What if Andy Griffith had owned the Twins?
Posted on January 9th, 2009 – 12:00 PMBy Howard
A somber week for local baseball on all fronts, most notably Carl Pohlad’s death. Patrick Reusse offered up an unflattering report on how Bill Smith has spent the off-season and Nick Punto wants to play for Italy in the World Baseball Classic, which is sad in the fact that it was the biggest on-field personnel news of the week.
Against that backdrop, it feels necessary to point out a comment made on the last post, in which someone noted: “I’m not old enough to remember Andy Griffith running the team…”
Taking the initiative, the frequent-and-witty commenter Ask Kleiner opted to take a look back at the Mayberry 9 — here’s the team photo album — and offered up this lineup analysis:
Inspired by the presence of one poster who thinks Andy Griffith once owned the Twins, here’s my Mayberry batting order:
1. Floyd Lawson, 2B - Not to be confused with Sal Maglie. Constantly fidgeting, Floyd would have to bat first. He’d go out of his mind having to wait. Light-hitting, of course, the scrappy scissors jockey nevertheless had a way of agitating the opposition.
2. Opie Taylor, SS - Just about the time Opie was starting to get interested in girls and rock music (The Sound Committee, anyone?) he also became a helluva glove man with a fast-developing throwing arm. Not so hot with the stick because of his youth, he nevertheless was adept bunting Floyd over to second.
3. Howard Sprague, RF - This was a tough decision. Straight-laced to a fault and a momma’s boy to boot, Sprague was a surprisingly clutch offensive player, as evidenced by his flirting with that 300 game at the bowling alley.
4. Andy Taylor, 3B - No question here, he hit both for power and average and served as a calming influence within an infield that was otherwise beset with garden-variety personality clashes. They routinely spun his cap around at Mount Pilot, but he dealt with it with customary aplomb.
5. Goober Pyle, LF – The grease monkey got to work on his Cary Grant impersonation out there in left. Though an unorthodox hitter, he had a career OBP of .366, largely because his penchant for wearing his pants so high confused the umpires.
6. Otis Campbell, C – Portly in the mold of many catching greats, drunk in the mold of others, Otis was a surprisingly steady backstop. Give him day games off that follow night games and you could write his name on the card 140 times a year. Had a little pop, but no wheels.
7. Aunt Bea, 1B – Her constant fretting over things no one cared about grated on her teammates, but her motherly, protective nature in fielding throws from Opie and Andy overrode any character concerns. Ideally, you’d want a first-sacker with a little more pop, but the ol’ gal could still get around on a fastball if you didn’t dress it up too much.
8. Ernest T. Bass, DH – The mercurial mountain man lacked the attention span to play a position in the field, but had a way of sparking rallies at the bottom of the order. Not the hitter is brother Randy was, but better on the bases.
9. Barney Fife, CF – His battle with nerves gave us no choice but to bat him here. Slight in stature, this emotional tinderbox overcame his lack of comportment to become a solid centerfielder. Offense was another deal entirely. Without the support of that noted Mayberry slump-buster Thelma Lou, One-Bullet Barney would have been relegated to utility detail.
Thanks, AK. Back soon with more baseball. (And for those of you frustrated that there’s not more Twins content on the Twins blogs, well, there’s not much Twins news out there, right?)
68 Responses to "What if Andy Griffith had owned the Twins?"
speechless Howard. just speechless.
By the way, onto real baseball topics. Did follow along Jim Caple’s chat the other day about Bert Blyleven’s HOF candidacy? It was pretty good stuff.
Chat wrap here: http://proxy.espn.go.com/chat/chatESPN?event_id=24485
Now that is hilarious. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
On further thought, one possible change. How about putting Goober’s cousin Gomer at 1st and making Aunt Bea the manager. Just not convinced she could get to those ground balls toward the hole.
Aunt Bea isn’t the best decision maker, but she would truly be a players manager. And pie!
Who’s pitching?
thelma lou and helen crump
Howard: Inspired. Thanks for the laugh.
Glad to see Kleiner’s genius has officially been logged and can now be archived!
Well written, AK!
Kleiner is great - truly a piece for the ages. I have to think that Gomer Pyle was pitching until he sang the national anthem because the fat lady didn’t show and then he became an instant musical talent to be showcased in Nashville and later Branson. God Bless Mayberry!
