuddyer’s throw on the play which scored the first run for Boston last night was in time to get the runner, yet Mauer once again stood in front of the plate, left it unguarded, and the runner was able to slide around the tag.
Later in the game, a throw by Mike Lamb was wide and Mauer left the plate unblocked again (although on this play he would’ve been safe either way).
So again, Seth, let’s lay out ALL the facts before we go straight to the hyperbole card on Mauer…
He’s a great catcher, no doubt about it. He would hit lead-off or second in any lineup in baseball. He’s not, however, the star of our team. The face of the Minnesota Twins is Justin Morneau.
I have no idea what jimmy was trying to prove with that stat…Mauer has 0 HR and 15 RBI…have to believe that puts him near dead-last among baseball’s No. 3 hitters.
Even Jon Miller last night expressed amazement in understanding why the 6′5 Mauer doesn’t hit the ball over the fence now and then.
And by the way, I’ll take grit, hustle, showing up early, and encouraging teammates (aka Kirby Puckett) over modeling and sideburns any day…
Not saying that Mauer doesn’t do any of the above, but I just don’t see what sideburns, modeling, and “Minnesota nice” (the worst expression ever, by the way) have to do with baseball.
Who’s this Mauer guy you keep talking about? I was watching the game on ESPN last night and Hall of Famer Joe Morgan did mention Twins catcher Joe Moyer a few times. Is that the guy everyone is so worked up over?
Im also impressed with an OF that the Sox have that I had never heard of… some guy named Elsworth.
I kneecapped that little elf Ellsbury and on the next pitch I got Dustin Pedroia in the arm. But you know what? It felt pretty cool.
What a moron and a loser.
Howard, very funny stuff. Good job.
I especially liked Blackburn’s:
“I kneecapped that little elf Ellsbury and on the next pitch I got Dustin Pedroia in the arm.”
Jason, Morneau hasn’t gone yard in 14 straight games! Once again the Twins have turned what could be a premier power hitter into a singles hitter.
DG
Yeah, how about Ellsworth robbing Moyer of a double in the eighth?
Christina, I’d like you to meet Carlos.
Carlos, say “hi” to Christina.
You two should have something to talk about!
LOL on ‘moyer’
No, the worst was this continuous, meaningless bit on “reaction time” that Joe Morgan kept going back to over and over…then he had a truely John Madden moment when he enlightened us with “the longer it takes for the pitch to react the hitter, the more time he has to react”
How profound.
Having said all that, I still think the Miller-Morgan crew is the best national broadcast team in baseball…I’ll take Morgan’s nightly trips down memory lane over Joe Buck trying to tell us how smart he is any day of the week…
“reach the hitter”, I meant.
Howard,
Did you liked what Blackbourn did to Ellsbury and Pedroia yesterday? Do you agree with him that it was cool to hit both of them?
Now that I’ve recovered from the laughing fit I was suffering through…
Let me just say this about that “kneecapping” of Mr. Ellbury.
If he doesn’t want to lose that knee, he really ought to learn to bunt without stepping clear out of the batters box and directly behind home plate. He’s damn lucky he even got awarded a base.
I am pretty sure that Blackburn did not mean to hit either… he was all over the zone at that inning and the last thing he wanted to do was to put the fastest runners the Sox have on 1st and 2nd with no outs with Ortiz and Youkilis coming up next…
Howard, I think Christina wants to talk to you. (heehee)
I beg to differ. You could say that Ellsbury was at fault for putting his leg but what about Pedroia? Pedroia’s hit was on purpose. The reason why he did it it was because Pedroia battled him last time on the box and had a hit against him. We will see how you will feel if the Red Sox hits one of your players.
Howard is joking Christina - take a pill…Sheesh!
Yeah, Blackburn hit them on purpose to get to the toughest part of the order with men on base. Obviously, he has a sweetie in Rochester that he’s dying to get back to.
Oh man! Can anyone seriously imagine a pitcher plunking a batter on purpose because he had the audacity to take a good at bat and get a hit in an earlier inning? Whatever!
Howard, Now, if Christina was asking me, I would say that what Howard wrote was really, really funny. Blackburn didn’t try to hit anyone. He tried to do what good pitchers do… get the other team to move their feet once in a while instead of feeling so darn comfortable standing in there. It’s also possible he got a little wild that inning.
Blackburn leads the team with 4 hit batters. The rest of the team has a stinking total of 2!! About time someone pitched inside.
Sorry Christina, if your little elf got plunked. We didn’t cry when other teams plunked Gomez, Cuddy, and Morneau for no good reasons either.
It’s baseball. Guys get hit once in a while. If they crowd the plate without a concern for a pitch coming inside, they get hit more often (like the armor-wearing AJ).
Go-go hasn’t attempted a bunt in like 3 games…what’s up with that?
“The reason why he did it it was because Pedroia battled him last time”
That is NEVER the reason why a pitcher plunks a hitter.
All hitters battle (or are supposed to) the pitchers. If a pitcher plunks every hitter that battles him, the batters will have to line up for a chance to pop him in the mouth.
And here I was just the other day in Chicago lamenting the fact that the Twins don’t hit enough batters.
BTW, Howard, thanks for the sass. Great stuff.
As for the star debate, I think that Morneau is going to get tired of all the Mauer’s Twins talk. Remember the interview where he wondered out loud why the all star ballot ad campaign wasn’t “Vote Joe. And Justin and Torii and Johan.” but just “Vote Joe.” I think they should be promoted equally as the stars. They are the freshly scrubbed faces of the Twins together.