With the tremendous arm strength he demonstrated throwing rocks, how can you not put Earnest T on the mound?
It does seem like there are some holes in the lineup, but I’m relatively sure that tight-fisted GM, Mr. Weaver will never part with the cash to enhance the club.
I do look forward to opening day when the Darlings sing the national anthem, though.
Great stuff for a guy who’s in conflict whenever Andy Griffeth is on opposite the Twins game!
Opie had the wrong arm angle to play shortstop.
Too much rock skipping.
Actually Andy Griffith’s later show was a longer running series.
Madlock and his daughter:
Hey, Oriole Addict, we’re looking for a third baseman, but that should have been “Matlock”.
Matlock and his daughter:
Why would anyone put such a stupid topic on the home page of strib.com?
As an avid Andy Griffith fan I must say well done AK.And props to BrentG for remembering Mr.Weaver.Around these parts he has to be the obvious choice as the tight fisted owner.One final thought,this is the second time I have seen the term “slump buster” used on this site (I think I was the first!).But I actually think Wanita,the never seen waitress down at the diner was Barney’s real “slump buster”.
This topic isn’t bad. You should have seen the Packer insults and sheep jokes on Access Vikings last week.
Good stuff, but I’m disappointed there wasn’t a spot for any of the Darling family.
CBizzle oughta chill FoShizzle.
Best Twins hot stove blog posting yet.
Keeping it Andy Griffith related, in the interest of accuracy, that Matlock daughter was replaced later in the series.
Matlock and his daughter:
http://www.fancast.com/tv/Matlock/90687/819757473/Matlock/photos?autoplay=0
True to the Minnesota Twins, the DH only rates batting 8th.
Also in true Twins fashion, Gomer is obviously the manager.
If the Strib doesn’t figure out how to make this site more “goto” with some entertainment, it won’t last. We all know how bad the financial condition of the paper is…..
If I was an editor, I’d reconsider the entire model myself….and figure out how to get more entertainment on the site (which I hate in my evening tv news, but believe is the only chance for “papers” like this to survive - you never should have decided, as an industry, to give away your content).
That is a long-winded way of saying, YAY for this kind of blog content.
I’m the one who made the Andy Griffith comment. I say stupid stuff on here all the time, but I never get my just rewards.
Until today thanks Howard this was great.LOL
[…] A Fan’s View – […]
just read on si.com that the twins were talking to joe crede i hope bs get of his a– and start doing something looking alittle fatter this winter
“just read on si.com that the twins were talking to joe crede”
Whose twins?
The Olsen twins?
Don’t remember Mr. Weaver. Who was he? Was he the mayor? If not, does anyone recall the mayor’s name?
Aunt Bea is clearly more the manager type and Gomer a true first baseman. I can see him scooping up ground balls and short hoppers with those lanky arms of his without ever needing to pull his foot from the bag. The pitching staff is of course made up of a rotating cast of characters who do short stints with the Twins before either fading into obscurity or going on to much bigger and better things. A situation that is true to this day.
What about Mr. Shlump, Brisco and the Darling clan?
I have to question Aunt Bea, in her introduction on the show she didn’t know which end of a bat to use. Oh wait, nevermind…
I agree that Ernist T. Bass would be the pitcher and also Charlene Darling would make a most excellent reliever. Both are proven very accurate “rock pitchers.”
Others would include:
Emmett Clark (The small appliance repairman) as DH - He can fix anything.
Warren Ferguson (the deputy that replaced Barney Fife) would make the best first baseman as if he couldn’t catch the ball, he could catch it in his mouth. huh? huh? huh?
Rafe Hollister (the large singing farmer) backup catcher - in shear size alone.
Move Aunt Bea as a third base coach and put Mayor Stoner as the GM.
Clara Edwards is the hometown organist a role fitting for her craft.
Punto as Opie cracks me up. Skip over this if you want:
The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the
Mayberry Nine that day;
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play,
And then when Andy died at first, and Barney did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mayberry— mighty Opie has struck out.
Mr. Weaver was the ancient miser who owned the department store. Loved this piece.
I just heard the bad news about Mr. Griffith down at the filling station. I asked Gomer how he died . . . “Cardiac arrest! Cardiac arrest!”
More proof that this is the best blog in the world…congrats 220ers.
I admit I am a little too young to get the full grasp The Andy Griffith Show…I did watch the re-runs growing up, but that’s about it.
That said…what a funny piece. Even funnier for Howard to go with it and even funnier for the Strib editors to put it on the front page of the website!
It brings up a larger point: Why are we Twins fans, who are about to embark on the worst sports month of the year (February), stuck with dreaming about the Mayberry 9 while the front office is doing nothing to improve the Kirby Puckett Place 9?
Reusse hit on it earlier this week…Smith needs to pull something off to avoid complete embarrassment in the coming weeks.
I think it’s time to “nip nip nip this in the Bud” (Selig).
The way he threw rocks through windows Earnst T would have to be the pitcher.
Doesn’t Helen Crump have to be the Equipment Manager? Then when she retires she could open a little memorabilia shop near the ballpark.
This is interesting. Episode 193:
Andy becomes the most despised person in Mayberry when he calls Opie out at home plate in a baseball game against arch rival Mt. Pilot.
Factoid: This episode was written by Ron Howard’s father, Rance. Ron often mentions this episode as his personal favorite
Maybe NOT being Senator anymore won’t be so bad - I can go back to NY and not have to read waste of space such as this.
That’s great stuff coming from a big Andy Griffith fan.
How about Keevy Hazelton singing the nat’l anthem, then follow up with a Twin Cities version of “My Hometown”.
The Darlings can sing the 7th inning stretch & “Salty Dog” to get the team fired up for the rest of the game.
Very nice, love Mayberry and the Twins-
Great stuff! Thanks!
(Can Mayors Pike and Stoner throw out the ceremonial first pitches?)
Hmmm….not funny, entertaining or enlightening. What is the point?
Barbara Eden was definitely the team’s best free agent “rental”. Man, could she fill out a uniform.
For those of us 30 and under who do not follow the Andy Griffith show… what was the point of that article?
JERRY K:
I’m not sure what the point is either, but I’ve been whistling this all day and can’t get the tune out of my head. Andy sings!
To listen to those under 30 whine.
Is this truly what it has come to? Here we are on January 9th … only (37) days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training … and we have nothing more substantive to discuss than the merits of which Mayberry character should occupy third base in a Twins uniform this year. Come on Bill … surprise us all! As you can see, the lack of meaningful activity by the FO is taking its’ toll on all of us.
P.S. I hope that someone forwards this article to Clark Griffith. I’m sure that he would truly enjoy it. In the meantime, my eyes continue to water.
TLC,
“Hmmm….not funny, entertaining or enlightening.”
Just like your posts.
“What is the point?”
There is no point, just like your posts.
The Darling family from Andy Griffith was played by a real bluegrass band, the Dillards, whose big hit was “Duelin’ Banjos” (available on The Dillards’ “Back Porch Bluegrass”
album).
The theme song from “Deliverance”.
Hilarious.
Andy was a baseball fan — he checked the paper to see how the Mayberry Bears came out, umpired Opie’s big game and once tossed a no-hitter. Walked in a ton of runs, but threw a no-no.
Thanks for the laughs.
Nope, can’t think of anything more substantive to talk about.
That is brilliant! But since Kleiner is obviously absolutely serious and dedicated to factual accuracy, let me point out this flaw: there shouldn’t be a DH in this lineup, since the Andy Griffith show went off the air in 1968, five years before the advent of that position in the American League.
A note to all of the people who are complaining about this not being a substantive post: what do you really expect from a blog about baseball in the offseason? A discussion about tax policy? A dissertation on the merits of String Theory? Come on, baseball is by definition entertainment, and this is an entertaining blog posting. Blogs like this are supposed to be lighthearted and fun. If you want to read something more substantive, then by all means go ahead and pull that dusty Encyclopedia Brittanica off the shelf. But it’s a big waste of time to complain about this very clever idea.
I found a point to all this! ! ! In the series, Opie took an instant dislike to Aunt Bee when she moved in, but changed his mind when he found out she needed him to teach her how to play baseball.
She held the bat upside down.
How about a late season call up. Barney’s other girl friend Juanita.
Jaunite, Juanite, Juanite I’ve never seen anything so sweet.