Joe Morgan: Dear Diary, “the slower the pitch, the more time you have to recognize it” I am a genius.
on the hitting ellsbury…he was leaning way in, even morgan and miller noted that, and no way did blackburn want to hit pedroia…putting 2 of their fastest players on with no outs? no way he wanted that.
Batters and pitchers respect opponent who “battle them”.
Pitchers BRUSH batters who are “cheating” for an edge by diving at the pitch on the outside corner.
Pitchers DRILL batters who show them up or have “crossed the line” in various ways. (or have teammates who have done so)
Well they can campaign all they want, but this season we have precisely two All-Stars: Morneau and Nathan.
Mauer still has a shot, based largely on the “extras” Seth referenced above, but I still think he has to spike the HR / RBI total…he’ll probably make it based on name recognition alone, however.
Can you explain why he said that it felt pretty cool? If you think that it was an accident why he said that?
Someone’s not getting the joke…
“The face of the Minnesota Twins is Justin Morneau.”
The face of a team doesn’t always have to be its statistically best player.
Nor does a player have to be the best to be a star.
Being the “face” of a team, or a “star”/”All-Star” has nothing to do with stats and everything to do with national recognition.
Example: David Eckstein.
“Can you explain why he said that it felt pretty cool? If you think that it was an accident why he said that?”
Are you serious?
Is she serious?
Krissy,
It’s a joke? Nah. That was all real stuff right from the diaries. Howard said so.
Dear T,
Did you read the diary?
Hey Christina I have some ocean front property down here in Iowa that I’ll sell you real cheap! There might even be a few diaries buried in the sand!
Christina, there’s this concept called humor. Must not exist in Boston. Go back to watching your World Series videos.
psst.. Howard, your inspiration is showing!!
But man it was good to laugh at the irreverance and something other than stats and play by play!! Fantastic!
Matt Guerrier - Dear Diary, Coco Crisp?!? Coco freakin’ Crisp?!?!?!?!?
It’s just not right to get taken deep by a box of cereal…
Dear T,
Did you read the diary?
Christina…promise me you’ll never read The Onion.
My god Christina. Way to represent the Red Sox Nation!
Christina - the “diary” entries are entirely fake. It’s a joke Howard wrote. 
Ellsbury should NOT have been awarded a base when he was “hit” - that was offensive interference. He popped his leg over the plate getting into his (poor) bunt stance. Bad call by the ump, IMO. (Not dumping on the ump, people make mistakes - no problems there, it’s going to happen).
I didn’t realize it was a joke. I only read the first two. If I bother reading the rest I would have known it was a joke. My bad. I feel like a fool.
No problem Christina… welcome to the blog!
That’s OK Christina! We were pretty hard on you. Many of us MN fans are probably fools for thinking the Twins have a shot at the AL Central with a beat up pitching staff.
Christina = blonde. Her comments made me laugh harder than the fake diary entries.
Talent does not make a star. Anyone who watches American Idol knows this.
Look around the metrodome, and you’ll see 5,000 16 year old girls with pink Joe Mauer t-shirts on, and 5 16-year old girls with Morneau T-Shirts on.
I’m not saying it’s right, but it is what it is. I’m confident that Joe Mauer puts more butts in the bleachers than Morneau and Nathan combined. I personally find Morneau more exciting to watch, but what can you do?
Howard:
Very funny stuff.Almost as funny as some of the responses!Thanks I needed a good laugh today.From now on Its “Jacoby Elfsbury”.And I’ll take “Gogomez” over the overhyped “Elfsbury” any day of the week.
@Pat…do not underestimate girls and Joe Nathan…and not just for coming to the game…
Jason - Obviously those off field things I referenced in regard to Mauer have nothing to do with baseball. My point was just that he is a star based on all of his on-field success. The other stuff is what gives him the ’star quality’ that takes it to the next level. I don’t think anyone here is dumb enough to think that being nice or having sideburns has anything to do with baseball.
Christina,
There is no reason for you to feel bad.
If I had a nickel for everytime I have read a post on these blogs and thought “Are they serious?”, I would be posting from my mansion in Acapulco.
And then after thinking about what I’d read, I would decide the writer was serious (or not).
Then find out later I was ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!!
NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!!
Christina, join us other fools.
Howard, you’ve been on a roll lately. Keep up the great work
You said it Ben!! I love me some Twitchy.
Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: I’m here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can’t even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn’t good, and even though they get bread, I don’t believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don’t have toys in jail, except maybe..
Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?
Emily Litella: Yes?
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.
Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.
I’ve been saying that May 12th is the day to assess.
As it turns out, the Twins are on pace to win 88 games. That seems about right to me.
Player assessment, position by position, is always going on. So I’d just stay with a team-wide assessment.
Besides the extensive weakness of offensive power, the only other weakness looming is the bullpen — because of Neshek’s exit.*
I don’t think the Twins are over-achieving this year. And I think they can compete with all teams.
I’m not expecting them to make the post-season, but they have a decent chance.
For this year — and for the years to come — they must find a better SS and a power-hitting 3B to improve their chances.
But I don’t see that happening this year.
If and when Baker and Liriano return and are lights out, then they could become the favorite for the wild card this year.
If the Twins make a surprise trade or two, that could tip the Central-Division balance too.
So, assuming no injury epidemic, looks like 88 wins.
*(I really don’t see any other weaknesses — not their youth, starting pitching, hitting, fundamentals, defense, lineup as a whole, the bench, management, or front office. Sure, there is lack of strength in some of these areas, but nothing like last year’s holes at 3B and DH and/or LF.)