Great blog, Howard. Tis one of the great things to do in the off-season, muse on the what-ifs.
For those who found this funny and entertaining (as I obviously did), go to gopherhole.com, then to the football forum and pull up the thread “Tim Tebow Announcement”. It’s about half way down the first page. One of the best pieces of satire I’ve read in a long time. I’d link it here but I’m a bit computer challenged.
Enjoy!
twolvesfan,
Thanks for that tip. I will post it below to save the work for readers.
January 09, 2009
Tebow Skips Senior Season, Ascends Directly Into Heaven
MIAMI (SP) — Shortly after leading the Florida Gators to a national championship with a 24-14 win over Oklahoma, junior quarterback Tim Tebow announced that he would skip his senior season and ascend directly into heaven.Tebow entered the press room to wild applause. A reporter for a 24-hour cable sports network burst into tears when the 2007 Heisman winner entered the room. Another threw a pair of boxer shorts on the podium. Tebow smiled at the gesture and several sports reporters fainted.”Sorry I’m late,” Tebow began. “There was a six-year-old boy with cancer in row 54 and I had to make my way through the crowd to heal him.”
“I want to start by saying that playing quarterback for the University of Florida, winning two national championships, has been a great honor. There has been some speculation about my future and I want to clear that up right now,” he continued. “Don’t go, Tim!” a reporter shouted from the back of the room.
“After much consideration, I have decided to skip my senior season at the University of Florida and ascend directly into Heaven,” Tebow announced. Upon making the announcement, Tebow was bathed in a blinding white light and vanished.
In response to the news, ESPN announced they will have a month-long tribute to Tebow. ESPN2 will now be known as ESPN-TEBOW and will feature Tebow highlights (including home videos of Tebow’s childhood), re-airings of past interviews, Tebow-centric analysis by ESPN air personalities, a Tebow quiz show and a reality show to find the “most Tebow-like” person in America.
“He wasn’t just the greatest player in college football history,” said a college football writer at the press conference, tears streaming down his face. “He might have been the greatest person to ever walk on earth.”
Howard,
I had Opie pegged as a left fielder. Kind slow to react to the ball, but after his last youtube video (old news, it was 3 months ago) I could see him play shortstop…
I laughed my way through the whole thread! Very funny Howard, and I appreciated “most” of the comments. Gomer would make sure the team played the game by the rules. For if they cheated he would scold them by saying, “ill gotten gains, ill gotten gains….” Great stuff!
No offense to Howard, but I’m finding it almost impossible to have any interest in the Twins anymore. Letting those 3rd-basemen slip away is a total put-off.
Any future interest in the Twins on my part is directly co-relative, at present, to Buscher’s defensive ability.
Lotsa luck.
There are too many interesting, rewarding, fun, and TRUSTFUL things out there in this world which prevent wasting any more time on imaginery hopes for the Twins.
Pohlad’s legacy for now seems to be non-championship baseball. I’ll spend hundreds of hours every year now on something more worthy. And it won’t take much of anything to be more worthy.
Pohlad’s legacy for now seems to be non-championship baseball.
Except for those two championships…
Oh my, Aunt Bea in the boys locker room! Bet C.J. would have liked to have been in that lineup, I can only imagine what she would write about.
On a realistic footnote to ‘What If Andy Griffith Had Owned the Twins’, Rance, Ronny, and Clint Howard attended the 1965 World Series (Minnesota Twins vs. Los Angeles Dodgers). Rance Howard wrote the story ‘The Ball Game’ for ‘The Andy Griffith Show’, incidentally, Ron’s favorite episode of the series. ‘The Ball Game’ originally aired within days of Game 1 the 1966 World Series. Unfortunately, Opie worshipped stars from the New York Yankees from that era. Damn Yankees!
romer,
” I’ll spend hundreds of hours every year now on something more worthy”
Like selling Buddy Holly tickets?
To each, his own.
All the best, partner.
Bon fortune, mon ami.
sid, I ain’t (a la my La Velle post) selling Buddy Holly tickets.
The key word for me in my above listing is “TRUSTFUL”. The Pohlad clan REALLY and EASILY has the $$$ this time to have gotten a 3rd baseman.
If Buscher can play adequate defense, I’ll shut up and become interested again.
Otherwise, it just ain’t fun any more.
